Ahh, marriage. The joining of two souls in eternal matrimony. A bond of trust, devotion, and affection. For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish..
Wives nag. Husbands take the relationship for granted. Everybody gets fat. Sex evaporates. The kids are exhausting. Your mother is always hovering around and judging everything we do. Why do we always have to do what you like to do? Can’t you see I’m watching the game!? Since when did you ever like scrapbooking? HOW GODDAMN LONG DOES IT TAKE TO FIND SHOES AND A PURSE — WE’RE JUST GOING TO A MOVIE, and money, money, money.
There’s a certain viewpoint where even if you are a romantic at heart the idea of marriage and the effects it seems to have on everyone you know starts to make the whole thing sound like a big pain in the ass — so why even bother?
Even worse is this rising idea that men don’t actually want to get married at all, but rather that they eventually just cave to the wishes of commitment-starved women who have put in their due diligence enough that we simply accept the idea.
Is that really all there is?
Dear RoundTable,
I had this conversation a while back with a bunch of married guys I know, and I simply asked them this: Why did you get married?
Now let me say this, I wasn’t so much shocked by their answers as much as I noticed the answer that was not always said, “Because I love her!” – Well, let me take that back. All of the men (well most of them) said they did love their wives at during the conversation, but their initial responses were more like:
“Because I was getting tired of hearing her mouth. The constant threats of leaving me and finding someone else made me say “Fuck it.” It’s not even worth to start all over. So I’ll give her what she wants, if it would insure my sanity.”
“Her family was on me, plus she was pregnant and they didn’t know. I found the perfect mother to my soon to be newborn. That’s all a guy really wants.”
“It was just that time. I’ve been with her for over 10 years. What else is there to do?”
I walked away from this conversation feeling like “Men don’t choose to get married. They give in.” At first I found this statement ridiculous, but after thinking about it — I realized that know of just as many guys who got married just to shut a woman up or because they got tired of the game of hoes as I do men who say that they married for love.
Do men get married just for the hell of it? Really!?
-Disillusioned
The boys in the Men’s RoundTable like to have their fun. We talk a lot of ish, stare at pics of hotties, and we were really really mad about that whole replacement referee thing, and it was SERIOUS — but the truth is most of us are married, or have been at some point in our lives. The group is full of guys who know just how rare and valuable the love of a good woman can be (even if you did try to make us all change our diets for two weeks because of something you heard on The View).
So we asked the same question to the OHN men’s roundtable and opened the floor to discussion. Guys from all across the country offered opinions — and some of them might just surprise you. Here are some of the highlights:
I gave in. I got married strictly and exclusively because I had a baby on the way and I wanted her to have a “real” family.
I gave in. I mean initially she seemed like a good woman and cared about me and not just what I could do for her. I gave up all my old women and everything — but then after the “I do’s” it allll changed. I don’t regret anything though. I just learned from it. I can’t really say I’d never get married again — but it would have to be for the right reasons and I would not let myself get pressured into it like the first time around.
I got married because I was thoroughly convinced there was not a better woman out there for me than the one I found and I couldn’t imagine my life without her. And I haven’t met a woman yet even after all these years to convince me that I’m wrong in that thinking yet.
A man should only get married if he’s found a good chick and he feels that any amount of days, hours, minutes without her is wasted time. A guy’s got to feel like he only wants money or kids so that he can share them with her and no one else.
At least that’s why my dumb ass did it.
I gave in.. and I’m cool with it most days.
Personally speaking — I am at a point now where I am tired of having to juggle multiple women in order to try to assemble the qualities of that one perfect woman I have in my mind. SO what I am wrestling with is this idea of “What I am willing to settle for as being second best with the least amount of issues I am willing to overlook.” Sad to say, I am not getting any younger and I am not sure I want to play the game anymore.
I don’t know — it seems that “giving in” angle never works out well; forcing a man to do something he doesn’t generally seems not to hold in the long haul. If he doesn’t wanna do it – don’t make him.
