Last year I told you that Santa Claus was bad for children. I said that he represented the image of the Rich,White man bestowing joy and prosperity. I said that his elves were just another example of exploitation of minority workers. I said that parents should rise up and shut Santa down. Say that he brought the socks and you bought the bike, take credit for your hard work.
Well, I’m back with a new Conspiracy Theory for Christmas.
Santa Claus is a Cocaine Kingpin! Yeah, I said it and I mean it and I have a whole lot of circumstantial evidence to back it up.
Santa runs an expensive operation in the “North Pole”, he has thousands of elves building toys and spying on you. He has to feed 9 immortal Reindeer and sustain himself on a diet of whole milk, Cookies and Peppermint Candy. But nowhere in any Christmas lore have I ever read about how Santa earns a profit and he’s not registered as a 501c3 (Non-Profit). Is Santa independently wealthy? More than likely and he got that way with snow, pure, white, snow at the North Pole.
Yes, Santa’s snow is really Cocaine. His Christmas Tree forest hides the Coca fields from the feds. And now that toys are mass produced by children in Asia he has a couple hundred elves order them off Amazon (2 Day Prime shipping for the win) and wrap them all year long. The thousands other elves harvest the Coca leaves and process them into Cocaine. Then they package it and use the magical sleigh to transport it to their connects in Mexico.
That’s only part of it, if Santa can see into your house to know if your child has been good or bad, then he can see into your house to see if you have love for the crack rock. He compiles this list for the cartels and the gangs. People can’t even enjoy a recreational line of cocaine anymore w/o Santa making a list and checking it twice. Santa’s ability to get in and out of your home undetected doesn’t help in these matters, sometimes he slips crack into your food, especially sweets. Also he encourages Christmas Wreath and Mistletoe sales at Christmas to subconsciously make people want to smoke pot and in 13 yrs that gateway just might lead to Cocaine. GENIUS
What Santa didn’t anticipate was his addicted Reindeer. He used to give them a couple lines on Christmas Eve to get through the night, but now they stay high all the time. At one time the sleigh was pulled by Christmas Magic and the Reindeer were for show, but now they are literally and figuratively “flying high”. They actually have normal names like Harold and George and Elizabeth, but after they started smoking crack or snorting lines they got new nicknames.
Lance aka Dasher – The drugs make him speedy and happy as hell. He’s like a Tasmanian Devil. I found a picture of him, he’s mixed.
Harold aka Dancer – He used to be a Soul Train dancer and he hears the music and dances to it in his head when he’s high.
Maude aka Prancer – She gets seriously paranoid. she starts tiptoeing like Pink Panther and hiding behind objects. She’s a big ass Reindeer though
Bianca aka Vixen – The crack makes her feel sexy and feisty. It’s funny cuz she looks like a mule in the face.
George aka Comet – He likes to shoot up his drugs for the best rush
Elizabeth aka Cupid – Ho, Ho, Ho, I’m just saying. She loves everybody when she’s high. She done loved all the Reindeer, the elves, Santa, Santa’s crew.
Craig aka Donner – That’s German for Thunder and he is an ANGRY addict, he will kick your ass if you touch his stash.
Kyle aka Blitzen – dude stays BLITZED. He’s the white Reindeer, he likes to Rock out and gets excitable when high.
Rudolph is Rudolph. His nose is red because he snorts the most and gets the most nose bleeds. The other Reindeer called him names and teased him because he was dating Cupid and didn’t realize she was a hoe. Santa was actually being a dick when he let Rudolph lead the sleigh because at the time he was fondling Cupid from his seat (eww), but I’m not gossiping or anything. Cupid and Rudolph, well Cupid and somebody, have a daughter named Olive. You know from the song “Olive, the other Reindeer, used to laugh and call him names”.
So when you leave Milk and Cookies for Santa on Monday night think about what you’re doing. You are supporting drug cartels and addicted Reindeer and obesity. Leave some carrots a bottle of water and the number to Interventions.
When not responding to the dictate:" Will the Defendant Please Rise.." CEO and Creator of OHN;Slaus, is a comic illustrator and Social Media whore who spends his free time building legos, playing video games, drawing fantasy characters and being abused by his wife, two sons and cat.