How would you describe your past relationships? Example: In the past, what is it about your relationships that have helped for you to grow as a person. Or.. have been detrimental to you.
I would describe them as toxic. Either I was the manipulative one or the other party was manipulative. There was always a level of trying to “outsmart” or “get over” on the other person. A lot of this included cheating. More so on the other parties part then myself. I have only had one “successful” break-up that resulted in us still being cordial to each other to this day. The rest of them have ended on very bad terms.
How do you think the relationships you witnessed from parents or guardians have affected this.: snort :
My parents divorced when I was 9, but their relationship was very strained by that time. They weren’t having sex with each other by that time for 2-3 years. My father moved into one room and my mother kept the master bedroom. Eventually, my father moved out and got his own place, where he met my step-mother and they were together for 15 years before getting married. They were married for 3 years before she passed away due to cancer. The difference between his relationship with my mother and his relationship with my step-mother was that my father stopped drinking by the time he got with my step-mother, and he says he was able to make better decisions sober. My mother has dated around but we never really met but a couple of her significant others because of her stance on bringing home random men when you have 3 children in the house which I think is respectable. All in all, I would say I had pretty good examples of healthy relationships from both of my parents, but not while they were together.
Were you voluntarily involved with another person who was in another relationship? What was it about that person that made you go along with this.
Yes I was voluntarily involved with a married man, and we are still involved. We just had a son 2 weeks ago that was stillborn however so right now our relationship is a little strained dealing with that. His personality is very electric and thats what made me fall for him. I knew he was married 2 years prior to us dating and I pushed him away as much as possible, but he was very persistent and one day the friendship lines blurred and we slept together. I thought, “Ok we made a mistake, this won’t happen again.” and I would just be able to leave it at that. He kept pursuing me afterwards for more sex. I’m a single woman and the B.O.B. can only do so much for me so we kept meeting up just for sex. Eventually as we spent more time together, we began to have feelings for each other and have kept on ever since. And the fact that he is FINE doesn’t hurt either.
DO you think your own self esteem played a part in your actions?
Yes, but not negatively. I think for the most part I have a very healthy self-esteem. I might not always like what I see when I look in the mirror, but I know there is worse out there. Plus I am pretty successful for a 22 year old woman. I have more going on for me than most middle age women I know. If anything, my self-esteem fuels it because in most ways, I’m better than his wife. She was a stay at home wife/mother for a while, but now she has a minimum wage job at a daycare. She is slowly working on her degree I guess. I am done with college and like I said before I live very good for a 22 year old. And no, I do not spend all my money on him, he has his own money, refuses mine, and is more than happy to give me the last from his pockets.
At anytime did you feel you were wrong for your actions? Why or why not.
The only time I felt I was wrong was initially. I knew he was married because I met him 2 years prior and I processed some paper work for him. I also saw his ring and asked him about her on several occasions. So there is no room for me to say “I had no idea.” When we were initially caught, I apologized and tried to leave things as they were, but he didn’t let 3 weeks pass before he contacted me again to keep our relationship going. At first she was talking divorce and I didn’t want to be responsible for breaking up a happy home, but once I realized she would never leave him regardless of what he did, I stopped caring about her feelings. I wasn’t the first woman he has messed around with, and she sang the divorce song a thousand times, but yet she is still with him faithfully, and loves him to death. I really stopped caring once I became pregnant with our son, and she stuck by his side through that. For most women that is a deal breaker. For most women, the first time cheating is a deal breaker, for her I don’t know what would be the last straw.
Did you personally know the spouse/significant other of the person you were the side-piece for? How did that affect you.
No I didn’t personally know her, I knew who she was and I saw her pictures and that’s it. I don’t care to know her. If I would’ve known her, this probably wouldn’t happen. I can say he was very smart in choosing women that she doesn’t know.
If there is anything you could say to that person, what would it be.
If I could say anything to her, I would ask: “What is the point of you sending e-mails about your cheating husband? I’m not married to either one of you so I have no obligations to you. Why are you blaming me for his actions? No one put a gun to the mans head and told him to sleep with me or anything, he did it on his own and most of the time, he was the aggressor. Do you ever confront him about his actions or can he do no wrong in your eyes? Because its not all me by myself, its him too, and you let it happen.”
Were you ever discovered by the other person? What happened.
