Sports n Ish with Lurk

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Author’s Note: I’m only finna talk about two games this week. Actually, I’m only finna talk about one game this week. It was that or catch a case. You’ll understand as you read on.
(Oh, and I mention a prominent philosopher at the end. So, you get to learn something too. See that? Bonus stuff!)




So, two teams turned in all-time stinkers last Sunday night.
One franchise has appeared in eight (!!) Super Bowls and has won six (!!) of them.
One franchise last won an NFL Championship (what they used to call the Super Bowl back when the earth cooled) in 1964, before the Beatles became bigger than Jesus.
They have met 88 times, these two franchises; one of them, the one that frequently visits the Super Bowl, has won 56 of those contests.
Thus, when these two teams met on Sunday, it was not terribly surprising to find that one of them managed eight (8) turnovers (!!) in the game before losing.

What is surprising is that the team that kept giving the ball away was allegedly coached by Mike Tomlin.
Ladies and gentlemen, your 2012 Pittsburgh Steelers.

But the Steelers ain’t who I’m mad at.









That’d be the San Diego Chargers.

There’s only one thing that’d make me happy with the Chargers now, and that would be a sell-out crowd in San Diego, a fly-over by our latest billion-dollar Imperial Star Destroyer, the national anthem sung by a handicapped kid who got nervous and forgot the words but got an assist from honorary team captain LaDainian Tomlinson, and then, just before kickoff, Vince McMahon’s music suddenly blaring through the stadium speakers.



(MY GOD! IS THAT MR. MCMAHON’S MUSIC? I THOUGHT HE WAS BANNED FROM WHATEVER THE HELL THIS STADIUM IS NAMED! MY GOD! SOMEBODY’S AZZ IS GETTING FIRED IN SAN DIEGO TONITE! MY GOD!)*

And then Vince McMahon comes out, fires General Mis-Manager A.J. Smith, first verbally, then with a flame-thrower, has Kane perform a Tombstone Piledriver on faux head coach and resident idiot Norv Turner, and puts The Game and The Rock in charge of the team for the foreseeable future. At the very least, the Chargers will be able to cut a decent promo from now on.

IF YA SSMMEELLLL…(editor’s note: doesn’t his wife pay attention to him when he’s writing? Dang…anyway, we cut most of the boolshyt out. Enjoy the rest of the article)

But what, you ask, has your humble scribe in such a dither about the Chargers? Why am I so lathered up about their latest misadventure?

Because nothing pizzes me off worse than bad football.

I get some bad teams. Some bad teams play hard and do everything right, but they just don’t have the same talent that the guys across the field have.

Bad football?

Possibly more inexcusable than Nicki Minaj’s wardrobe choices, but I digress. Some teams just don’t have the horses to run The Derby.

The Chargers, on the other hand, have straight wasted more All-Pro talent than most franchises will ever draft. Think about it: Drew Brees, LaDainian Tomlinson, Antonio Gates, Junior Seau, Vincent Jackson, Michael Turner, and Philip Rivers either used to play for this franchise or still do, and they STILL cain’t figure it out. Two of the greatest football mysteries in the history of the NFL have to be how a team with a running back who scored 30 touchdowns (the aforementioned LT) didn’t win everything known to man, and how a team that finished second in offense and second in defense (2010) did not even make the playoffs. Both of these dubious achievements come with a lightning bolt helmet. But that ain’t what’s got me honked off.

What’s got me honked off is 4:20.

Four minutes and twenty seconds.

The Chargers were leading the Baltimore Ravens by ten (!!) points with Four Minutes And Twenty Seconds Remaining In The Game…and lost in overtime.

Ohhhh, but that ain’t what’s got me chewing on my beer can as I write this.

No, it’s the fact that, okay, the Ravens scored what should have been a meaningless touchdown before the Chargers should have killed the clock and snuck away with a hard-earned victory…except that the Chargers turn around and give the ball right the hale back to the Ravens.

Ohhhh, but that ain’t what’s about to get me divorced after my wife cuts my head off.

No, it’s the fact that the Chargers, with less than Two Minutes Remaining In the Game, had the Ravens at Fourth and 29.

This means that the Ravens had to traverse 29 yards (basically, a third of the friggin’ field) to get a first down or the game was over. Finally, blessedly, over. So, what happened?

In order: Ravens’ QB Joe Flacco, under much duress, dumps a screen pass to safety valve Ray Rice, who is standing AT the line of scrimmage, some 29 yards away from free territory.

Cue “Yakkety Sax.”

While the clearly bewildered Chargers run aimlessly about like Monty Python’s infamous “100 Meter Dash For People With No Sense of Direction,” Rice somehow manages to outrun the EIGHT MEN BETWEEN HIM AND THE YARD MARKER for the first down.

Ravens field goal to tie. Overtime. Ravens field goal to win.

Ballgame.

