Dual incomes suuuure sounds like a sweet deal, doesn’t it?
Twice the money! Twice the stuff! And we’re so in love, it’s not like we’ll ever disagree on how to spend the cash or how to manage the bank accounts or how we can’t afford a new flat screen TV this year because it’s almost time for new curtains on all the windows. Compared to being single and having to pay for everything on a date, being a couple with money must be like like living in some sort of futuristic utopia, right?
Learning to survive on your own as an adult is a process. Some folks are naturally good with finances, but a lot of us aren’t. It’s a skill, a careful balance of budgeting and pre-planning, resistance to temptation and discipline that a lot of people simply don’t have when they start out on their own. So you can imagine how frustrating it might be when you’ve spent all that time figuring out how to keep your money straight only to find yourself loving someone who you come to find out spends like it’s water.
Couples argue about money. It’s a simple fact. Even the healthiest and happiest of relationships will find themselves at odds sometimes when it comes to finances.
Sometimes it’s about not having enough money, sometimes it’s about wasting what little excesses you do find yourself with — but a lot of the times it’s not even the money that’s the problem. Sometimes the arguments are about who controls the finances, or even where the money is kept.
Before you know it — arguments about money start sounding more like arguments about trust.
One of my first jobs out of school was working in a warehouse. We’d spend the day loading train cars with car parts. Every two weeks we’d get paychecks, and a bunch of the guys would immediately cash theirs. This one old guy I remember would always take part of the cash and put it in his socks. When I asked him one day why he did it, he said “My wife handles all the bills, but she doesn’t know how much I actually make. The sock money is mine.”
Damn, is that really how things are out there?
Dear RoundTable,
I was thinking about something that I keep hearing while the talking heads keep blabbing on about the election — about how women voters may have thoughts about social issues, but that their main voting concerns are with the economy, since so many of them handle the bills for their families.
And it got me to thinking — In the committed relationships you’re in (or the ones you’ve been in/hope to be in later) — do you have strong feelings about who should “control” the money?
Joint bank accounts or individual? Who’s “in charge” of the bills? Was this decided outright or was it the sort of thing that evolved over time?
Is this a straight gender thing, or should it be left to the person who’s better/more disciplined at it? Is there a best way to handle it? Or is it different for everybody?
Wondering how the menfolk feel about this,
- Miss Independent
We put this question to the OHN men’s roundtable and opened the floor to discussion. Guys from all across the country offered opinions — and even in some cases shared similar experiences of their own. Here are some of the highlights:
I’ve been an advocate of joint accounts for house bills. My check goes in. Any per diems or bonuses is my money– even tax returns if I’m the one filing Married. I’ve found that this approach keeps me hustling so I can have my own play money. She handles the bills outright, though. I don’t need the headache.
Since I’m the breadwinner I handle most of the big “house” bills; rent, lights, phones, groceries — things like that. She handles the insurance and childcare. Everything else is pretty much first come first serve, whoever has the money when something’s due is the one that pays it.
I used to be absolutely horrible with money. It wasn’t at all my thing, even though it should be common sense. My girl on the other hand is a budgeting genius. We have always had joint accounts and I have neverrrrrr lied to her about how much money I make. You can’t build real relationships on lying.
I don’t care who pays the bills. I don’t even care how much she spends. I’m a simple man, as long as I have enough money at the end of the day for weed and gourmet groceries I’m good.
It always bothered me when women or men talked about having “secret accounts” or withholding some money in an emergency get out quick fund — to me that seems like planning for failure. I’m all for honesty and openness: joint accounts, bills & budget handled by whomever is best at it, though both parties are involved.
I don’t care who controls the money, as long as s**t gets paid. If she made more money than me I’d probably have the expectation that she would step up and handle more of the financial responsibility. The way we do things are now kind of evolved from a time when she didn’t have a job, so I handled everything. But then when she found work she started stepping in piece-by-piece.
