As many of you know here at OHN, when it comes to Zombies, I was once the biggest scarediest b8tch in all the lands. Two years ago when the Walking Dead first came on AMC, I tried my best to watch the first episode but not 15 minutes into the show I found myself frantically reaching for the remote in order to cut it off. Not being able to find it though, my fat-ass just ran out of the room and upstairs.
Yes I could have just went up to the television to turn it off, but that would have meant actually getting close to the television and there was a zombie on the screen reaching out to eff up my very soul.
So… I ran.
I’m not proud of it… but I did.
It was another year before I attempted to watch the show again but this time my fears had subsided a wee bit due to the fact I had read several zombie novels – one of which, World War Z, I read twice, and had become fascinated with the concept of the Walking Dead. So… I decided to give the show another chance. This time my wife; Wanna and I watched it… together. I figured that having my lady with me would cause me to stop acting like a bytch in order to save face in front of her because hey… i’m a man.. THE man of this home and I can’t be seen looking like a lil punk in front of my lady.
:: shrugs :; I left her azz on this couch watching it by herself. Cuz I ran. Again.
But then I came back.. made it all the way through the episode and….needed to see more. Then mor.. then more then more, and before you knew it… We had watched the entire first season. And it was Amazing.
All this time that we were watching season 1, you all were half way through season 2, and because my wife and I rather refuse to watch episodic television week to week, we knew it would be a whole year before we too would be able to enjoy in the drama and undead awesomeness. And wait we did….and it was well worth it.
Now, having watched all two seasons back to back as well as the first episode of season three, I just have a few questions.
1). WHY THE F*CK DOESN’T CARL EVER JUST STAY IN THE HOUSE!!
This gatdamn punk-ass kid has but one thing to do. ONE thing to do!! SIT THE F*CK DOWN SOMEWHERE IN THE HOUSE! But nooooo this lil precocious bytch wants to wander all about the gatdamn countryside…. wander off alone… and skip rocks down creeks… poke Zombies with sticks… and just generally get into all types of foolishness like a lilttle boy does. BUT most little boys don’t live in a gatdamn zombie infested world where going a day without having your face eaten the hell off is an accomplishment! Like living in FLorida, but not as bad. but because THIS lil fool wonders off and gets into ish, BAD ISH ENDS UP BEFALLING OTHER PEOPLE!!!! Old men get their stomachs ripped open by the same ponk-azz zombie the kid was throwing rocks at just hours before and didn’t kill etc etc. Man… eff this kid. Just Eff him.
2). As a parent, WHO THE F*CK JUST LETS THEIR KID WANDER AROUND IN A ZOMBIE INFESTED WORLD!
bytch I don’t care if you think the farm is safe, I don’t care if you haven’t seen a zombie on the property in days! maaaaan you KNOW they are out there! There are more zombies than their are living people so…. WHY is your kid not near you at ALL TIMES!!! It makes no sense!!!!! Watch your damn kids!!!!
3). WHO BRINGS A BABY INTO THE WORLD DURING A ZOMBIE INFESTED APOCALYPSE!!!!
Let me tell you something. In the zombie apocalypse, any of you fools get pregnant, please understand we’re leaving you behind or i’m kicking you in the stomach for the greater good. : shrugs : Sorry, bytch but this is an apocalypse!! Mofos aint got tiiiiime for morality! Morality, compassion and understanding are a luxury and it’s a luxury that MY group aint gonna be able to afford. How the hell are we supposed to run with a waddling-azz preggy heffa in the group! How are we supposed to hide out whilst your baby is crying ass crying!!?? Hale to alll the nawls!!!! You can take some morning after pills or take these bullets, heffa! Nope. besides, WHO the hell would even bring a child INTO that kind of world, son!!!! Come on!!
4). WHY THE HELL IS THE ONLY BLACK MAN ON THE SHOW HAVE TO BE NAMED T-dog.
His Momma didn’t name him T-dog, gat dammit. Why can’t we call him Terrance ?? Some booolshyt. And damn can T-dog get some more damn screen time in season 3??? Hell, after the 2nd episode of season 2, i forgot his azz was even there!!!! Did he even SAY a line after that episode??? Dang. I guess i’ll just be happy he is even alive, shyt.
5). WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE STILL PRAYING!!!
When the folks are hiding from the zombies or lecturing one another, from time to time they keep bringing up praying and praying for their survival and such. MAAAAAAN WHY are you PRAYING!! It’s an APOCALYPSE!! OBVIOUSLY God has come to a conclusion regarding the planet earth and a decision has been maaaaade and sorry to break it to you.. it didn’t work out too well for us. Quit all the damn praying! You are already IN hell. Kind of a moot point now. Just saying.
6). WHO THE F*CK IS CUTTING THE GRASS!!!
Several damn scene in the walking dead, is featured in subdivisions, on farms etc and…. I need to know who the hell is mowing lawns!!!???? I need to know!!
7). WHY THE F*CK DO THEY EVER ENGAGE IN CONVERSATIONS FACE TO FACE!!!??
I don’t care WHAT we have to talk about, people. NONE of it is important enough to do face to face. No. You want to talk to me, fine but you look that way and i’ll look this way so that we aren’t so involved in a conversation that we don’t notice zombies coming to chomp us the haaaale up!!! THEN b*tches get mad at one another and storm off to go cool off….alone. Then look shocked when all of a sudden there is a zombie eating out their anus!!! SIT CHO AZZ DOWN!!!!!!
Still, this is simply one of the best shows on television. After awhile you become less afraid of the zombies and you become more afraid of the humans and you become insanely afraid at their stupidity at times.
Take it from me… someone who was horribly afraid of all things zombie, and do yourself a favour. Watch this show….. Seasons 1 and 2 are on netflix right now. Trust me.. it’s worth it.