I felt like I was at a point where I’d accomplished everything I wanted to try except for a threesome, and I’d finally found someone I wanted to settle down with.
It’s funny though, when I told my homies I was getting married it seem like the world froze for a minute — it was like I was at my peak and I just shut it down for a woman who was never on my radar before until I adjusted my saddle on my high horse.
I loved her, I really did. But I was happy just living together and she gave me an ultimatum. Essentially she had a chance to travel as part of her job — and she basically said, “This is a good opportunity, but I really want to stay here with you — so I need to know how you feel because I need to make a choice.”
I didn’t want to lose her even though I didn’t feel entirely ready for marriage. I knew it was what she wanted, so I took the leap.
I know a lot of dudes who said they got married for their kids thinking that it would make everything better — and NONE of those dudes are still married to those women. Shyt did not get better.
I married my wife because she’s my best friend. She’s the first person I think of sharing anything with. Did I marry her because I loved her? Yes. Was it the 1st reason? Probably not. But I’m also the guy who says love doesn’t mean a relationship is gonna last. In a marriage, especially one that’s a few years in — love comes and goes. That’s not what keeps you together (it does help though).
In all honesty, the marriage originated because of a mix of reasons — she was pregnant, we had been together for 4 years, lived together for a year and a half, and I felt like it was just that time.
But the reason we got together to begin with — and are still together now is because we are best friends.
The first time out, I married for the pussy but forgot that I had to live with the pussy’s life support system. A long time later I decided that I’d only ever consider the issue if love was the base of the relationship AND if I knew that we would be better together than we would be apart. So when I met my current wife, I knew that I had to lock the franchise up. Best decision I ever made. She and I together are so much better than anything I could have imagined, and we both want the same things for our kids (and ourselves).
1) I don’t wanna live alone.
2) She had my baby.
3) She’s my compliment and supplement on many fronts.
4) She nagged the hell out of me.
5) I got past being in love with the idea of marriage.
6) I accepted the idea that I will sometimes vehemently dislike her.
7) She handles the books better than anyone else.
8) She’s seen me through some REALLY rough times.
For the folks that just “gave in” on getting married –are they at least happy with that decision? I know everyone doesn’t always end up with their soul mate — but it doesn’t seem like someone that got married “just because it was time” is making the best decision either. I just broke up with my girl after 4 years. I could have just wifed her up just for the sake of it but that wouldn’t have been fair for her if I wasn’t completely happy in the situation. Why do folks want to act like just having the title of being married automatically will make you better off?
..10) She’s upwardly mobile.
11) She’s driven more than I am. I’m a slug.
12) She can hold her likka.
13) She’s a nerd. I’m a geek.
14) She’s healthy (for now, God willing.)
15) I require tough love.
16) She’s West Indian..
Ugh, this guy. GET A ROOM ALREADY.
But that’s just our opinion. What do you think?
Got a situation? Need a man’s opinion?
Email us at ohellnawl@gmail.com
Subject: Roundtable
@HexaCorde
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This was awesome. Thanks, guys.
I don't know what to say to all of this…
very interesting…
it doesn't make me feel all that great about my chances of getting married though…
I don't know…
definitely interesting…
Makes me feel like my time is up on finding someone sane. Whatever…All the ones who wanted it, got it…Meh. Socialite whore it is!
Wait, you have to be rich to be a socialite …whore…just whore.
I laughed SO hard at this…I *heart* you so much Suga!
you just gonna give in based on a few weak minded men?
interesting…
I don't think THEY are the reason for your giving in…
Well, I wasn't entirely serious…I'm not in a place where I want to lay out all my personal reasons for not rushing into marriage on OHN today. However, I will say that if I ever come to a point in my life where I invite another man in my life again, I will take more time with it. I've always been choosy but I apparently need to do a little better.