I like keeping a joint acct for bill purposes ONLY. My girl was horrible with money. She never seemed to understand priorities at all. So rather than pay a bill, she would go out buy shyt. Then when she was late on one of her bills she’d come ask me for the money a day (and in a few cases hours before) it was actually due or something was about to be cut off. I hated that. My parents told me that they always had their own money and a joint account. I figure as long as I pay the bills from our joint account, my girl doesn’t need to know how much I make.
I’m in pretty much the same position. My wife is a much better money manager, and to be honest I really sort of hate dealing with it all, so it ended up being an easy divide.
I’m an all or nothing type of person, so the way I see it — if we can share on creating life, we should be able share everything else. I’m talking about everything, finances included. If all of a sudden my wife decided that she needed her own account which i wasn’t privy to knowing what was in it — the divorce would be finalized by that afternoon.
Did anyone feel like handling the finances should be their job before their significant other “took it away” from them? Was it like a blow to your pride or something (even if they turned out to be better at it)?
Or did anyone ever end up “taking over” the job after finding out their partner wasn’t that great at it?
Early on in our relationship it did cause some tension, mainly due to my pride. When we first got married — she made considerably more money than me and I always felt awkward when ever I got money our of our joint account. Over time, that feeling went away due to her patience and me maturing.
I took over when I realized my ex wife was horribly irresponsible with money. Hell I’m still paying for her mistakes.
To be honest, neither of us is very good with money — but if I’m going to err, it’s going to be on the side of my wife telling me that my daughter needed that cute little coat as opposed to me trying to justify needing beer money and then later on in the week not having enough money to put gas in the car.
Joint accounts work best for us, but there is one problem — it’s impossible for me to buy her surprise gifts. Because she handles the accounts, she always knows when I’ve been shopping or when I try to get large amounts of cash out. I finally reached the point where I opened a second account that I send a small amount per paycheck to for gifts for her — and she doesn’t mind at all 
One of the things you learn real quick when you go through a divorce is that when the love is gone, the way you deal with money gets a LOT more cutthroat. All the money fights I had when I was married about who was bad with the bills and who’s name was on the accounts is NOTHING compared to what I deal with now. So if you’re in something good and you really love the person you’re with — sit down if you’re having tensions about the bills or the bank and work that shyt out.
It ain’t like you can take it with you.
But that’s just our opinion. What do you think?
Got a situation? Need a man’s opinion?
Email us at ohellnawl@gmail.com
Subject: Roundtable
@HexaCorde
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In the past I've always paid a large percentage to my other half for bills, groceries and such and the rest is my money for beer, smokes and whatever other weaknesses I need to satisfy (*cough* video games *cough*)
I freely admit I suck at managing large sums of money, so that works for me. I don't have any male hangups about my other half managing the bulk of our cash.
amen.
Most times I'm like… Hey, baby… these are the new games im buying in 2013 and here is thebudget for them.
her: is every game on this list necessary? Blacks ops AND Halo AND battlefield?
Me: but bsmuv and all the other guys are gonna be playing!! ALL the cool kids are gonna play and I wanna play tooooOOooOoooooo!!!!
her: Fiiiiiiiiiiiiine.
Me: Yaaaaaaaaaaay
sounds awfully familiar…
lol I never end up getting every game on that list because eventually I see that realistically I do OT have the time to play them all. I may buy 3 NEW games a year.. it's all my schedule will permit.
I have unopened games from 2010..2011. Wanna has unopened games from beyond that…. her azz has unplayed playstattion 2 games
Did you get Borderlands 2? If you're on Xbox live I'll need to hit you up for your gamertag when I move to the US next month.
we are GONNA get borderlands 2. we were about to get it but instead went with guild wars 2 for the pc. we'll probably pick it up by christmas. Good luck on the move.
My gamer friends who have it speak really nicely about the level of insanity. I am really envious.
I laughed so damn hard at this…gave me a flashback to the ex-hubs (who had every sports-related video game ever, that fool would forego his portion of the liquor budget to buy a new game…HIS portion, I don't give a damn about Madden, but I always ended up sharing the booze with him cause I'm nice and stuff lol).
