Dear Ohn- My boyfriend’s ‘thing’ is bigger than i can handle…

Dear OHN.

I am going to keep this letter short and sweet even though my problem is both long and difficult.

As nerdy and ridiculous as it sounds, and as surely as you all are going to judge me, I met my current boyfriend and love of my life after 3 years of communicating online. When I say online, I’ll just admit that we met because we both are avid gamers and we met on the battlefields in World of Warcraft.

Go ahead and crack your nerd jokes. Come one and get it out, as I’ve already heard it all from all of my non-gamer friends and family members.

After 3 years, I began to fall head over heels in love with this man without evening seeing his face for the first 2 years. Then one day we sent emails to one another outside of the game as well as skyped, where we discovered that we were both Black and both rather attractive. I will admit that seeing how fine he looked added a serious amount of lust to the already fond feelings I had, and to add coincidence and bliss to the equation, we discovered we lived only 3 hours away from one another.

Of course we met up a few times, but nothing sexual came of it. Just some heavy petting and cuddling on the couch or playing Warcraft next to each other on our laptops.

After 4 visits though, I could take it no longer and I molested him. I admit it. I made the first tawdry move. Judge me!

But what I discovered was a monster.

His dick was absolutely huge. I don’t mean slightly big, and I don’t mean need for magnum condoms big, I mean an absolute hysterectomy causing sized beast.  It’s not a two-hander. Not even a 3 hander. I can stack my hand over hand twice and the head still peaks out the top. Not to mention it is as thick as my damn wrist.

I have been told I have a small mouth and I know it to be true. That is why I have to open my mouth to the extreme in order to engulf some of him inside. No lie; I got a little carried away trying to felate him and I split the edge of my mouth a little.

Needless to say, sex is a CHORE!

Riding him is absolutely out of the question as If I go down too far I swear my reproductive womanhood is shoved up into my lungs.

Missionary is difficult due to the fact that If he gets a little too excited and goes too deep, it feels like torture and I can’t scurry away quick enough on my back. Doggy style is the only position we can do and both achieve orgasm since if he goes too deep, I can run away easily on my hands and knees.

Stop laughing.

He is such a sweety, nerdy awkward and a good guy which is why he hasn’t had many girlfriends in his life, which means he hasn’t had much practice controlling that damn creature attached to him.  I DO love him, but I feel inadequate for him sexually.

What should I do?

The thickness I can overcome but the great lengths he can go? Dear God!

 

Help me, ohn!

 

-          Sincerely not that deep.

 

Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha LMAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

 

Beth edit: Slaus you wrong as hell for laughing!

Anyway, darlin’ sweetie…

Bless your heart…I will not laugh because it is not funny (glares at Slaus)

I can’t speak on the mouth tearing part…that sounds painful

but as far as intercourse I’m wondering how nervous you are during the actual act. That can cause you to tense up and make sex not so fun…

If that is not the case then maybe you need to talk to your OB/GYN about the situation…sexual pleasure and compatibility is important to a relationship so don’t think talking to your doctor is doing too much. If you love this man and want a lasting relationship then there is nothing wrong with talking to your doctor.

Also, if you know anything about OHN you know how we feel about love on the internet…there is nothing wrong with how you met and fell in love with your boo.

Good luck to you!!!

*glares at Slaus* stop laughing fool!!!

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  • http://www.ohellnawl.com Slausosaurus Rex

    LMAAaaaaaaaooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

    AAAahhahahahahahahaha

    • http://speakintothenothing.blogspot.com/ P_A_Vicious

      you let Lo Kei write again??

  • TheUndeniable

    [FIRST FOR ONCE] #LatePass #hashtag

    Well then. Make the most of a…good…situation? Maybe? Or pass him along to other OHN women. I'm sure they'd be up for the challenge.

    • http://ohellnawlblog.com/newohnblog/ Hattie Lanai

      Ron what in all the fuggs is this first mess and latepass hashtag mess?!!!

      this ain't mediatakeout!!!