And unfortunately, I've found this more often than not that men think this way but that's just my personal experience. I hope to meet more who aren't this way. I can't say it is right or wrong but I personally don't have time for someone who isn't sure. If he doesn't want it, I'm sure as hell not going to waste my time trying to convince him he does…
Wow…sometimes the reasons for moving forward aren't so different across the sexes. *shrug* They don't call it an "institution" for nothing…
Eh…been married before and we got married because I had his child…that marriage lasted every bit of 2.5 yrs…not looking to do it again, 1 for many of the men's attitudes about it…I dont want to be someone's burden or feeling like they settled….Nah, I'm good…
You are so right. As a single woman, this really made look at a lot of things differently.
I txt'd a wishy washy guy that I know (he'll be in my face one sec & MIA the next) and told him, "I think you like the idea of being in a realtionship, but when it comes down to it, you're not for it" Also, I think it's real sucky of these guys to "give in", it's almost being selfish if you ask me..it's like they're saying, "I don't really want you, but I dont want anyone else to have you" They almost made it seem like Martin when he proposed to Gina for the 1st time….
I hate the term "settling down". It sounds like some old cereal crumb remnants at the bottom of a bag of Malt-O-Meal.
Heh…I like that…
ROFL!
I'd be fine with the horse.
That's what Matthew Broderick said, and look where it got him.
*tears* That was wrong. LOL!!!
Oh Hex! *dead*
*murked*
LOL! That was wrong! (true, but wrong)
Bwahah! Not right, Hex. Funny as hell, but not right. At all.
THIS
I think a lot of this is about expectations. About how different people envision this idea of marriage — whether it's seen as settling down or taking the chance to evolve into something new and even better than what you had before.
I think the reactions we're seeing from the comments represents a view of what it means to want to get married that is clearly different from how a lot of the guys who commented on the original thread felt after they did.
It's weird how that works out, and almost surprising when you're compiling it all together to realize how many times you actually type words like "I gave in" or whatever — but for a lot of these guys they were talking about first (and in many cases, failed) marriages.
I personally believe that there are lots of guys out there who *want to get married*, and believe in marriage for love.
But when you ask guys who are/were ALREADY married, you're seeing things from a different perspective, even from the guys who would go to the ends of the earth for their wives and loved ones.
I'm not surprised by the men's comments nor am I discouraged by them either…but I also no longer have that burning desire to be married.
Unlike many other women, I don't view the men as "weak-minded"…Men and women approach things very differently for the most part. We're just wired differently. Women generally want the fantasy of her Prince Charming falling madly in love with her and him swearing his life to her when in reality, many men just don't think this way. Some fall in love and marry and some just get tired of the "game" and go with the one that's been down the entire time. It is what it is. Doesn't make them wrong…just different.
I'll never understand why my sisters get so bent out of shape when they hear how men really think. lol
I totally agree with this. I think we-men and women- have interpret our communication.. when it comes to certain things like love, relationships.. The who's whys and what's.
Even the men who stated they married because they felt it was "time", doesn't mean that they didn't love the women they married. At least I didn't get that from most of the answers I read.
We -men and women- communicate differently.
Also, I think it's possible that even though the things that motivate us to marry may be different, the foundation is usually love. To be honest, when I read some of the answers above-even though the word love wasn't used, I felt love in their communications.
Just because someone isn't talking about the moon, stars, and rainbows-like a lot of women do- doesn't mean that they don't feel it.
Men and women have different love languages. So when that man said, she's motivated, she compliments me, she's the best mother for me child and I knew I couldn't do better, that equals rainbows and butterflies for them.
And I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised by this conversation. It was honest and open and I think it reflects the grittiness of love and marriage.
But .. I like women so I don't have to deal with that s**t.
Man….I just got told some stuff today that..shoo.
All I can say is, women sometimes get married for the wrong reasons as well.