You realize that if you get those games, there are no new Legos or figurines tho? Lol
I KNOW right…… and y'all know how much i love my legos n ish…. and my toy I mean.. action figures….
but if anyone asks, I'll tell the story differently….. the story i tell the fellaz will be: Pssssssh… yeah im getting black ops2, fool…. yeah… did I ask? Man i aint got to ask… I'm a grown azz man……..oh you had to ask? ok i did to then.
Mmm-hmm…
[youtube 5LGEiIL1__s http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5LGEiIL1__s youtube]
And I said *looks around 3 times & pantomimes*, "Byt…….."
Look, man, I'll be damned if she gets to control the pussy AND the money. What the f**k is left?
lol why does it have to be about anyone CONTROLLING anything. WHy does the relationship HAVE to be about a power play?
don't we get enough of that outSIDE the home? WHy bring it in?
if you are bad with money and your spouse is not… logic would dictate that other person should handle it
speaking from a different perspective
say someone like me who controls every damn thing in life cause I'm a single mother…
this would be hard to "give up" regardless of facts and examples
if most of your adult life you have had control and have done it all on your own it is much easier said than done to just let someone else handle that…
maybe that is where the "control" thing comes in..
I could be way off though *shrugs*
It's probably cliché, but a relationship is one part romantic, two parts partnership. To me, it's not so much about anyone giving up control, but more on communication and knowing one's strengths.
One of the reasons relationships/marriages fail is due to finances/lack of discussion on financial goals. If you're talking with the other person in the relationship, then there should be a goal of coming to an understanding on who will take the lead on dealing with the budget. That's especially crucial if you have a joint bank account so you're not both out spending money and not having an idea of how much is in the account.
I'm a demon with a spreadsheet and a project manager by profession, so in my relationship (Madfall is my fiancé), I'm the budget-owner and he's fine with that because we've talked about it and realize it makes the most sense. (Obligatory YMMV disclaimer.)
The best thing anyone can do for themselves and their relationship, is to get over themselves.
easier said than done. but still.
People not being able to get over themselves and their own stubborness and immaturity is the number one killer of relationships.
truuuust me… I know. I grew UP as a witness to a terrible marriage and early on I nearly destroyed my own due to stubborn, pride, ego and immaturity.
I eventually learned to get over myself and I am STILL actively learning to do so.
It's hard as hell to look in the mirror and tell yourself you are on that boolshyt, but when you do? everything works out so much damn better for everyone involved.
Nothing worse than someone being immature and stubborn, KNOWING they are, and still sticking to their guns due to pride.
HOW does one get over themselves? Man… everyone is different. For me it was about always asking myself: "Did that make sense? Why or why not." if i couldn't even convince myself it wasn;t boolshyt, why would I expect my wife or anyone else to just accept it…
Exactly. If you're in a relationship/marriage, isn't it about working together? Being partners? Less control & more about working with each other's strengths…
What the **** is left?
The big piece of chicken.
Lmao!
And the big piece of chicken is mine, because I have the faster hands!
I love that I get to be the fun one.
!!!!
tell my mama an' 'nem i love 'em! *cackles uncontrollably*
Long time reader, first time commenter.
My husband controls the money, in the sense that I have a separate spending account to buy things, but my name is not on the main bills nor savings accounts (I have a spending problem). But, even as far as daily spending, I still have equal control over when we buy big ticket items, I make the lists (but he shops since I compulsively spend), and when I want/need money, I just let him know – without some argument or justifications because he keeps me informed of the current financial state and I can work well in a well-defined budget. But I don't trust myself with access to our savings because I really, really want to buy expensive things all of the time.
i wish money problems could be solved with ikity ackity oop…
I feel like the one who can add and subtract should take over, but not without insight from the other.