      • TheUndeniable

        Hi, Beth.

    • foolishnessandfuckery

      Hell yeah!! Cause my sweetie is 9.5", it's thick and I love every inch! LOL LOL

      • TheUndeniable

        Ohh…kay…

        Way to go?

        • foolishnessandfuckery

          Yup! Hell, if I didnt love it and complained, someone would gladly take my place…..

  • http://www.facebook.com/malicejones Jonesey

    Vodka. Lots.
    Other than that, I have no wisdom.
    But if you really love eachother, you'll get a grip on it eventually.

    Sorry, I had to get ONE in.
    OK, two.

    • http://www.ohellnawl.com Slausosaurus Rex

      Im with jonesy. Maybe you just need to be open to possibilities and just relax, reflect and take it all in. sometimes we have to EASE IN to new things…

      • yaya120

        Fugg you Slaus!!!!!!

  • That Dude Bennegtt

    *falls out*

  • http://ohellnawlblog.com Lo – Kei

    o.o

    See! SEE! THIS is why I REFUSE to tell heffas about OHN… THIS GIVES ME THE RED AZZ! Putting MY damn BIZNESS OUT LIKE THAT! THIS SOME OLE BOOLSHYT! Fugg it… how can I show my face around here again now?!?!?!?!?!

    ::kicks rocks::

    ::LMAO uncontrollably with Slaus. We holding each other up, tears running down our faces and snort laughing atthe same time:::

    • CaraQ301

      Have several bench seats! LOL

      • http://ohellnawlblog.com Lo – Kei

        o.o

        BWAAHHHHHH!

    • yaya120

      It was just a matter of time….

  • DreaRiley

    I swear i saw this on maury or maybe jerry back in the day one time…dude even thought to try to have a dak reduction…

    i say that the man thing is them not just going at it but researching ways to slow down and different posistions to try… the vagina is an amazing thing…it can and will stretch but only to a point…no puns intended…

    stop trying to go at it allgung ho…especailly since you know he doesn' have experience welding the thing…
    talk him through it and research it together…dr visits are a must…and please stop trying to "eat it whole" you better google some of those "cat house" episodes where they teach you tricks for blow jobs…ain't every body ment to deep throat or be deep throated..
    stack yoru hands to make a "sheath" and give his "head" the attention and learn to titty screw….
    (wow i shoulda took this advil sinus stuff a while a go its making me a genius with the ideas)
    AND STOP LAUGHING SLAUS…or we will get wanna a monster strap on for to use on you

  • CaraQ301

    I never had one that damn thick, but I was with someone whose nickname was "Python"… yeah (and he fugged like a stripper, all wave motion… put his back, hips ALL into it!).

    Only advice I can give is lots of foreplay (for you), communication and a sense of humor. And perhaps invest in a LOT of lube! (Astroglide Natural is my ish)

    If you get on top, but ease into it and just swirl- no rodeos for you! And if he's on top or behind, remind him to slow down or stop before he wrecks yo life! lol You may even have to learn how to use the long arm (you know, when you have to put your arm out to stop their thrusts from going deeper, and not kill yo uterus). Slow love and grinding was made for dudes like this… Some talk about wanting a guy that's "blessed", but iIt's all fantasy fun nd games until an ovary falls out. And unless you can learn to unhinge a jaw, you better learn how to just work what you can and use your hands a la Superhead. Hell, you might get some banging arms out of this relationship. *shrug*

    Anywho, good luck!

    • DreaRiley

      ^^^^^^^ but iIt's all fantasy fun nd games until an ovary falls out …..LMAO exactly

    • CaraQ301

      *it's

      *and

      *SIGH*

  • TheUndeniable

    "Welding the thing"?

    • DreaRiley

      meh spelled it wrong too hopped up on meds to check…you know like a sword or a light saber… i know i know go to my corner ======> *hangs head but skips over*

  • mviel1

    There are ways to keep him from getting too enthusiastic and possibly injuring you!
    If you are laying on your back, keep your legs down at enough of an angle to be able to block him from pushing too hard, laying on your side keeps him far enough away also.