Case and point, I was just told today by a friend, lets call her Tiffany, that her best friend's son just recently found out his wife was cheating on him…from even before they got married…
Their first year anniversary is next month.
They had been together north of 8 years but apparently, the day before the bridal shower she went out to lunch with the guy who she ended up having an affair with.
Come to find out that the wife, lets call her Christina, stopped having sex with her husband 3 days after the honeymoon. She never opened up the wedding presents. She also claimed to be "depressed" and "needing her space"( which again, was the excuse for not having sex with her new husband). She also stopped contributing to the household bills. Christina and her unfortunate husband had been living together for years before the marriage, but all of a sudden, right after they got married she stopped paying her half of the bills…because she was "depressed".
See, that there is a woman who didnt have the courage to admit to her fiance that her feelings had changed and that she had met someone else( no doubt she was reluctant to do so because the man she was cheating with is married as well). But then I think about my Aunt Charity( may she rest her soul) who told me that on the day of her wedding, she knew deep in her heart she had no business marrying the man she married…they divorced less than 5 years later.
So I wonder…do women "give in" to marriage even with dudes they are no longer certain about because they want the wedding fantasy or because they are too scared to break it off or because they dont want to disrupt all the money and planning spent on the wedding.
Either way…just wow.
So I wonder…do women "give in" to marriage even with dudes they are no longer certain about because they want the wedding fantasy or because they are too scared to break it off or because they don't want to disrupt all the money and planning spent on the wedding.
That and:
Some women don't want to be alone, not even with their own thoughts.
We've been told and conditioned to think that we're crazy, over-emotional, and hysterical, so it's hard to decipher (so I think) if it's just cold feet or a real lack of belief that a marriage will last.
If you're a Black women, we've always been told "You Betta Lock Him Down Girl!" because all of those studies (I don't believe) keep telling us we're not worthy, desirable, or worth marriage and that we're suppose to marry a man that loves us and we'll eventually learn to love him back if we already don't.
She messed up that man's life because she couldn't stand up and speak out about what she wanted in her own life? No thank you.
My thing is this…. Stop acting likwe this isn't the direct result of a lot of other shyt.
Marriage is NOT the end-game for the VAST majority of men like it is for women and there is a reason why. We condition young boys all the time to see no value in emotions and or emotional attachments. When boys FEEL things we say they are being weak, they are being soft, they are being stupid, they are acting like girls. We discourage men from ever putting value in anything of emotional importance and now we want to act like the fact that men aren't interested in the biggest Emotional End-game?
yeah, ok.
Majority of black men grow up in homes where there IS no man who shows them via his words or actions that loving a woman and finding a woman you truly connect with is important. Add that onto the fact that men of every race are raised that emotions and emotional needs other than lust are weak, what do you f*cking expect to happen?
It's comical how quick we are to be angered by the product of our own actions.
WOmen are mad that men don't think like they do when… i'm sorry… but we're different creatures who have been conditioned MUCH differently in this world.
The men who feel this way are not at all BAD men. they are not weak.
and if you take the time to actually think about WHY they feel the way they do, you might learn something.
I wish I could "like" this comment more than once! lol
All of this gets my stamp of approval
Preach that s**t !
*does a praise dance*
do women "give in" to marriage even with dudes they are no longer certain about because they want the wedding fantasy or because they are too scared to break it off or because they dont want to disrupt all the money and planning spent on the wedding.
