Dear Ohn, Why are men so sensitive about their damn penises!

Dear OHN,

I am hoping to get a male perspective from the collective here at OHN as I ran into an incident last week that has caused me to debate whether or not I should consider driving through this Negroes front door with my truck.

For several weeks now this guy and I have been flirting and meeting for drinks and dinner on a few occasions as we can.  Lately the conversations had turned sexual to which It was explained to me that he was very well endowed and couldn’t wait to show and prove what he could do to me. I explained to him that I do like sex but that It is very rare that I will achieve orgasm from having my insides shifted about from penis – and to be honest, the larger the penis the smaller the chance I’m going to be able to cum from it.  The few times I have cum from penetration was from guys who were average to more along the small side.

He wasn’t perturbed in the least.

Last week we took It there and hooked up after a great night of dancing and jazz and true enough, it was a huge dick he had hanging off of his body.  Which did little to nothing in terms of hitting the ‘spot’ I needed him to hit.  I politely gave him hints as to what he could do with that thing while we were having sex but it was like he thought he knew everything I needed and that my input was just frankly unnecessary. “ I’ve got this girl don’t worry.” “I know what I’m doing in this. I know I’ve got you stretched out good.”  TRUE it was big and TRUE it was good but it wasn’t going to get me to where I needed to be and it seemed like he was not trying to hear what I was saying in regards to helping me get to happy land – and from the looks on his face, he was quickly approaching that.

Had little choice but to to take matters into my own hands.


While he was impaling me with a horse length of Goddamn, I decided to rub on my happy place in hopes that we could BOTH have a happy ending.

But none of us did. He got angry, put his clothes on and told me that I could “ just sit there and slap my p*ssy all by myself then.”

How was I wrong? Was MY orgasms not important? I need the men of OHN to let me know was I completely out of line here or is it justified that I want to leave Escalade tire prints up and down his ass.


Signed,  Dj hero. ( ohnworld inside joke)


Now I asked around to a few of the ohnawlian men and women over the weekend because I wanted to make sure that I wasn’t way off when I sit here and say: FOCK THAT DUDE!

You communicated to him that him having a home hysterectomy causing cock in his pants would not be the key to helping you get over the damn rainbow. THEN you tried to help dude along whilst he was tenderising your inside parts only to have him sit there and ignore what you were saying!?

Girl. Baby… lovey love. You know I love me some you and we go way backety back-back but…. I am not seeing the damn issue.   Were you supposed to just sit there and let him get his?  Was YOUR nut not important?


I say let that fool skate, girl. Because you aren’t into those X games. (word to j cole).

One of your fellow OHN ladies put it best when she and I were discussing this letter on saturday and..

She let him IN. If I’m a guest in your house, I should do what you say. If you are a guest in my p*ssy, you do what I say.

:: drops mic ::

That’s just my opinion though.

OHNawlians? what say you…..

When not responding to the dictate:" Will the Defendant Please Rise.." CEO and Creator of OHN;Slaus, is a comic illustrator and Social Media whore who spends his free time building legos, playing video games, drawing fantasy characters and being abused by his wife, two sons and cat.

Facebook Comments





  1. says

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    NO. no no no no no no no NO.

    ::neck wiggle:: FIRST OF ALL…. He has made it perfectly clear that his insecurities have completely overtaken his ability to be a good humpin partner. That's what it is. Insecurity. ' If she starts rubbin all up on herself that must mean I suck. She is sooooooo selfish to want to cum when OBVIOUSLY I know what my big dacked ass is doin. Must be somethin wrong with HER if she ain't got a nut yet.'

    That's how those men think. That ain't what you want. I have friends ( poor unfortunate souls ) whose husbands refuse to allow toys to be used. I do not understand this. It does not compute. I cannot imagine a world in where my Voluptuous vibrating Velociraptor ( i needed another V shutup ) was not involved often and numerous times. My husband loves them because they allow him to be lazy. He knows he can help me achieve my goal but let's face it. Sometimes it's easy….and sometimes it ain't. On those ain't times…he can just tag team his D cell pardner to come in and do the take down.

    It really all boils down to control. If he is offended that you took control in that situation IMAGINE what other circumstances he is gonna get pissed at if you choose to take control. This should not be acceptable to you. You're worth more than that boooosh*t.

    • says

      "I have friends ( poor unfortunate souls ) whose husbands refuse to allow toys to be used. "


      I'm confused on how a grown ass woman is refuuuuuused or not allloooooowed to do anything.

      • says

        ::throws hands up:: I KNOW!

