How would you describe your past relationships? Example: In the past, what is it about your relationships that have helped for you to grow as a person. Or.. have been detrimental to you.
I would describe them as toxic. Either I was the manipulative one or the other party was manipulative. There was always a level of trying to “outsmart” or “get over” on the other person. A lot of this included cheating. More so on the other parties part then myself. I have only had one “successful” break-up that resulted in us still being cordial to each other to this day. The rest of them have ended on very bad terms.
How do you think the relationships you witnessed from parents or guardians have affected this.: snort :
My parents divorced when I was 9, but their relationship was very strained by that time. They weren’t having sex with each other by that time for 2-3 years. My father moved into one room and my mother kept the master bedroom. Eventually, my father moved out and got his own place, where he met my step-mother and they were together for 15 years before getting married. They were married for 3 years before she passed away due to cancer. The difference between his relationship with my mother and his relationship with my step-mother was that my father stopped drinking by the time he got with my step-mother, and he says he was able to make better decisions sober. My mother has dated around but we never really met but a couple of her significant others because of her stance on bringing home random men when you have 3 children in the house which I think is respectable. All in all, I would say I had pretty good examples of healthy relationships from both of my parents, but not while they were together.
Were you voluntarily involved with another person who was in another relationship? What was it about that person that made you go along with this.
Yes I was voluntarily involved with a married man, and we are still involved. We just had a son 2 weeks ago that was stillborn however so right now our relationship is a little strained dealing with that. His personality is very electric and thats what made me fall for him. I knew he was married 2 years prior to us dating and I pushed him away as much as possible, but he was very persistent and one day the friendship lines blurred and we slept together. I thought, “Ok we made a mistake, this won’t happen again.” and I would just be able to leave it at that. He kept pursuing me afterwards for more sex. I’m a single woman and the B.O.B. can only do so much for me so we kept meeting up just for sex. Eventually as we spent more time together, we began to have feelings for each other and have kept on ever since. And the fact that he is FINE doesn’t hurt either.
DO you think your own self esteem played a part in your actions?
Yes, but not negatively. I think for the most part I have a very healthy self-esteem. I might not always like what I see when I look in the mirror, but I know there is worse out there. Plus I am pretty successful for a 22 year old woman. I have more going on for me than most middle age women I know. If anything, my self-esteem fuels it because in most ways, I’m better than his wife. She was a stay at home wife/mother for a while, but now she has a minimum wage job at a daycare. She is slowly working on her degree I guess. I am done with college and like I said before I live very good for a 22 year old. And no, I do not spend all my money on him, he has his own money, refuses mine, and is more than happy to give me the last from his pockets.
At anytime did you feel you were wrong for your actions? Why or why not.
The only time I felt I was wrong was initially. I knew he was married because I met him 2 years prior and I processed some paper work for him. I also saw his ring and asked him about her on several occasions. So there is no room for me to say “I had no idea.” When we were initially caught, I apologized and tried to leave things as they were, but he didn’t let 3 weeks pass before he contacted me again to keep our relationship going. At first she was talking divorce and I didn’t want to be responsible for breaking up a happy home, but once I realized she would never leave him regardless of what he did, I stopped caring about her feelings. I wasn’t the first woman he has messed around with, and she sang the divorce song a thousand times, but yet she is still with him faithfully, and loves him to death. I really stopped caring once I became pregnant with our son, and she stuck by his side through that. For most women that is a deal breaker. For most women, the first time cheating is a deal breaker, for her I don’t know what would be the last straw.
Did you personally know the spouse/significant other of the person you were the side-piece for? How did that affect you.
No I didn’t personally know her, I knew who she was and I saw her pictures and that’s it. I don’t care to know her. If I would’ve known her, this probably wouldn’t happen. I can say he was very smart in choosing women that she doesn’t know.
If there is anything you could say to that person, what would it be.
If I could say anything to her, I would ask: “What is the point of you sending e-mails about your cheating husband? I’m not married to either one of you so I have no obligations to you. Why are you blaming me for his actions? No one put a gun to the mans head and told him to sleep with me or anything, he did it on his own and most of the time, he was the aggressor. Do you ever confront him about his actions or can he do no wrong in your eyes? Because its not all me by myself, its him too, and you let it happen.”
Were you ever discovered by the other person? What happened.
The first time we were discovered was right after the first time we had sex. She got my e-mail, sent me an e-mail saying I need to leave him alone and I basically ignored it. When she said she would divorce him, I apologized and then told him don’t call me anymore. That lasted about 3 weeks. He called and I gave in to him and we were sneaking around for about 5 more months without being noticed. The second time we were discovered was when I found out I was pregnant. An ex-friend of mine tipped her off because she was wanted the same man and was jealous that not only did I have him, but I was carrying his baby also. After she found out about the baby, he told her he would be there to support me and help me with the baby and would tell her he was coming to see me regularly throughout my pregnancy. So after that, there was no more sneaking around because everything was out in the open.
has being the sidepiece changed your own views on relationships?
Yes, I no longer desire to be in a “committed” relationship, because I realize that it is damn near impossible to find a man that will not cheat. I’m in the military, so cheating is a punishable offense. Do you think this stops people from doing it? Hell no. You just get more creative with how you do it. I was stationed at a remote tour where you had to leave your families for a year at a time and I would see people take off their rings as soon as they get off the plane. Some of the people I have met I never knew were married until I saw them at the next duty station with a wife and a small basketball team of kids. So, if I do find “the one”, I probably wouldn’t care what goes on outside of the house, because I know better than to expect that from anyone. Just as long as he doesn’t bring home any STD’s.
Do you believe in Karma?
Yes and I will probably get bitten in the ass one day. But my thought on that is what did she do to deserve what karma she is getting now? This is happening to her for a reason too.
IS there anything you’d like people to know who might be judging you right now for this?
I’m not the dumb broad who earnestly believes he will leave his wife and we will live happily ever after. I know better than that. I know he isn’t in love with me though he says he is. I know he is in love with his wife, and he may just “love” me as a person. Thats ok because the feeling is mutual. I don’t go around plotting on stealing people’s men either. This is something that just grew one day. Believe me, I tell him a thousand times about our relationship ending and my finding someone else. I’m not living in a fantasy world about this. So you can judge away, but whats done is done and him and I know what we have gotten ourselves into and we are perfectly fine and happy with the way our relationship is.
If you could do it all again, would you?
I would because out of it came my son. He is no longer with us but I cherish that more than anything and to get him, I had to do what I did.