(The following information is for entertainment purposes only, you gambling degenerates.)
Lurk’s Super Bowl Pick: Niners 34, Ravens 21. (Bef note: You done lost yo mind Lurk! RAVENS!!!)
I think San Francisco’s offense is better than Baltimore’s defense. I do not think that Baltimore’s offense will be able to keep up. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not throwing dirt on Joe Flacco, nor am I disregarding the contributions of Messrs. Rice, Boldin, and Smith. I just do not believe that they will contribute as much as Colin Kaepernick and Messrs. Gore, Davis, Moss, and Crabtree will. The Niners provide some fairly outsized matchup problems for the Ravens’ defense in several key places: receiver, tight end, and quarterback. Peyton Manning proved that the Ravens can be thrown on, and they simply have no way to simulate the extra dimension that Kaepernick’s running ability brings to the game. Besides, even though every man wearing purple will be laying it all down for Ray-Ray, they just don’t have enough linebackers to defend against Vernon Davis AND Kaepernick’s slash-and-burn running game…and I haven’t even mentioned Frank Gore.
Let’s not forget that the Niners spotted the Atlanta Falcons 17 points before running them off their own field. Baltimore’s offense will not be good enough to hang 17 early points on San Francisco, and even if they do, they will not be good enough to match the inevitable Niner scoring binge. Let’s also not forget that the Niner defense pitched a second half shutout against the NFC’s number one seed, on the road.
Plus, if I’m going to be picky, Jim Harbaugh is the better coach and it’s not even close. He got a conference championship game out of Alex By God Smith last season, and all Smith had done up to that point in his career was get Mike Nolan and Mike Singletary fired.
Nope, if I were a betting man, I’d take the Niners to win, period (only suckers play the line).
IN OTHER NEWS:
Ohh, if I could just be a fly on the wall during the NBA All-Star Game.
There is so much drama goin’ on here, ya need a scorecard to sort it all out. Fortunately, ya boy Lurk gotcha covered.
There are basically two big angles here. The first is that the Boston Celtics and the Miami Heat genuinely dislike each other, and I mean in an old-school Detroit Piston/Chicago Bull way. Rondo and Wade might be the next big UFC pay-per-view (my money is on Wade…Chi represent!), and it took some real Celtic vitriol, courtesy of trash-talker emeritus Kevin Garnett, to turn LeBron into Hannibal Freakin’ Lecter last June. The fact is that Rondo and Garnett are about as likeable as old Celtics Jerry Sichting and Cornbread Maxwell, and don’t think for one second that Wade and James won’t take a moment to flash a little championship swag at ’em.
The other big angle is, of course, KG v. ‘Melo, the OTHER big UFC pay-per-view (my money is on KG…Chi represent again!) Y’all might recall something about Garnett saying something untoward about ‘Melo’s wife during a recent game, something so untoward that it merited a post-game bus visit from ‘Melo. Both of ’em say that they’ve moved on…but there ain’t no moving on from talking trash about another man’s wife. Ain’t no forgivin’, ain’t no forgettin’, ain’t no sunshine when it’s on (thanks, Earl).
Of course, that ignores the fact that the Eastern Conference reserves include Chicago’s Joakim Noah, and he hates Kevin Garnett with a passion that is almost holy. Those two tear into each other verbally and physically like werewolves wearing porkchop suits, and now they have to share a locker room?
See, Slaus, when you ain’t bein’ all morally corrupt n’ shyt, starting NSFW sites n’ shyt, got n!ggas clickin’ on slowneck videos n’ shyt, you could be hookin’ a brotha up with a media pass to the game n’ shyt…but I ain’t bitter. I ain’t bitter at all, even if you do eat poots and drink orphan tears for breakfast, ol’ nasty ashy bastid. Nawl, mang, I get it; YOUR pr0n is more important than MY journalistic integrity n’ shyt. And I was NOT crying when I wrote this. I wasn’t.
It’s just dusty over here.
IN OTHER NEWS:
Then, apparently, he had a moment of clarity. He had a dream.
In that dream, George Clooney and Derek Jeter came to him. George held him down while Jeter beat him about the face and neck with a Louisville Slugger. All the while, both of them yelled: “What’s WRONG with you?! She already broke you off for $110 million and ain’t swung nary a gat dam golf club! NOW you finna just sign The Whole Checkbook over? Azzhole, visit ya kids err two weeks, win some golf tournaments, bank some appearance money, AND STAY SINGLE! You can find TEN hoez look Just. Like. Elin and won’t NONE of ’em cost no $110 million to let you put the tip in! Market economics, n!gga! Market economics! Me and George kept it Real, kept it Single, and kept our MONEY! Learn something! LEARN SOMETHING!”
Then he woke up in a cold sweat and realized how close he’d been to doing something fairly precipitous…that, or he lurks on this site and read some of what y’all had to say about his impending get-back with Elin, because the following happened With. The. Quickness:
He speed-dialed Elin, told her to kiss his rusty black azz 350 million times, speed-dialed his kids’ ski instructor (former Olympian Lindsay Vonn) and asked her if she’d ever done a black diamond run before (see what I did there? See?) and BAM. New blonde girlfriend, great body, all his money is still in his pocket.
Before we put this Manti Te’O story to bed, I just need to mention an angle that I have only seen in one other place…and all of the following is pure speculation. No accusations are being made, and nothing is being insinuated or intimated or otherwise hinted at, unlike that other stuff about Slaus eating poots and drinking orphan tears.
However, this angle is SO compelling, it almost argues for itself. It’s pretty common knowledge that he knew something before it became public and that he chose to keep it Clinton (Bill, not George), which begs a question or two:
Why would a man lie about having a girlfriend?
Why would a LINEBACKER lie about having a girlfriend?
Why would a LINEBACKER AT THE MOST PRESTIGIOUS CATHOLIC UNIVERSITY IN AMERICA lie about having a girlfriend?
Maybe because lying about having a girlfriend would be easier than telling the truth about wanting (or having) a boyfriend.
Yeah, this story makes a lot more sense if Te’O is gay. In fact, it’s so perfect it practically defines Occam’s Razor.
Think about it. We all know that football might be the most homophobic sport among the athletes who play it. If, in fact, a football player is gay (and it says so right here that more than one is gay), he already knows to keep his mouth shut and his private life Extremely Private. If that’s how Te’O swings, a digital girlfriend who died is more than perfect. He never had to actually “see” her. There was no one for a nosy reporter to run down and investigate. There would be no awkward and fake PDA. He could deny the amorous advances of football-mad groupies and it would not look suspicious; quite the contrary, it’d make him look like the kind of do-right man most heterosexual women want.
As this is being written, he’s still playing the “I was a victim of a horrendous prank” card. The problem with this card is that it makes him look incredibly stupid or incredibly vile, because the former suggests that he isn’t bright enough to actually check to see if the person he’s dating is real, and the latter suggests that he is manipulative at a sociopathic level, and both of them are straight killing his NFL draft stock.
If he comes out, he’s the gay Jackie Robinson. He easily becomes the most polarizing figure in NFL history, period. This story gets bigger than the NFL, bigger even than sports itself. We might see players refuse to suit up with him. We might see players refuse to play against him. Oh, I don’t doubt a bit of it because football players are not noted for their intelligence (see: Nate Newton). The ratchetness in and around the game would become epic.
Again, I’m not saying that he is gay; I’m saying that it would explain everything if he were.
Aaaaand I’m OUT like…well, not like that…but I’m OUT like Rampage Jackson
*Editor’s Note: Lurk wrote this BEFORE Rajon Rondo tore his ACL and is now out for the season.