You can’t make this stuff up.

The Chargers were up by 10 with 4:20 left in the game and later had the Ravens at 4th and 29…and still managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

Any atheist wants to trip a Christian right tha fugg up, drop this question on him: “How is it that neither A.J. Smith nor Norv Turner needed WitSec to sneak out of town after that debacle? WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?”

Aaaaaand I’m OUT like the NHL All-Star Game…

*Yes, I stole this riff…well, “steal” is such an ugly word. Consider Pachelbel’s “Canon in D;” does anyone call it “stealing” when that particular chord progression shows up in virtually every pop song in the iTunes collection of hominis Americanus ignoramus? None other than Roland Barthes decried the idea of authorship in any sense of the word, that once something is said or written it becomes subject to the interpretations and reinterpretations of the persons reading or listening, who are then free to construct a reality about the utterance as they see fit. So, ahh, no. I didn’t steal it. And I don’t care where you might have seen something like this before. I didn’t steal it.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

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  • cyndilyn71

    Hey there Lurk, I have a question. Do you cover college ball at all? If so, did you see the Iron Bowl (Auburn VS Alabama) game this weekend? Auburn was literally trounced 49-0! I danced around the house yelling, "Roll Tide, R-O-L-L! ! ! Your thoughts?

  • originalwharris

    *Happy Ravens fan*

  • cyndilyn71

    LOL

  • AKADRFUNK

    Anquan Boldin…with his Terminator-like destruction of TWO Chargers at the end of that play. Sweet.
    Yeah…the end of the 2012 NFL season might set a record for coach beheadings.It starts in San Diego. I don't think there's enough broadcast booth jobs out there to absorb the coming carnage.

    • ToodySaysHey

      san diego
      carolina
      philadelphia
      buffalo
      Dallas

      its gonna be head coaching musical chairs this offseason.

      • Damelo Suave

        And yet most of them will end up on another team…instead of coordinators where they might be useful

        • The Lurkasaurus Rex

          I'm not entirely sure I agree with you on that one, and I'll tell you why.

          Some assistant coaches/coordinators go on to become great coaches in their own right…and sometimes good coaches fail because, well, they are human. Maybe they need to be given another chance (except, of course, for Norv "The Idiot" Turner…), something that the instant-gratification age seems to have forgotten.

          NFL legend Paul Brown, besides basically inventing the modern NFL, also had these guys as assistant coaches: Blanton Collier, Don Shula, Bud Grant, Weeb Ewbanks, and Chuck Noll. Except for Collier, I'm guessing you've heard of the other four. All of them didn't win right away, but win they did and big. How many of them would have lasted in the Twitter age?

          If you look at Sid Gillman's coaching tree, his assistants included Noll, Al Davis, Chuck Knox, Dick Vermeil, George Allen, and Don Coryell. Again, would Dick Vermeil have been given another chance if his Philly flameout had gone viral?

          Besides holding every position in professional football that a man can hold, all Al Davis did was give the world John Madden, Tom Flores, and Bill Walsh.

          Then there are the failures:

          This guy posted four losing records out of five, making the playoffs once before getting the boot with a 5-11 record…the exact same record he posted the very next year with his new team, who had to be thankful they did not pull the trigger on him after that debacle, because the coach in question is Bill Belichick. He stunk the joint out in Cleveland, but he hasn't done too badly in New England.

          This other fella went 8-24 in his first two seasons before it all turned around for him in 1981. That'd be Bill Walsh.

          To me, it ain't always the coach's fault (except anything involving Norv "The Idiot" Turner wearing the big boy pants…that guy is dumb as a bag of hammers). Sometimes, the coach is stuck with an idiot owner, an idiot GM, or bloated contracts for veterans past their prime.

          It wouldn't surprise me a bit to see Jason Garrett and Andy Reid (yeah, I said it, him too) have success elsewhere. Remember, Sean Payton (like Garrett) used to be a Cowboys assistant once upon a time…under Bill Parcells, methinks…

          And as far as former coaches being better coordinators, that is TRUE of Rod Marinelli (my beloved Bears) and FALSE of Mike Tice (also my beloved Bears). Marinelli has this defense chewing scrap iron and spitting nails, but Tice, a former O-lineman, can't figure out a blocking scheme that keeps his QB from getting killed? Seriously?

  • ToodySaysHey

    Man Lurk..imma need you to do a special edition to address the unadulterated fvckary and futility that is the 2012 Eagles.

    Im a giants fan so of course, Im loving their complete collapse and its made even sweeter since I live in the philly market.

    But man, for a team that folks was saying left and right was super bowl bound, the collapse is stunning.

    Also, interestingly enough, after ND beat USC, one pundit said that Georgia was actually a much worse matchup for the golden domers than 'bama..what say you?

I dunno what i'm putting here yet. It'll be something ignorant though.
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