I know a few women who KNEW they shouldn't have married their husbands BEFORE their wedding day and went through with it anyway. End result? Bitter. Unhappy. Divorced. So, you're right…it's not just the men.
i was going to keep quiet, but there's something about this that's bothering me. "giving in" or "there was nothing else to do" or "because she was pregnant/had my kid, so why not?" or "she was hounding me" are all conditional to me. marriage, let alone love, is supposed to be unconditional. you either love her or you don't. so what happens when you get to a snag that requires a lot of work and time to fix? are those conditions going to come into play since that was your foundation? and if it can't be fixed, then f**k it all to hell? no wonder people have such a skewed outlook about marriage because of things like this.
why not consult your conscience about this? what does your heart say? can you really see your life with her through all the bad and the good? what about how to raise your children, the extended or the crash course if she's pregnant/had the child already? this is just the tip of the iceberg with the questions that can't be solved with conditions. when you get married, it's two people working as one unit. if you can't be bothered to do that because it's "not in your DNA as a man" to care or even have true feelings for your partner both publically and privately, then it's doomed before it can really get started.
I think if you look at a lot of the answers, the guys that said they just "gave in" with nothing else behind it are the ones ended up divorced. The ones that seem to still be married are the ones that already had a solid relationship before, and getting married was just the next step in it. If there was a strong relationship before the "I do"s they make their way through the snags. If not, they come apart.
Love is supposed to be unconditional, but it rarely seems to work out that way in reality. It seems that more people find someone that's about 85% of what they want in a mate and deal from there, rather than keep waiting and searching for that one person that fulfills 100% of what they want.
''….seems that more people find someone that's about 85% of what they want in a mate and deal from there….'''…….THIS!!!!!!!…No one is perfect,and in this day and age,you are lucky if someone meets 50% of the things that you are looking for.I waited to get married because I knew that if I did,I'd wind up divorced before we even hit the 6 month mark.Why?Because I KNEW I couldn't just BE with someone just for the sake of having a ring on my finger.I know I'm a mess and I never wanted whoever I wound up with to feel obligated or guilted into being with me.Someone once told me''You can't build a house on a sh**ty foundation",Once I worked on my''Foundation'' ,and didn't settle for less than what I knew I deserved,I found my sugabooga.
I honestly think if you asked guys if they could unconditionally love someone they weren't married to a lot of them would say yes. There's an equivalency it seems like you're drawing there that I don't think is always the case.
Ideally the best love is unconditional and pure. And if the best marriages are the ones founded on love, then you can draw a relationship between those two things for relationships lucky enough where both partners to feel that way.
But then there are other situations — One of my dearest friends growing up was conceived before his parents were married, at a time when that wasn't so much of a thing. You'd see these wedding pictures of his mom and dad and then you'd realize he was in them too, and it would surprise you.
Those two married almost directly out of circumstance, and had some hard times and bad fights because of it — but there was what I've always believed was real love between them — one that had to grow up fast from teenage lust into adult responsibility, but one that did eventually endure (you should see them now, they're like George and Weezy). But there were times when he said some things he probably shouldn't have in front of his son's best friend about wishing he'd done things differently when he was a teenager.
The simple truth is that when you're young and hot in love you not only don't see the things ahead of you, sometimes you don't even know what those things are gonna be. That doesn't make those choices conditional so much as it means you have to make the commitment to go through them together.
reading the thread, i can understand what you all are saying. but the phrases still leave that notion like some of them along with others felt they were backed against the wall, leaving them no choice. that was my impression of what was being said, resulting with my reply. i know people like that as well who marry out of circumstance and worked with it, some are 40 years in and going strong. but i would also like to believe that there was something between them in the beginning that they wanted to build on, as hex mentioned. i was addressing those as if there was nothing there and they married because it felt like obligation. that was my issue.
The thing is, the ones who married because they felt like it was an obligation… felt like it was obligation. If someone gives you an ultimatum like, "I have spent ____ years waiting for you to 'get ready'. You either need to get ready or I'm getting out!", they gave you a choice. They want to believe the choice is, "either you want to be with me or you don't". But what they actually said was, "are you going to pay this ____ year debt, or not". Good men are honorable, and they will pay their debts if they believe they have one.