  • Leo_YardieChick

    Hell, my womb screamed and fainted when I read this. O_O Vaya con Dios, lady! I'll leave you in the more learned hands of OHN.

  • Lately25

    Ok.. This is funny! Who's using us as test subjects for their 'Letters to Playboy' submission?!?!

    All jokes aside… Yes perhaps you may need to loosen up just a tad with some 'Spirits'. [youtube OstLhmLvEck http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OstLhmLvEck youtube]

  • http://www.randomridic.blogspot.com justsexybathsalts81

    Slow and sensual, more swirling and less stroking, that's the only thing I can think to help this situation. And lay off the deep throat, you don't have to be Linda Lovelace to please him, concentrate on the head and make good use of your tongue on the shaft. And RELAX! ;)

  • http://rawki3@blogspot.com Boss Hog Gangsta

    I'm sorry…I was gonna take the high road, but the first thing that came to my head was:

    It's too biiiiiiiiiiig. It's too wiiiiiiiiiiiiide. It's too stroooooooooooong. It won't fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

    • DreaRiley

      *giggling from my corner…you better come sit with me…cuz they gone run you out*

  • http://ohellnawlblog.com/newohnblog/ Hattie Lanai

    y'all ain't shyt!!!

  • http://www.ohellnawl.com Slausosaurus Rex

    im sorry but this letter had me rolling. She knew good and well we were gonna behave like some lil monkey ass monkies lol.

    • OHNCantTakeIt

      ASS!!!!!

      *refuses to admit that I was hollering, too*

      And check yo email, ponk!

  • OHNCantTakeIt

    Lawd, honey – you're on a site filled with nerds and fools! No judgement here!

    Any advice I would have given you has already been posted. Take it easy, and teach him how to take his time. If its usually good for you both, and you love each other, then you can work it out.

    If not, there's a few ladies on OHN that I'm SURE would love to meet him. *LOL* I'm just saying….we're happy hoes here.

    • http://hexacorde.blogspot.com Hex

      Then suddenly, without explanation — subscriptions to WOW doubled in less than an hour.

      • Darth_Bubba

        lmao…and you know this. who knew you could find a good lay on that site?

  • DreaRiley

    a take Nell to da beach. Nell sweeeeem. Lahk fishie. Maw used to talk to Nell an Mae 'bout swammin. She say, "don go out dere and swam nekkid if'n it aint at naht! You get skewed in da belly!" But Ja take Nell to da beach and Nell sit nekkid in da sun. Nell laaahk the sun. Waaana be in da sun.

    Nell sweem so long dat after while, Ja come lookin fo Nell.

    "Nell, tahm go home," Ja say.
    "NO, Ja! Nell waaaaana stay. Waaaaana!"

    I say no so many tahm Ja come in and git me. I laugh and scream, spew wah on him. He try to grab me, an Nell slip out his arms jus lahk a fishie. Nell splash Ja so much he have to get nekkid too. Sun goes way. Like a tree in da wiiind.

    We sit on the san and wait to dry. Ja have a skewer stickin straight up in da air. Nell grab it and Ja try to git away, but Nell waaaaana touch it. It sooooft…like how flowers feel when Nell brush dem gainst her face.

    "Nell, don do dat," Ja say. But he sound lahk he waaaaan Nell touch his skewer anyway. Ja's face all red. He shakin. Nell touch it so much he start grabbin at Nell and tryin lay on top.

    "YOU FINLY GON SKEW ME, YOU GON SKEW ME!!!" I scream. I cant wait. But he so surprise dat I yell dat, he grab a tow and make me put it on. Den he get dress, take us home. Won talk to me. Ja feeles all tahay wi Nell.

    Nell sad. Waaaan Ja talk to her.

