The year in Lurkin’ Azz Sports!

As always, these results are for entertainment purposes only…

January – The Pittsburgh Steelers Get Tebow’ed

The Denver Broncos were out of the AFC playoff picture when Fox reluctantly read the billboards and started playing God’s favorite quarterback. He knew that kid couldn’t get out of his own way, so he deliberately called plays that Tim Tebow couldn’t possibly run because, well, nothing says “football” like sabotaging your own team’s success for the sake of proving a point.

Except Tim Tebow kept right on winning. On January 8, the Broncos found themselves IN the playoffs and facing the Pittsburgh Steelers. The Steelers, like Fox, weren’t buying. The Steelers decided to put nine guys in the box and triple-dawg dared Tebow to throw long, into precise windows.

316 passing yards, two passing touchdowns, one rushing touchdown, and a rating of 125.5 later, Tim Tebow had Tebow’ed the Steelers 29-23.

So, after leading his team to the playoffs and a win over a superior AFC opponent, Tebow was unmercifully shipped off to the perpetual circus that is the New York Jets because he clearly can’t play.

February – The Argument At The Manning Family Thanksgiving Gathering Gets Decidedly Lopsided

Eli Manning is straight kryptonite to Tom Brady. Twice, the New York Football Giants have faced the New England Patriots in an All-Nor’easter Super Bowl. Twice, Eli Manning has led his team to victory.

Of greater importance, however, is the fact that Little Brother Eli is now 2-0 in the last football game of the season, while Large-Headed Peyton remains stuck on One More Than Dan Marino.

March – Remember, Remember, The 16th Of March

March 16 is the exact day your NCAA bracket went up in flames. That’s the day that TWO 15-seeds (Norfolk St. and Lehigh, respectively) excused TWO 2-seeds (Missouri and Duke, respectively) from any further basketball in 2012.

For the historically-minded, the 15-2 upset has occurred exactly six times in NCAA tournament history. It hadn’t happened since 2001 (Hampton over Iowa State), and it is the first time it happened TWICE in the same tournament on the same day.

And no, I’m not bitter at the way Fitty Friggin’ Dollars just walked out of my pocket. Not. Bitter. At. All.

April – Tiger Woods Did Not Win The Masters.

And no, it doesn’t matter who did because Tiger Woods.

May – The Chicago Cubs Make Damn Sure Not To Win The World Series

On May 1, 2012, the baseball season being not quite a month old, the standings in the National League Central stood as follows:

St. Louis 16-9
Cincinnati 12-12
Houston 11-14
Pittsburgh 11-14
Milwaukee 11-14
Chicago 9-16

For those keeping count of such things, the Cubs were not only last in a division which featured one team at .500 and three teams BELOW .500, but they weren’t even the worst team in baseball. Meanwhile, the wait for next year continues…

June – LeBron James.

drops the mic

July – Serena Williams C-Walks All Over Wimbledon

The thickest female athlete of all time put a Compton-style beatdown on the entire women’s field at Wimbledon for the one-two-three-fo-FI’F time (the 14th Grand Slam Championship of her illustrious career) and all the (white) talking heads could talk about was her li’l celebration after winning Big-Azz Gold Plate Number Five.

Far as I’m concerned, when you’ve been as good as she has as long as she has, and you had to put up with being left off Centre Court year after racist-azz year until they couldn’t stop you from playing there, welp, they lucky she didn’t make it clap after winning…cnlqwekrnG4N’QGNOIOVVASAEKL

(Editor’s Note: the author forgot he was still typing while imagining Serena Williams making it clap.)

August – Lance Armstrong CHEATED? No Way!

Whoever is in charge of international cycling said that Lance Armstrong cheated when he won all seven of his Tour de France championships and, full of righteous indignation, announced that they were stripping him of all of those falsely won titles.

It’s worth noting that they have simply left those years vacant, as actually awarding the title to whoever finished behind Lance all those years would mean awarding the title to…wait for it…yet another convicted bike cheater.

This is why I hate false righteous indignation. We know that err’body was cheating. Thus, Lance’s “cheating” was really “leveling the playing field.” All of them were on the same drugs and he was better. How is that cheating? Sooner or later, drugs or not, it’s all about one man, one mountain, and one bicycle, and NOBODY did it better than the Big Texan.