I don't believe it's "not in a man's DNA" to want to get married. Like Slaus said, it's more conditioning by society. A very wise man once said that marriage is a commitment to imperfection. I think that was brilliant, because two people raised in different households by different parents in different environments are going to envision marriage differently. One person's personality AND view of marriage are going to seem imperfect to the other, and vice versa. Folks tend to get divorced because they focus on trying to get the perfect rather than learning to appreciate the imperfect. If someone found someone who is 85% of what they want, the difference between happiness and sadness is whether they were always upset about the 15% they didn't get, or they learned to love the 15% that wasn't what they wanted.
Some of the things the men said may be harsh and unromantic. But when you come down to it they chose to "try" to make someone else happy rather than leave and make themselves happy. It wasn't the best reason (or even a good reason) to get married, but it is still a sign of a man who has marriage potential in him.
I love the realness of this. Marriage is not all pretty and mushy and lusty. I was always anti marriage….until I got stupid and fell in love and all that shyt and my ass said "I do". I dont know that I could articulate 12 yrs ago or now why I married my polar bear. He was smart and awesome and all sorts of shyt that get on my ever lasting nerves now. But like one man said I figure as long as life (not hours or days here and there) without him is not something I want to contemplate then we're good.
Who's to say what something is supposed to be for someone else? Every situation is different so I cannot completely judge what these men said. Whose to say that it didn't eventually work out in the end for some of them? I just know what I wouldn't do but some people do get married for convenience or because that's what they thought they should do for the baby and it worked in the end. In probably a lot of circumstances, it didn't. I just wish that people would do a lot more thinking and communicating before making these decisions. KNow what you value about marriage and how much love or other things play in it. Know what your ideas are and find someone who like have the same ideas about it you have.
Look – for those of you who believe, there's a reason the Bible says that he who FINDS a wife, finds a good thing. It means he was looking for one. If the man ain't looking – please believe that you forcing him won't make ish better. [Some of] y'all might be butt-hurt now, but hopefully this will get you to ask your man the right questions — and dudes too, because women can be shady as well.
However, if you have a man who wants to get married – because he can't see life without you, then you have a good thing…won't always be easy, but at least you know he wants it too. If y'all are divided on motive, best believe when ish goes down, it will get ugly. *shrug*
"there's a reason the Bible says that he who FINDS a wife, finds a good thing."
I can change the emphasis to "there's a reason the Bible says that he who finds a WIFE, finds a good thing", and give it a totally different meaning. Not every man who wants a relationship with a woman wants a wife. And not every woman who wants to get married is ready to be a wife. They are ready to have a husband, but they aren't ready to be a wife. Of course their are bunches of ways to define what a wife is or isn't, and I'm not going down that road because it has no real destination. But if you ask old married women what they did to be successful, there is alot of overlap. Many sisters will say that they don't do those things now, but they will if they have to when they get married. Those same women would never marry an irresponsible man who said he would be responsible if he had to be. They would want him to show he is responsible first.
Just a thought…
church!
ladies every guy u meet & date is not ment 2 be your husband…..so please stop tryin 2 make him b. most guys r just 4 fun & temp friends. if as a lady u can get that…then liv your life & hav fun but b ready cause 1 day u may meet man thats is ready 4 marriage or a guy like me who wants lov & 2 be married & if most otha things match well 2gether….. will b on dat knee asap!
even though it didnt work out 4 me da first time
I still love "love" & "loving" & being "loved" more than anything. yea i kno….crazy…..but i am 1 of the few dudes whos mom is a widow (30+ yrs) & while my parents marriage wasnt perfect it showed me the example of dat black family lov thang that I wanted & still want so bad. now 9yrs of marriage later, divorce, & with coustody of my 2 lil people things are a lot more complicated 4 me. mosts sistas i run in2 2day r lookin 4 a sponcer or 2 b sombodies dependant…..anybodies dependant! f*** that……i anit nobodies sponcer & i already got enough dependants! in otha words " i aint neva been a trick & aint picked 2day 2 start trickin"! but if i find da sista i dont want 2 liv without that is wantin 2 be my partner/mate/bestfriend/coworker….(cause its work 2) its on like popcorn!