    • http://www.randomridic.blogspot.com justsexybathsalts81

      Ma'am…*lays down laughing*

      • DreaRiley

        just saying O_O SKEW IN DA BELLY

    • That Dude Bennegtt

      Da hayal?! Ma'am Imma need you ta leave…rat nah!!

      • DreaRiley

        I CAN"T BE THE ONLY ONE WHO SAW NELL…really i am the only one… sigh fine then ====> backs into the corner and says…man y'all know you thought it too when she said her stuff was in her throat..

  • That Dude Bennegtt

    *hands out tissues for the tears of laughter*

    In addition to what the ladies have said; maybe part of it is mental – like you're psyching yourself out before you even get into the act, so you're tight (literally). I'm sure this dude has run into this before, plus he really cares about you, so he'll be patient. Lots of foreplay, lots of lube, and – for me – deep throat is overrated. The most sensitive part is the glans & around the head, so…lick it like a lollipop.

    And find the position(s) that work best for you. And once you don't want kids anymore, he can just go ahead & knock those ovaries right on outta you! :-D

  • mdbrowngirl

    If the sex with him is a "Chore", you better learn to be the best damn housekeeper you can be! Do not let him go.

    • http://dontshootmessenger.blogspot.com Sexy Bath Salts _T

      Ha HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!

      I hear you girl.

  • DreaRiley

    wonder could he walk around with her just hangin off it????? or lift weights with it???

  • foolishnessandfuckery

    Girl, let me give you a few tips…I have been fcking a long ass time, since I was 15 and I'm now 37…My 1st was a biggins….Anywho, you do not need to gobble the whole dick down your throat….You can suck the head and stroke him with your hands…and licking the shaft up and down, slowly…yeah, they love that shyt!!! And When you ride, just ride what you can take….You dant have to sit all the way down..there's a special what you can lean forward and rotate your hips on the part you can take…Missionary, tell him to only give you so much, but you also need to relax and breathe slowly….

    • mdbrowngirl

      yass!!! yasssss!!!! tell her!

    • http://dontshootmessenger.blogspot.com Sexy Bath Salts _T

      While I was reading this, I heard music in the back of my mind going..

      *wing wing wing wing wong wong wong wong wing wing wing wing wong wong wong wong*

      I can't wait until your book comes out on audio.

  • foolishnessandfuckery

    Also, I'm trying to figure out what grown azz man doesnt take your feelings into consideration while fcking???

  • http://thechocl8tdiaries.wordpress.com/ chocl8t

    Damn. What a problem to have. O_O I've got nothing…..

  • http://www.ohellnawl.com Slausosaurus Rex

    personally I hope his sexlife stays pitiful and unfulfilled. If there is any justice in this world… his sex life will suck.

    Darth Hater

    • mdbrowngirl

      hatin' ass hater

      • http://www.ohellnawl.com Slausosaurus Rex

        I'll wear that badge prrroooooudly. I am a God amongst haters. LOL

        • mdbrowngirl

          -_-

  • Virtual Virgo

    Foreplay allows for the vagina to expand to accomodate him better. I hope he is giving her some excitement beforehand. She wrote about giving Becky, but I hope Henry is home, too. Otherwise, if she can't make it work, she needs to post his number on this thread. I'm just saying, LOL!

    • mdbrowngirl

      yeah…she pretty much had me at "His d**k was absolutely huge. I don’t mean slightly big, and I don’t mean need for magnum condoms big".

  • http://hexacorde.blogspot.com Hex

    More like World of Morecraft, AMIRITE LADIES?

    • CaraQ301

      You really are on fire this month, huh? LOL

  • F. Honey Badger

    Use your teeth to file it down.

  • Cher_Bear

    I demand photographic evidence that this letter is real. The lady letter writer need not be in those photos.

    • mdbrowngirl

      a few different angles would be nice too.

    • http://dontshootmessenger.blogspot.com Sexy Bath Salts _T

      HA HA HA HA HA … smh….