Like my parents, if we'd left everything up to my dad, we would have been homeless. And now that my mother is gone, I've taken over that place of managing his bills. He tried to fight with me in the beginning, but he can barely pay a cell phone bill on time (I've seen him try it, it lasted for about ONE month)
Well, when I was married, both ex husbands handled the bills (mortgage, utilities) and I handled my own needs and it worked fine for us…we didn't have a joint acct and we didn't know how much each other made…I mean, we kinda knew, but not exactly…And it worked for us…a lady once asked me how did we do it not knowing and like I told her, the day he comes and does my job, is the day he'll know how much I make…and yes, I had a stash..I also had annunity from my mother he knew nothing about and I'm glad he didn't…
[youtube 0HZ04FPK0S8 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0HZ04FPK0S8 youtube]
When I was married, we dumped our money in my checking account, but he was responsible for actually mailing out the checks/making the online payments (male ego, we both paid bills, but he "paid" the bills. *eyeroll* whatever, as long as they were paid–I never threw it in his face that I made more money). If we needed money for stuff, we both had debit cards, but we talked to each other about budget if a purchase was gonna run over $50 (we built fun money for each of us into our monthly budget). Never had any problems or fights about spending, we both liked to buy "stuff" and we both knew having the bills paid came before all the extra.
We cash our checks immediately and stuff the cash into the mattress. We like to fvck on top of our money with easy access to make it rain up in this byotch on demand! …waitress be wondering why those bills stuck together like that. It's magic byotches! Magic!
<img src="http://gifsoup.com/view4/1653408/katt-williams-wtf-o.gif">
*just points* ————->
And thus saith Folki, God of Aintshyt
We are thinking about finally doing a joint acct for the household (we both had debt to clean up). We've been trying to put together a budget and hope to start next year. We will keep our own accts and savings (and I have a side acct for saving ONLY that will be used to fun stuff like vacations or emergencies).
He's definitely better with math, but we are both good with paying the bills. If he wanted me to pay all the household stuff, I would. We both know what the other makes and has (with exception of savings and that's probably because we forgot about it).
We try to not have money be a factor in our marriage.
I grew up in a household where my father has no head for finance and even though everything was joint he doesn't touch anything. I never wanted to have that kind of responsibility in my relationship though. Currently I have a joint account with sig other but we each have separate checking accounts where a percentage of money is put for gifts and splurge items. I also put my royalty checks in there because we've decided that can be my splurge money as well. We are constantly talking about money, particularly not using our credit cards for items that cash could be used for. Not going to lie, that is the hardest part for me because I still haven't made the shift from the lifestyle I had growing up to the one I can provide for myself as an adult. He just asks that I pay them off at the end of the month.
When we first got married we tried the joint account thing EVEN THOUGH the two years we dated he costantly mismanaged his funds. WHY…because he was under the delusion that marriage would instanty make him the king of all he surveyed and it would make him a financial genius. *whomp whomp*
After seventeen years, several thousands in bounced check fees, two bankruptcies and a foreclosure I divorced his ass simply because he is a pocketbook pimp. I WANT a man who's as fiscally responsible as he is a freak.
Given my family's long tradition of getting with bum-ass partners (a tradition I am hell-bent on breaking), I haven't seen where two partners = two incomes to carry the load. More like Bum Ass Partner Spends Their Money AND The Partner's Dough. So excuse me while I take notes.
That not telling a spouse what you make thing is so much boolshyt to me in MY world. If you can't honestly tell your spouse what you make, you picked the wrong damn spouse. it aint just them, it;s YOU for picking their azz. If you can't be honest with them in something so small as how much you make? break it off. Because either you or them are people who shouldn't be in a relationship. that's just my opinion.
If it works for you so be it.
I ain't neverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr seen it happen though.
oh.. if it's just your live in, dack or vagina, bunk that…they don't need to know ish. But husband or wife? c'mon. Don't be mad when that other person decides you aren't worthy to know xyz aspect of their life either.
You can't tell them how much you make? You can't tell them everything? Fine.. they can't tell you ish either.
and what kind of relationship is that.