Some of my past relationships have been very very bad. A few have been positive. Very few though. Usually I end up mistreated by the guy.
What has made me grow as a person? Well, I have moved in order to escape some of the complications. For instance, one man told me he wanted to leave his wife for me, and I told him that she needs him and he is not to leave her. So in some ways, it has made me much more independent. But that same relationship is the only one I have had that I have been treated with honor and respect. He has shown me how I want to be treated by a man. Unfortunately, he is already married, and she needs him very much. So in order to make sure he does what is right, I left.
With divorced parents, I saw some dysfunctional s**t. My mom started seeing her college sweetheart (while he was still married) when she and my father separated. I had a big problem with that, because he was still married and she was also still (technically) married. I put myself in the place of his wife, and my father and vowed never to be in a relationship like that. As a teen and early 20s young woman, I saw this as a huge character flaw in my mother. And then I started getting cheated on by the men that I dated. It felt awful to be on the receiving end. But in the end, I have also made the choice to be in a relationship with someone who already had a relationship.
So in reality, I don’t think parent actions really affected me much. Much more my own experiences.
Yes.Time #1: The love of my life, and my first everything. I thought I would marry him. Then he broke off our engagement, because (he said) I was too fat. I lost 30 pounds in 2 months and then went off to college. He contacted me and said he had made a mistake, and he still loved me. That was all I needed to hear. So when I was home for Christmas vacation, we were back together. I didn’t find out until after I was back at college that his actual girlfriend had been out of town during the holidays. I cried over it, and then went about exacting some kind of revenge. Actually, I guess although I was clearly interested and making the choice to be in the relationship, in reality I was the sidepiece because I didn’t know about the other relationship. Which means this one doesn’t really apply. But I’ve already written so much that I’m just going to leave it.
Time #2: He cheated on me multiple times. Each time, I dumped him. And each time he came back begging for forgiveness. I was such a psychological wreck that I took him back. Then he learned that I was a rape victim (the reason I was a mental wreck), and he dumped me because of that. We were in the bed midway through sex, and he pulled out and started putting on his clothes. He said I was impure and unclean, and told me that no one would ever want someone like me. Then he called up another girl and had her come pick him up in her car, while I watched out my dorm room window. Several years later, I received a phone call from him out of the blue, and wanted me to meet his soon-to-be-fiance. He was living only a few miles from me at that time. I balked at the idea and told him no way no how. He kept calling and pestering me about it, and so I went to his bonfire and met her. After meeting her, I had no idea why they were together, and I could see from the way they interacted that they would not last. And so I took the opportunity to manipulate and play with his emotions in a way I had never done before, and have never done since. I spent 8mo planning, scheming and acting. And when it was all said and done, and he had broken off their engagement in order to be with me. Only then did I tell him I had played him like a Stradivarius. He was crushed. I felt vindicated. He eventually asked why I had behaved in such a way. I explained the emotional and psychological damage he had caused. He swears he doesn’t remember any of the incident, and I had to describe things in great detail in order for him to believe I wasn’t making up a story. He continues to apologize to this day. We are actually friends now.
Time #3: The good-looking brother of one of my close friends. He was 4 years younger, but there was always a certain chemistry between us. I think he started having a crush on me when he was about 15 and I was in college. I had other things on my mind during college (see above), and by the time he was 23 or 24 he had a LT GF. But then they broke up for a while, and the timing was right so we started experimenting with each other. They got back together and got married, but things weren’t peachy in paradise. When they were having problems, or would separate, we would sometimes get together. He is on the verge of divorce now, but it has nothing to do with me. We chat on messenger but I haven’t seen him in years. He actually has a girlfriend (not me), aside from his wife. If the divorce is in progress when I am back in the states this summer, we might get together. I don’t know. If we do, it would probably be comfortable and feel safe. Because I have known him for so long, and I know he will not force me to do anything I do not want to do.
