It’s been a quiet couple of weeks at the Men’s Roundtable. Oh everyone’s still there, trading pics and talking shyt like we always do — but because there’s been a serious lack if any new letters or situations on the horizon for the gang to talk over and discuss — things have gotten pretty quiet down at headquarters.
That is, until the sun goes down and the phone starts to ring:
Hey Baby, it’s me.
Hey baby it’s me. I missed you so much.
Things are good. Just thinking about my big strong man, so I thought I’d call to say hello.
*whispering* Dude, shut up — he’s gonna hear.
Wait, is someone there with you?
Naaah baby, that’s just ..um, Blue Ivy. How was football practice?
Football is hard. So many things to remember. That’s why I like talking to you, everything’s so easy and natural.
Ayye you know it Papi, I’m always natural for you.
See now that that shyt I like to hear. Speaking of which, maybe tonight we finally take that next step and get on Skype?
Awww baby, you know I told you my Skype is broken.
Well yeah I know, but I was talking to one of the assistant coaches and he was saying that he never actually heard of Skype ever “breaking.” Like it either works or it doesn’t, you know?
Well I don’t know what to tell you, my.. my webcam doesn’t work right.
Uh-huh. Well I gotta tell you, it’s just sort of frustrating. I mean, we talk on the phone all the time and say all these things, but it’s like I never actually get to see you. I mean, I’m all alone and lonely here — how am I supposed to, you know — get through these cold winter nights?
Awww, is my big man needing some relief? Well, I don’t normally do this sort of thing — but how about if I maybe sent you a picture.
You know.. like a hot picture?
All right then, see this is what I’m talking about!
..Ok I sent it. Did you get it?
This is.. this is you?
What? You don’t like it? Honey I don’t just send those to everybody. That was a really intimate thing for me to do, a girl doesn’t like to hear her man sound unappreciative when she wants to make him feel all special and loved.
No, no.. it’s just — you know, you don’t look the way I was kinda expecting, that’s all.
Now don’t go posting that on the web or sharing it with any of your friends. That’s just for you and your private times, baby. Think of it just like I was there with you.
Hey, which one of ya’ll forwarded me this boolshyt!?
Wait, what was.. are you SURE no one’s there with you?
*VOICE MODULATION ON* I told you no one was here.
Ninja are you calling me a liar?
No, baby it’s just — well sometimes I just wonder where this relationship is headed. I mean, we say we’re in love, we talk on the phone until we fall asleep. You’re my.. you’re my everything.
Now we talked about this, baby. Football is your everything. Getting to the league, earning those checks… I mean, winning those championships. That’s all your queen needs to be happy.
Well yeah, you’ve said that and all — but like, I’ve got needs too. What about all that?
Oh now don’t start all that again. After all we’ve been through? I told you when you finish college and get in the league then we can talk about you sending me money so I can move closer to where your team is.
I know, I know.. it’s just frustrating to be the only guy on a national championship level football team who goes to bed alone every night.
Aww maaan, my phone battery is about to die. Hold on a second snookums, I need to plug in my charger.
OK papi, I’ll be waiting right here.
Oh hey guys, what’s going on? I didn’t know you were all here in the other room.
Yyyyeah, we’re all just.. hanging out. You know, talking about.. sports or whatever.
*cel phone echoes*
What.. what was that noise?
Holy hell you’re stupid.
Well, I guess you finally caught us. We’ve been pranking you man. Sorry about that, it was just some harmless fun, you know.
So.. so you’re saying that.. Wait a second, YOU’RE BEYONCE!?
Well, I guess in a way.. Wait, you know what? Eff all this. Here’s the real truth son. I’m the best thing that ever happened to you. I’ m the best thing any dude could have — his BOYS.
Because seriously man, you need a wake up call. It’s been months you’ve been talking to me thinking it’s some girl you’ve never even MET? And you’re saying you’re in love with this trick? How does that even work? Dude, you’ve got every reason to be mad at me in the world, but I’m telling you to go look in the mirror.
Seriously man. If we were all at a bar and you saw us talking to some gold-digger, you’d tell us to stop, wouldn’t you? I know no one wants to hear that their girl stinks, but sometimes you gotta trust that your friends have your best interests at heart.
You’re about to blow up in the NFL and everything, you think this is the only groupie out there ain’t got dollar signs in her eyes for a guy like you?
But it all seemed so real. The emotions, the feelings? I just wanted to meet someone special.
We’ve all met exciting and interesting people on the web, but there’s only so far something like that can truly go without real trust or contact. When something feels too good to be true, you gotta trust that instinct.
Now I think the best thing for us to do here is laugh this off as a harmless little prank and chalk it up to experience and lessons learned. Everybody’s cool with that, right?
How about you, Deadspin-tron?
What? Oh yeah, yeah.. sure.
I guess you’re right.
..so, can I maybe get back those dack pictures I sent you, or at least could you delete them?
But that’s just our opinion. What do you think?
Got a situation? Need a man’s opinion?
Clearly we need new letters, or Hex is gonna go do something like this again.
Email us at firstname.lastname@example.org - Subject: Roundtable