  • Onyx_666

    Okay! First I have to give da sista props for even sharing her issue. Then again, who else could she turn to? Ya'll know she can't tell her girlz. All those heffas would be forever side-eyein' and accidently-on-purpose rubbing up against her man slipping the #'s to him (just to satisfy their curiosity if nothing else). Tell me it ain't so?

    Yes! This is a serious (albeit not insurmountable…no pun intended) problem for BOTH of them. Ain't no fun having a mattress ruined cuz you went too deep & yo woman just pissed on you AND all over your new Sealy pillowtop. Don't ask me how I know…I just do awwwwight! That was an immediate coitus-interuptus that did NOT end well.

    • http://rawki3@blogspot.com Boss Hog Gangsta

      "Ain't no fun having a mattress ruined cuz you went too deep & yo woman just pissed on you AND all over your new Sealy pillowtop."

      ::hollers::

  • Onyx_666

    I'll just echo the comments that have already been left….LOTS of lube…relax…don't bite off more than you can chew (literally)…experiment with different positions and have him acknowledge just what you can accommodate…if you can get him to bust a nut with a hand job during foreplay try putting him in semi-erect immediately afterward and grinding out your own bliss before he fully comes back to life.

    Finally, if you two are in love keeping talking it out…workin' it out…sex is an important part of any long-term relationship. So there WILL be other issues if you two don't work together to find a solution. However, where there is a will…there is a way! I'm just sayin' Best of luck to ya girl!

  • yaya120

    Well if she's into gardening, or landscaping she can use him as a wheel barrow….brightside?

    • AKA_Lefty

      That's like saying the most popular guy at the nudist colony is the one who can carry 6 donuts and 2 cups of coffee.

  • caratime2

    My great-aunt divorced her 1st husband because – according to her – "it was just too damn big". And she always believed that the damage he did during their marriage was the reason she could never have kids.

    "Big" is relative, for sure, but if it's too big for you, it's too fuggin big!

  • http://dontshootmessenger.blogspot.com Sexy Bath Salts _T

    Well It's nice to new my sisters of OHN are so well versed in… accommodation… I wanted to comment, but I wouldn't touch this thread with a ten inch po.. uh.. um… I mean a ten foot pole.

    • That Dude Bennegtt

      See the direction your avi is pointing? Follow suit…post-haste.

      In other words, g'wan git! ——->

    • DreaRiley

      at least i am not the only one got kicked out

  • AKA_Lefty

    Like I said on FB, he needs to step up his oral game on her. That will relax her and help with insertion.

    My dad told me this story about this guy he knew in the Navy named Kowalski who had a foot long and thick penys. kowalski's wife was very petite and couldn't take it all so he had to tie a towel around the base to the spot of his wife's limit. So I don't think she wants him to do that.

    BTW, Kowalski had a woman track him down because she couldn't find anybody who could satisfy her. They were a perfect fit, literally, and eventually got married.

  • retired_heathen

    Hollup wait… Why is your dad tellin…

    Nevermind.

    • AKA_Lefty

      Because when everybody sees everybody in the showers and goes, "Holy Crap!" then see the petite wife, they ask questions about logistics. And Kowalski was chatty.

  • AKADRFUNK

    I got no advice for her.
    As for him however:

    http://ladirectmodels.com/MaleCasting/

    Why waste your "gift" doing freebies for "love"? Just dumb.
    I remember this Rican brotha' (Jack Napier…google him) had a coupla' kids with this pretty little (4'11")
    Latina babe.The very sight of her with him had me laughing like a dope smoking hyena.I'm guessing she did'nt mind his "day job" all. Probably even felt some relief. (pun)

  • ATLNCPHL0409

    Do you mind if he lets this guy I like borrow a inch or three?

  • http://rawki3@blogspot.com Boss Hog Gangsta

    I think the penis from this letter just wandered into my Twitter timeline…

I dunno what i'm putting here yet. It'll be something ignorant though.
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