        From what I gather it's the whole insecurity thing. Like they ain't good enough if you gotta involve a vibrator. MOTHERF*CKER THAT'S LIKE CHRISTMAS MORNING IN YOUR PANTS. It's just like…..Sure…I can wash my car with soap and it will work, but I can ALSO wash my car with soap AND the firehose carwash sprayer and it will do the job SOOOOO much better.

        Who wouldn't use the carwash with the soap? Thas just stooooopid.

    • Bubba Renaldo Garcia says

      refuse toys?? wtf…hell that's a fun time. some may get insecure if the toy is bigger than they are. but hell…like you said it's good for lazy days, the dack isn't attached to another dude, and you can give your woman a dp without another real dack and balls anywhere near you. (was that too much?)

      • says

        that's the only time I have toy anxiety.

        is he tryin to slip his sinnin stick in my hind quarters? I'M ALREADY FILLED UP FOOL I AIN'T TRYIN TO DO THAT SH*T.*

        *this is null and void when Jeager Bombs are introduced.

    • says

      I want to meet these dudes and understand what they are doing because maybe they aren't bullies and punks, maybe I'M the bytch because I can't everrrrr imagine me telling Wanna some shyt she CAN'T do and expect that shyt to be heeded and or survive the night.

      So good on them. I must be the bytch then and these dudes are just straight up Gs

      • Bubba Renaldo Garcia says

        they gotta be telling them this stuff with guns to their heads or something.

        • says

          Dude… I'm saying. I can't imagine ever even wanting to tell a woman what she aint gonna do.

          Put it this way.. i'm a domineering asshole which is exactly why I fell in love with a woman who didn't play that shyt.

  2. AKADRFUNK says

    Yeah…he's a jerk. I'd be curious to know if she had him back for another round. It WOULD NOT say good things about her if she did.

  3. says

    Girl, post this one in the "L" column and keep it moving. Oh, and that's a loss for him not you. He's a selfish insecure bast-ard. Game over. NEXT!!!

  4. Bubba Renaldo Garcia says

    that dude is on some other ish. i had a boy who i always heard bragging on his ish to women. afterwards they all said his performance wasn't up to par (dayum homie). seems like some dudes think you're happy enough with a big one and that's gonna take you places no other man could take you. wrong. it's useless if you're only out to impale your partner and give free hysterectomies. for him to stop while you rubbing is a pure b*tch move. you hurt his poor lil feelings. lol

  5. TroyPowers says

    Awwww…you bruised his poor ego. He figured since he was bringing a mile of dick that he would automatically have you climbing the walls. You giving him input was, to him, you saying "You're not good enough." Then, you taking matters "into your own hands" was just the ultimate insult and blow to the ego.

    My guess is this guy doesn't bring much else to the table besides a big dick. Or, at very least, he feels that way. That's his claim to fame. That's what sets him apart from the rest. And you just showed him that it was insufficient. It's like a woman who has been told and reminded all her life how incredibly beautiful she is, suddenly being told, "Yeah, that's all well and good, but if you can't cook or balance a check-book, you're not much good to me."

    Meh…I say the dude isn't an attentive lover. His ego is clearly bigger than his dick. And he's more concerned with feeling like he's conquering your pussy than he is with making you feel good. Fuck him. Let him go get his ego and his dick stroked elsewhere.

    By the way, thank you for giving a man with a completely normal-sized penis the chance to bash on one of the horse-cock bastards. HATE y'all muhhfuckaz!

    • Saran_Dipity says

      This won't be true for every woman, but in my own personal experience as well as at least one other woman on the planet, there is most definitely such a thing as "too big"… Additionally, the ones who don't rely on rearranging the insides with the dack seem to pay MUCH better attention to the outsides :-)

  6. Leo_YardieChick says

    Is this the f*ckery I have to look forward to in the dating game? Dang! Dude sounds selfish as hell, with an overinflated sense of his intercourse skills. You don't need to (and shouldn't) feel bad; he needs to mature the f*ck up.

    • Leo_YardieChick says

      Also, I never found a dude bragging about the size of his d*ck to be a turn on. Shyt, you can get those in discrete brown boxes nowadays – what else do you have, son? I have a giant hammer at home, but that doesn't make me a carpentry boss!

    • says

      OMG…where is this from? This is HYSTERICAL in this context, but I have a feeling that the original story is not so great. But I shall get my laughs in as it currently stands


  7. says

    Here's the thing: conversations, drinks, and dinners were had. "A great night of dancing and jazz" happened, creating enough sparks to take it somewhere more private.


    This wasn't "we were at the club and five minutes later.." — this was talking the talk and NOT walking the walk (and worse, making a royal ass of himself).