The first time we were discovered was right after the first time we had sex. She got my e-mail, sent me an e-mail saying I need to leave him alone and I basically ignored it. When she said she would divorce him, I apologized and then told him don’t call me anymore. That lasted about 3 weeks. He called and I gave in to him and we were sneaking around for about 5 more months without being noticed. The second time we were discovered was when I found out I was pregnant. An ex-friend of mine tipped her off because she was wanted the same man and was jealous that not only did I have him, but I was carrying his baby also. After she found out about the baby, he told her he would be there to support me and help me with the baby and would tell her he was coming to see me regularly throughout my pregnancy. So after that, there was no more sneaking around because everything was out in the open.
has being the sidepiece changed your own views on relationships?
Yes, I no longer desire to be in a “committed” relationship, because I realize that it is damn near impossible to find a man that will not cheat. I’m in the military, so cheating is a punishable offense. Do you think this stops people from doing it? Hell no. You just get more creative with how you do it. I was stationed at a remote tour where you had to leave your families for a year at a time and I would see people take off their rings as soon as they get off the plane. Some of the people I have met I never knew were married until I saw them at the next duty station with a wife and a small basketball team of kids. So, if I do find “the one”, I probably wouldn’t care what goes on outside of the house, because I know better than to expect that from anyone. Just as long as he doesn’t bring home any STD’s.
Do you believe in Karma?
Yes and I will probably get bitten in the ass one day. But my thought on that is what did she do to deserve what karma she is getting now? This is happening to her for a reason too.
IS there anything you’d like people to know who might be judging you right now for this?
I’m not the dumb broad who earnestly believes he will leave his wife and we will live happily ever after. I know better than that. I know he isn’t in love with me though he says he is. I know he is in love with his wife, and he may just “love” me as a person. Thats ok because the feeling is mutual. I don’t go around plotting on stealing people’s men either. This is something that just grew one day. Believe me, I tell him a thousand times about our relationship ending and my finding someone else. I’m not living in a fantasy world about this. So you can judge away, but whats done is done and him and I know what we have gotten ourselves into and we are perfectly fine and happy with the way our relationship is.
If you could do it all again, would you?
I would because out of it came my son. He is no longer with us but I cherish that more than anything and to get him, I had to do what I did.
Yes I was voluntarily involved with a married man, and we are still involved. We just had a son 2 weeks ago that was stillborn. . . .
…and this is the part that solidifies my new character trait as a cold-hearted b*tch because I feel no empathy for this pathetic excuse for a woman, karma is a b*tch and if she had any self-respect, she'd keep her legs closed to married men–whatever problems their marriage has has no bearing on her self-respect. "I resisted at first, but he was so persistent" does not absolve her of her ethical shortcomings, he aint sh*t either…but she already knew that, personal responsibility has to come into play somewhere. Yeah I'm judging because my personal experience with a philandering ex-spouse shaped my reaction, judge me and watch me not give a fugg.
I need to stop reading these confession posts, makes me wanna punch people in the back of the throat just because… *walks out kicking over chairs*
Wow. I have nothing other than hoping that poor baby is at peace.
What she said, minus the personal experience part.
Ive been persistently persued by a married man (who was a friend) and go home to your wife is all that ever came out of my mouth. She needs to stfu somewhere…no sympathy whatsoever.
she doesn't realize the baby is the work of Karma…which is sad…
I absolutely LOATHE when side pieces say "I'm not the dumb broad." Bytch yes the f**k you are. The wife is wearing his name while you wearing his peen snot. The wife has certified papers on that junk, you get intermitten samples. They don't realize that they are layaway poosy trying to get married dack off layaway. They never consider that maybe some women attempt to abide by the covenant that they made. Not to sound cold and callous but the baby got the best end of the deal. Not having to deal with two azzhole parents. I always heard that the woman after the first wife ain't nothing but the caretaker anyway so…………
I usually don't read the confessions of a sidepiece posts because most sidepieces never make sense, and after reading this I realize I was right. This person managed to contradict herself in most of her answers to the questions. If this dude was so persistent, why she couldn't persistently say no?
As a man, I really do not understand why most of us get married. There is no use in lying in front of God, family and friends when you know you dirty
Girl… and I hope you are reading this.. you are delusional as hell.
Homewrecker.
1) You'd rather be in a relationship with a man who obviously doesn't know what faithful means.
2) You have more going for you than other women, but you don't have a man that comes home to JUST YOU AT NIGHT.
3) You think your man is smart because he chose women his wife doesn't know about. What he was was smart enough to choose a woman that is selfish–or insecure, fugg high self-esteem–enough to care about only her wants and needs, and to hell with consequences.
In other words, HOMEWRECKER.
Girl, co-sign on that!! And another thing. He made sure he chose women DUMB enough to go along with his charade. A woman with great self-esteem who knows her worth would not have time for his mess. This is not love. If a man loves you, he wouldn't want to leave your side. He'd move mountains to be with you. He'd be divorced ASAP and trying to build a life with YOU.