#2 Definitely#3 Not so much#4 Definitely
#2 Very seldom. I rationalized that they wouldn’t make it as a couple with or without me, and that he deserved every bit of what he got.#4 Yes. I have known both of them for most of my life, and I am friends with both of them. I don’t want to hurt anyone. Karma is a bitch. And I can be too.Time #4: Business proposition. Wife had uterine cancer and a hysterectomy. Sex causes her physical pain, but he still has needs. She had told him repeatedly (according to him anyway) to find someone to have sex with so that he could satisfy his physical needs, in order to be happier and calmer at home. The only thing she asked was that there be no romantic attachment. And so he propositioned me. He told me the deal was: his wife is and always will be his first priority, and it needs to stay that way, no matter what happens. He said part of the deal was to always be respectful of her and whatever she needs to be happy. I wasn’t totally sold on the deal, but over the next several months, he persisted and persisted. Eventually I gave in. Now he wants to leave his wife for me. I regularly remind him of the original deal to always honor his wife, and in order to make sure it is kept, I moved away. As long as I am out of arm’s reach, I know he will not leave her.
#3 Yes. He had a long term thing going. And then they got married. And there I was providing recreational activities when marital bliss wasn’t so blissful.
#2 No. In comparison, it was much easier to be the sidepiece in this situation than in the other ones. Perhaps because I wasn’t a friend of the woman, or perhaps because of the extenuating circumstances (extreme psychological abuse, and deep desire for retribution) surrounding the relationship I had with the guy.#3 Yes. I had known her as an acquaintance for a long time, and although I wasn’t close with her, I thought she was a good person. It was much harder for me to rationalize the fooling around and the sex, because I was always wondering why he was flirting with me and why he wasn’t satisfied with his wife.#4 Yes. I knew the situation and had known the family for a long time when the arrangement started. I was able to disconnect and distance myself from the situation, knowing it was strictly an arrangement for sex.
#2 You are better off without him. He was a lying cheating jerk when he destroyed my psyche, and he deserves to be alone.#3 He wouldn’t be looking for satisfaction in other places if you were more interested in a sexual relationship with him.#4 Don’t repeatedly tell your man to go get a sidepiece and then get mad if he does.
#2 Nope, so nothing happened.#3 Nope, so nothing happened.#4 Suspicion, but no proof, so I denied and denied. Eventually she stopped asking.
Definitely. In certain circumstances I can see both sides of the coin. I also know that most men will be unfaithful if given the opportunity. I have a much more difficult time with being the one cheating.Do you believe in Karma?Oh yes. I WAS karma. It felt good.
I am not currently a sidepiece, although I cannot say I never will be again. In spite of my experiences, I still believe it is wrong. It is not something I strive to do or be, because I feel that it is wrong. But I am human, and I make mistakes just like anyone else. I am not making excuses for anything I have done, just explaining my thought process on the subject.
Something I would tell another person who is… people are opportunistic, and many will cheat just because the opportunity is there. Ask yourself, is compromising your morals for this relationship really worth it? If it’s not, get out. But sometimes it is. Only you can decide that.
When I was in college, I had a very rigid, strict moral code. I expected I would always be like that. Due to the bad experiences I have had with sex, I do not find intimacy easy. Even now, having been a sidepiece, I could notbring myself to “cheat” on a guy who was cheating on his first significant other. Many factors have made me what I am today… I got cheated on, and then raped, and dumped by the cheater because I was raped, and the next several men in my life also cheated or treated me badly in various ways… All of this, I quietly bore thinking it was karma paying me back for some wrong in a past life. In spite of the mistreatment by men, I had never before compromised my morals. The most difficult thing I ever did was to cross the line that first time, when guy #2 called me and I had the opportunity to vent my broken spirit. But I would do it again.
If you could do it all again, would you?
I would like to say never, but I think the more accurate and realistic answer is… Depending on extenuating circumstances, I would consider it.