One of the things that tends to cause problems in relationships is the fact that even the happiest of couples get frustrated with each other sometimes. Let’s be real here — sometimes your significant other can just drive you crazy. And when people are frustrated in a relationship — especially when it comes to really core issues, a lot of people find that it helps to talk those frustrations out with someone else.
We’ve all got that one friend who comes to us for relationship advice — even if the issues are simple or petty, because sometimes walking through an issue with a (mostly) objective third party can help folks see things in a better light. But as a consequence, many of us have lots of dirt on our peoples boyfriends or girlfriends that we may not have ever wanted to know — especially if we happen to be friends with that other person too.
All those vague loyalties, the weight of having to keep secrets for one friend about another friend, the risk that your gripes might be given away or confessed before you feel you’re ready to really discuss them with your partner.. it can be a dangerous path.
So what some people choose to do is trust in the comfort of strangers.
Of course with social networking no one’s really a true stranger anymore, and sometimes internet friends can provide a clear-eyed perspective that your so called “close friends” might feel uncomfortable about giving.
But when you start airing out your dirty laundry in an unfamiliar laundromat — sometimes those stains end up getting back on you.
I wanted to ask for some male advice; I’ve been talking to a guy online and at first we were just trading 1 or 2 pictures and fake talking about our future.
He said he was extremely attracted to me, physically, but also really liked my personality.
I knew he was in relationship – but he didn’t seem too serious about it because it was only a few months old and long distance (she and I live in the same area).
I knew he felt disrespected by his GF and I would make jokes about how he should stop talking to me and work on his relationship with her. For me it was just fun flirting until he pointed out his girlfriend online and then I felt real jealousy because I didn’t think she deserved him. She was young and immature, she would flirt with other guys, tell them that her man was thirsty.
He said I helped him realize through his conversations with me that he needed to recommit to his GF 110% and try to get her to change, like I changed him. He said he wanted to help HER to be more like ME! Mature, caring, unselfish, etc.
The girl is who she is, likes attention, boasts about her looks and KNOWS he dislikes her behavior (she does it, then apologizes later, repeatedly).
I don’t know how much more of a chance he needs to give her to change — but I just keep wondering why make someone more like me when I already exist?
In other words: Why does he want to change her when he could have me instead?
Please let me know what you think,
- Older, Wiser, and Better
We put this question to the OHN men’s roundtable and opened the floor to discussion. Guys from all across the country offered opinions — and even in some cases shared similar experiences of their own. Here are some of the highlights:
Maybe because she was there first and he’s not a total douche? Just guessing.
Something is keeping him there. Seriously, if it was that bad he would have been have ended that relationship a long time ago.
The way I figure it — no matter how bad the problems on the surface, the coochile is probably like a diamond to him.
The other girl might not like hearing this, but she’s just there for emotional support.
Ummm homegirl — Let it go. If dude wants to work on his relationship, let him.
You shouldn’t have caught feelings for old boy when you KNEW he had a girl. If they don’t work out then you can feel free to pursue –but otherwise you need to calm your tits and be his friend..
Are you serious? WTF planet are you living on?
See this is why ya’ll gonna continue to have issues getting a decent guy. First off you knew he was in a relationship. But you say it was just flirting on your part until you got to see the chick. Now all of a sudden you wanna bow up all swole like you are the better chick for him!? Not six got damn seconds and two sammiches ago you was content playing with his emotions cause it was “just flirting.” Mane fugg you and you kind.
Silly girl – he has both of ya’ll. He ain’t gotta choose.
OF COURSE he’s staying with his girl — he never had any intention of leaving.
She might not be perfect and he might bitch about her, but if he had any designs on stepping out, wouldn’t he have already made a move on this girl he said was “attracted to” by now?
Here’s the thing though — right or wrong, the friendship between her and this guy was basically an emotional connection. He felt he could go to her with his issues in confidence, and because of that comfort zone was able to sort of vent about his girlfriends issues.
If his main chick finds out about this she might just bounce on him anyways. Why not just go to his girlfriend with these gripes?
Shouldna been flirting w/dude in the first place. You knew you were tryna get w/him from jump.
*ahem* GOTCHA BITCH!
You are now on stand-by. You have just become his “In Case of Emergency” mouth. He knows if his girl pisses him off, he can go out of town, give you a good konging and go right back to his girl.
At least I know that’s what I would do, lol.
He has them both right where he wants them. Because now it’s a competition. The other girl is pretty so now it’s her goal to make him leave for her. Women play that damn game all the time.
Get mad at me if you want, but it’s not like his main chick doesn’t plays games too. Calling him thirsty to others and all that? Fugg that chick with a sick dack.
Why did he choose her over you?
Because she’s better looking than you are and/or she provides more of a challenge.
Welcome to Side-pieceville.
I think there’s some space here to call this guy a crappy boyfriend.
His attitude about his girl is pretty sour, and although we’re getting a biased re-telling of the facts, it would seem at one point he was actively convinced he needed to change what kind of person she was. The fact that he can’t go to his own girl with these gripes is sorta lame.
This drives me nuts – Girl was acting like it was all harmless or whatever, and even blew it off when he said he was attracted to her (how serious he was about that is debatable, but still) — so she’d sort of dismissed him romantically already, UNTIL she saw the other girl. So this whole ‘change of heart’ apparently has NOTHING to do with him at all — it’s just some sort of competitive “I’m prettier” than her bulls**t. Say he does leave his girl for her because now she’s “into him” — how long is that gonna last when it’s based on petty crap like this?
Lemme give y’all a Dr. Jack Ramsay-style breakdown of this shyt:
1. Dude was already in another relationship.
2. The writer confessed to flirting with a dude who was already in a relationship.
3. The writer confessed that she only felt something for Mr. Taken when she saw his girl…and immediately assumed that dude could and should trade up – to HER.
4. Dude made it clear that he is NOT dropping his girl…and the writer is MAD about it.
This girl who wrote the letter is STANK. STANK AS AAAWWLL HALE. STANK AS UNWASHED BUTTCRACK STANK. People in relationships should be Off Limits — PERIOD. As long as he is happy with his girl, it ain’t nobody else’s meddlin-azz bidness. She’s confusing her outside observer opinion with his ability to choose his own mate — and I don’t give a downstroke about whether she don’t think he chose “right,” because HE already made that choice.
It’s nice to have someone to confide in, an outside opinion to go to when you’re frustrated about something — and what happens a lot with guys and girls is when that connection is there, attraction (of a sorts) easily follows. So dudes get smitten with hot bartenders and girls get a certain idea about personal trainers or the UPS guy. And its nice to fantasize and all, but it’s not real.
Get over yourself.
It comes down to it being his choice. Even though she thinks she is the better woman — she has to realize that the guy didn’t really consider her romantically in the first place, just someone who he talked to as a friend with relationship advice. She shouldn’t surprised that he acted along his own thinking and not her reasoning that he should have chosen her instead.
But that’s just our opinion. What do you think?
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