If you have to try that hard to justify your position to other people, then it's time to switch your position.
*sigh* She's 22, so I'm hoping that she'll grow up & out of it…
Yeah. I'm hoping this situation with the baby will make her realize she deserves better. If not, we may be hearing about them on the news (wife snaps and kills husband and lover).
Who knows how many other women is is stringing along.
That's what I was thinking as well. The age plays a huge factor.
Does not compute…Does not compute…Does not compute…Does not compute……..
This is sad. I first thought that when this was starting – I wouldn't judge. Unfortunately, I feel sad for this girl. Yes, GIRL.
She doesn't understand that her baby's death was possibly because of the tainted relationship with his father.
She doesn't understand that his wife is probably hurting – she made a commitment before God and friends, she's trying to stick with it, and this girl is calling her dumb for it.
She doesn't understand that she is just another trollop in this man's world of trollops. Saying she's not the first girl he's cheated with, like it's going to make things right. Stop being a follower.
She really doesn't understand how much she doesn't respect her own self… it's sad.
Too many contradictions to address in her confessional. But I see how she tried to pump herself up while throwing shade at the wife talking about how much more educated she is than the wife, etc. All the education in the world don't compare to common a$$ sense. This man is using you and he obviously don't give a dang about you or the vows he made on his wedding day. Makes me wonder if he has another successful 22 year old out there somewhere else who he "loves" as a person…smh
I just want the dude in the picture, as long as he's single. #thatisall
There is no room for superiority, when are just the chick some married dude is fvcking. You don't
have a relationship. I seriously doubt you're the only one he is seeing right now. And having a
kid in those circumstances is really selfish
"…I no longer desire to be in a “committed” relationship, because I realize that it is damn near impossible to find a man that will not cheat…"
You are only 22 years old and have already been pulled so deep into the quagmire that you think it's ambrosia.
People go through phases in life. People make mistakes. I am not going to sit here and lie to you and say I've been a saint all my damn adult life, because that is simply not my testimony. But I can say that there are people – myself included – who take a critical look at things they've done in their lives and try to get a better understanding of themselves and what makes them tick by learning from missteps and mistakes in order to do better in the present and in the future.
Now you're just shrugging your shoulders and giving the lame arse "Well, everybody else does it" response. No, everbody else doesn't do it. And some people who have done it in the past understand the harm it does (if to nothing else, then their own spirits) and put that type of behavior behind them.
Damn, I know I'm not making sense anymore, but your little attitude was so wrong and so backward in so many ways, that all I can do is pray for you – and pray that when you know better you'll do better, too. Especially for yourself!
I understood perfectly, and co-sign!
^^This is why I crush on this woman.
I love Caratime's reasonable and non-overly critical commentary.
Only a true lady of grace can continuously pull that off plus she's hot!
Thank you ladies. That whole interview pushed a lot of buttons. I've never been there like that, but hate to see someone so young act like they are so cynical. And risk really being like that one day.
What is up with these women?!! There is always some twisted kind of logic to why they persist in playing second fiddle to a man who has shown that he cannot be faithful. Maaannnn…..fugg that. I mean, what happens if she gets pregnant again and has a child? How does she explain to this child that "daddy can't spend christmas or thanksgiving with us because he has another family?" I think the child would be traumatized by having a father that is only partly committed to being in the child's life rather than an everyday male figure. And furthermore, I am too damn jealous and territorial for a brotha to be like "hey. I'm gon' have you on the side." Um….naw…I'm the main entree in this b*tch. Ain't no side dishes on this. *smdh*
And then chick wanna talk like she got such great self-esteem and this man is playing both of them….
this man is playing both of them….
EXACTLY!
I know I might be beating a dead horse…but one thing this young lady has to ask is not why the wife chooses not to leave the husband, but why hasn't the husband left his wife?! What is there about the wife that he isn't getting from you? Have you asked yourself that? You state all the reasons why she's a bad match for him, but apparently he doesn't think so. She still has the ring and the husband.
Say it again!
Is it just me, or is anyone else waiting for the day when someone outs themselves after getting raked over the coals?
I'd be surprised if someone would. But wouldn't it be funny after all that was said.
I mean, why else would Slaus be giving these vagina-holders so much attention?
Would you really want to know?