most guys see marriage in a more logical unemotional lite….not because lov isnt important but lov dont pay da bills & manage da responsibilities that come with being a family. so sometines ladies a dude is not askin u 2 marry him…. cause he doesnt love u but… he doesnt see u as a good partner match 4 him or doesnt see some otha things he feels he needs in the lady thats goin 2 b his wife. Trust me…..in my opinion…..most men…..if we get a chance at a relationship wit da laides we really r crazy about….da 1s we r crazy about even b4 we say hello……& things match well & workout……..most guys would b askin her 2 marry them quick!
truth is most guys holla at ladies dat their crazy about & ladies that r jus arrite…..usually more success come with the 1s that r jus arrite. so while a dude loves & is wit the lady thats jus arrite….he still wants 1 that hes crazy about. then time, lov & comfort builds wit da lady thats jus arrite & he decides 2 "give in" or "settles" when pressured. I aint givin in or settlin!
I love my girl and I do want to marry her. Primarily because we get along so damn well. We have a ton in common and she's like my best friend (That I also get to sleep with). She's a trooper and will tough it out though most situations no problem. Plus, I need someone that gives me that solid advice when I'm ready to bail on everything that sucks much donkey testicles. So yeah I'll be marrying this one.
Oh and the sex is the best I ever had.. just saying.
1) I know too many men/women who settled. My mom did because she wanted out from underneath her mother's thumb – my dad married my mom because he knew he'd be envied but still cheated with every nasty broad he could get his dack into. I'm glad that I never truly experienced this shyt–I say truly because I came damn close before I pulled my sanity back from the brink–because it's depressing as hell.
2) I love we always keep talking about how we have to start, one by one, to break the cycle of these kinds of relationships in order to fully stop them. That we have to be examples for our friends and families and loved ones.
BUT…we keep using the same tired azz excuses as to why it keeps happening anyway. Men and women: "it's how we're raised", "it's a gender/generational thing", "I can't help how I was taught", "what else could I do"…and want to keep complaining about a never-ending cycle. You know how traditions stop becoming traditions? BY FORMING NEW ONES. I could have went the same way–hell, I almost did go the same way–but I knew it wouldn't make me or the man I was with happy in the long run. So you know what? I found the will to bounce, and I left all relationships the hell alone until I could either find someone that truly made me happy. Or I'd would be happy by. my. self. We need to start growing some damn courage.
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Gosh. I'm so glad I'm not marrying a man. SMH.
I think a lot of issues would be prevented if both parties were honest with each other about what they wanted before the relationship got that deep. So many women think they're going to be "the exception" they're gonna find their dream man, and he's gonna marry them whether HE wants to get married or not at the outset. 99% of the time that man who doesn't want to get married STILL won't want to get married after you're with him. Same goes with women, obviously.
That exception thing goes for a lot of situations. "Oh we're moving in a month in, but it'll definitely work out." No honey, that's super unlikely. Not impossible, but unlikely. Everyone wants to believe that they will be the special ones where an unlikely situation will actually work out…that's probably why there's so many examples of failures. Haha.
I've personally never had a hard and fast rule about marriage other than I refuse to have children out of wedlock. If I'm gonna have kids, I'm gonna be married for a while first. If I don't have kids, then maybe I'll get married or maybe I won't. That was my thinking while I was single. I wasn't going to force anything, I was just going to see what worked for the relationship and the person with whom I wanted to spend my life.
Now that I've found my soulmate, we want to get married. We've both made that abundantly clear. I think it's unreasonable to make (hard and fast) decisions about marriage and kids on your own, since you need TWO people for both of those things, unless you're gonna be single with kids and have a donor or something. However, if you know you definitely want to get married, look for a mate who wants the same things. That's a pretty simple foundation.