    Learn the lesson, gents. Learn the lesson.

  8. says

    She let him IN. If I’m a guest in your house, I should do what you say. If you are a guest in my p*ssy, you do what I say.


    but he is not insecure…he has a huge ego and homechick bruised the fugg out of it…

    I've had that happen many times in my day… *shrugs* take the L and keep it moving…it was not you sweetie it was all him and his elephant penis

    big is not always better

    fugg what ya heard…

  9. says

    He should have read that "g spot" post…
    Anyhoooo…. this guy – and most guys who think (or know) they have super long schlongs think fixing your cervix is what all women dream of.
    To those men – HELLOOOOO….. if that was the case, women would see the GYN and get the cold speculum and long q-tip treatment on the regular *shivers at the thought*

    We need more than what you need. We need more than cranking, more than "churning butter". That man in the boat gets pretty pissed if the tide's not right… and don't get mad if we have to shut him up.

  10. says

    <img src="; alt="Photobucket" border="0">

    “I’ve got this girl don’t worry.” “I know what I’m doing in this. I know I’ve got you stretched out good.”
    That would've been the moment I'd have wished him a good day and pulled up my panties.
    What kind of stupid azz attitude is that… YOU OBVIOUSLY AIN'T GOT IT IF SHE HAS TO GIVE YOU POINTERS, duh!
    General rule: If you 'got it', instructions will NOT be coming out of your woman's mouth. Except for 'keep going', of course.

  11. That Dude Bennegtt says

    She let him IN. If I’m a guest in your house, I should do what you say. If you are a guest in my p*ssy, you do what I say.

    Love this. Kick him to the curb & find someone who will make it about pleasing you. If he won't listen in the bedroom, he won't listen anywhere else. Be glad you dodged that bullet…and get you the one that runs on "C' cells *shrug*

  12. says

    The other guys that I've had, they tried to play all the mac, but everytime they tried I've said "Thats not iiiiitttttt"
    – Salt & Peppa

    How I WISH DJ Hero would have said this during that fated moment!

  13. Unca_Ruckus says

    Man, Fugg that dude. He obviously never learned what lovemaking was all about. He either watched porn or listened to the three guys on the corner that always talk about sex, but are never seen with a woman, ever.

  14. Ardamus79 says

    LOL, dude should've looked at it like the more he listens, the more he'll get laid in the end. In my experience, women like to see what you can do first then let you know what works and what doesn't. The best thing a dude can do is observe the woman in bed then make a move. If you screw up, fall back and let her show you.

  15. kattyone says

    *sighs* My best-evers were in possession of some very potentially damaging instruments. Each could have significantly reduced my reproductive years. But they didn't. And you know why? They knew they possess womb-wreckers and ate the pussy long enough for maximum wetness to be achieved. Then they slowly and surely glided their members into the nooks and crannies that provided the most pleasure for the parties involved. They were attentive, asked questions, waited for answers, and proceeded accordingly. In short, what every sex partner should do. They also took it as a matter of pride for me to get my orgasm (cause I squirt and some men like that, a lot). I have had smaller and larger that didn't/couldn't/wouldn't do that. They set my standards very high and fostered my love for mechanical apparatuses when our time ended.

    If a man or woman doesn't care if you get yours; get up, go home. Not even worth the juice.

    • CaraQ301 says

      I've had one, and he was like this, too. Men with big dacks know that they have to work, too. Not all women like their uterus jackhammered through her throat!

  16. brolikk says

    It doesn't take much to listen and respond accordingly. That way both parties get what is cumming to them. If 1 of the 2 don't want that. It's a lose lose.

  17. T13whip says

    I don't give a fugg, if a woman is letting me in and i'm not doing something right. Tell and or show me, heck… I'm willing to learn. This dude right here, his feelings got hurt and he could't take it when it's put in his face. He didn't know how to satisfy her.

  18. mehtare says

    Bad porn is not really doing anyone any favors, and there is SO MUCH of it out there!!!

    • AKADRFUNK says

      One of the reasons I like the (mostly) women who direct over at Sweet studios. Decent (for what it is) story lines…scene "build-ups"… realistic settings. Oh…Adam & Eve is a pretty reliable studio. As is the Dane Jones studio out of Europe.Don't forget Bluebird Films for the good (mostly) lesbian content.Yeah,not that you asked…but I rarely get the opportunity to "plug" *pun* former colleagues. :-)

  19. CaraQ301 says

    I thought men LIKED watching a woman play dj while he worked the love shack? #IJS

    • mysstea says


      I have never had a man object to a little self love before, during or after.

      I'm just all kinds of speechless.