Not necessarily. I'm thinking that it could possibly spark an even more interesting discussion (the 'glass half-full') or fireworks if the person is indignant at the comments…either way, won't be boring *shrug*
And I'm guessing there will be some non 'vagina-holders' at some point lol
I had to come outta the lurker woodwork to comment on one of the many glaring inconsistencies here- how are you gonna claim to not care about being faithful now, or in the future, as long as he “doesn’t bring home any STDs”, when you’re raw dogging it to the point where you ended up pregnant? Sorry if I’m being presumptuous, but chica doesn’t strike me as the carry-a-Trojan-in-her-purse type, by her own account. Knowing he’s cheated multiple times with multiple broads, wouldn’t you make a nukka hop into a full body condom if you *did* plan on living foul with him? If anyone involved in this mess is reading this- get yourself tested, and then get a clue.
I took some time to reflect, and I believe that the wife is staying in the marriage long enough to secure herself and her way out (i.e. working on her education as best she can). As soon as she finds some sort of pay off for her sacrificing, she is bouncing – and with a chunk of lying n' cheating bastard's assets, if there's no prenup.
Then again, we're only getting the side-piece's version of events, but that's what I'd be doing if I were the wife.
Good point, considering that she never used to work until now.
Oh, and Bitch who submitted that s**t? Consider yourself JUDGED!
I was into the story in the first and second question/answer. Once I got to the third and they asked about self esteem and honey child said she was 22…I pumped the brakes. She is in the thick of it right now.The girl is 22 and at that point in your life, you think you can do no wrong. Still indestructible…well, not really.
I wonder what she'll think of her actions and behaviors when she's 32.
IDR?
I was pumping the brakes – hard! – when she came to the part about the baby. As sorry as I feel the the wee one, you don't have the sense of a billy goat if you are 22 yrs. old – have it "going on" like she thinks she does – and the best you can do for yourself (and your future child) is get knocked up by a married man. How did she imagine explaining to her child that she chose a father for her child knowing that child would only be an option in this man's life from Jump Street?
This ain't 1811, damn it! If you are going to do dirt, then at least be smart about the dirt you do!
Cara, am I reading your comment correctly, that you are under the impression that they had a child together? That baby was a stillborn. So there will be no explaining on her part unless she chooses to get knocked up by dude again.
On another note, she met dude when she was 20. He started pursuing her when she was 20 knowing her ego would be hella inflated and not having the common sense of two wooden nickels being rubbed together to know that he was and still IS running game on her.
Oh, I realize the baby was stillborn. But somewhere between Point A and Point B s/he were dealing with what they thought was a viable pregnancy. A pregnancy they were apparently also both ok to go through with. So – under other circumstances – she would have had some explaining to do…
And re "he was and still IS running game on her." —> AMEN!
I had to come outta the lurker woodwork to comment on one of the many glaring inconsistencies here- how are you gonna claim to not care about being faithful now, or in the future, as long as he "doesn't bring home any STDs", when you're raw dogging it to the point where you ended up pregnant? Sorry if I'm being presumptuous, but chica doesn't strike me as the carry-a-Trojan-in-her-purse type, by her own account. Knowing he's cheated multiple times with multiple broads, wouldn't you make a nukka hop into a full body condom if you *did* plan on living foul with him? If anyone involved in this mess is reading this- get yourself tested, and then get a clue.
Wow…some of ya'll are kinda cruel. I may not agree with this person's way of life, but losing a child is NOTHING to wish on or gloat over (in the name of 'karma'). Very surprised and shocked.
Maybe I read things differently than you, but I didn't feel people gloated. At all.
I saw at least two post that attributed the baby's death to "karma"…which is why I posted.
I was not one of them, but I did perceive that the ones who posted that (and the ones who agreed) were not gloating. Quite the opposite, in fact.
Yes, I kind of got that impression as well.
- not the side piece –
I know it's been a few days, but I could not get a certain line out of my head: "I know he's in love with his wife…"
Anybody who loves ANYBODY (themselves or otherwise) DOESN'T DO THIS CRAP. And if this is how you perceive Love….. you are a sad case.
*sigh* This …… this hot asz mess.
And yall are giving age too much credit bc I know too many old heads running around being cheater asz cheaters.
I was going to post on this one in depth, but I would only play the devil's advocate. But, I will say this: Who are we to judge this woman? (and no it's not me. While I have been a sidepiece, either intentionally or unintentionally, i'm happy with my boo lol). Simply because her choices are not your own, does not mean judge. I'm hearing very little about the husband who made his vows, or the wife that continuously tolerates his infidelity, but only focus on this woman. All have made their choices and at the end of the day they are the ones who will have to live with it. But to say that the passing of a child is due to "Karma" is callous and actually has nothing to do with the concept of Karma if you really research the Buddhist philosophy and not the westernized version we have come to know.