Plus, he whupped cancer’s azz.

September – The Washington Nationals Sit Stephen Strasburg

Stephen Strasburg was the best pitcher on the best team in baseball when the Nats shut him down for the remainder of the season. The argument in their favor was that Strasburg was coming off Tommy John surgery and that he was on a strict pitch count. The argument against them was that they were in the thick of a pennant race, and that shutting their ace down amounted to nothing less than treason.

My question is this: if you know your ace is going to be on a pitch count, and you suspect (as the Nats did) that your team is going to compete, why not delay the start of Strasburg’s season until July? Give him half a season of long-tossing and bullpen side sessions under someone’s watchful eye, and then unleash him on the National League after the All-Star Break without worrying about whethere you were going to run up against the pitch limit. If they’d waited until even June, they’d have had him available to pitch in October…just sayin’…

September Double-Bonus – The Fail Mary

There was NO WAY I wasn’t going to count this story, because it still has direct ramifications on the NFL playoffs right now.

To recap: replacement officials gave the Seattle Seahawks a win over the Green Bay Packers on a touchdown catch for the Seahawks that should rightly have been ruled an interception for the Packers.

But, I mean, it’s only one game, right?

Ask the San Francisco 49ers how important that game is…because if you take it away, it leaves the Niners a full game better than the Seahawks for the division championship. Assuming the one-game deficit, the Niners could have rested their important players in Week 17 because Seattle could not have overtaken them with a win.

Now? Now they HAVE to win to assure themselves the division title. It’s not like the task is out of reach (they are playing the Arizona Cardinals of the Dead in Week 17), but the Seahawks are playing the St. Louis Rams of the Dead on the same weekend…and what if, say, Frank Gore or Colin Kaepernick were to get hurt in the victory?

The NFL totally screwed the pooch on this one.

September Triple-Bonus – The NHL Lockout

No one, not Tom McVie, not Bill LaForge, no one has lost more NHL games than this idiot of a commissioner…and all because he didn’t read the fine print on the LAST gat dam time he had to shut a season down because the math allegedly wasn’t working. The man was an attorney before he started working in professional sports, so I’m guessing he was asleep during the “Contracts” portion of school…wow.

October – Miguel Cabrera: Triple Crown Winner

On October 3, Miguel Cabrera became the first Triple Crown Winner in all of baseball since 1967 (when a guy named Carl Yazstremski did it). As much as some people like to poop on his stats (oh, his blah-blah total would have finished fifth in 2011 and third in 2010 and yada friggin yada), this only points out how difficult it is for one man to lead his entire league in batting average, home runs, and runs batted in. In an age of specialization, slap-hitters like Ichiro Suzuki will always threaten the batting title, while bangers like Josh Hamilton will always threaten the home run title and/or the RBI title. Doing all three better than anyone else in one season is a rarity that deserves to be celebrated.

November – The Lakers Get It Wrong

Okay, so the Lakers fired Mike Brown. That’s not the error.

They did not re-hire Phil Jackson. That was the error.

I don’t care if Phil wanted to stay home on road trips of more than five games because of his hip. I don’t care if Phil Jackson wanted to be paid like Dwight Howard. The record is clear: during Kobe Bryant’s tenure, no other coach has ever lasted more than one season with The Black Mamba, and no other coach has won championships with the Mamba.

All the hiring of Mike D’Antoni did was drive Phil Jackson’s asking price UP when the Lakers come crawling back to him in a year…and they will crawl back to him.

December – Juan Manuel Marquez Knocks Manny Pacquio Out Of Everything

It’s still amazing to me how much one punch changed the entire landscape of boxing, but seeing Pac-Man laying face-down on the mat to a man not known to carry bricks in his gloves has done exactly that. That punch took ALL of the juice out of the never-will-happen-now fight with Floyd Mayweather, and further muddled the waters where contenders are concerned because, frankly, no one else has Pac-Man’s drawing power.

That’s all for this year, y’all…more after the calendar changes!

Apparently it is Beth's Job to get on Slaus's nerves.