They say trust is earned. That two people need to reach a level of being secure in knowing that the other person is there for them. But once you feel you have that trust — how do you exercise it? If you’re in love with someone and they travel abroad or even go out for one night of fun with their friends, is it trust that lets you feel OK about it?
For most of us, trust is a decision. An evaluation of statements and feelings. How do I feel about the situation I’m in, given the evidence I have? A man might say something, but is that really what he means?
And if I can’t trust what you’re saying to me — then should I even try to trust in anything else?
I have a question for your men’s round table…. What EXACTLY does it mean when a man says “I don’t know what I want?”
I’m not a foolish woman (at least I don’t perceive myself to be, but am doubting it as in write this) However, I am faced with the most non-specific comment I’ve ever heard as I face the demise of a four year relationship, and it’s making me crazy. I think I was just handed a creative version of “it’s not you, it’s me…”
My boyfriend leaves the country every few months to surf in Central America. While there in the past, he hooked up with other women. When I discovered the truth, I shut him out. After several months of him literally begging me for a second chance to have a “normal” relationship, I gave in.
Despite the betrayal, I never questioned or spied…I just took it at face value that he wanted to be back with me.
But after that things were rough. He was always jealous of other men in my life and we argued often about them — and after what I felt was another rift forming between us I asked him if he felt we needed to break it off. His reply was “I don’t know what I want”.
As a woman, I heard “I want to be free to surf and chase tiger women” — But he insists his life is just a mess and he needs to “figure it out.” wtf?
You should note that since he said this to me, he has been unable to follow through with any further explanations, because I’m kinda sick of this. He calls (I don’t answer), texts (without reply from me), and posts on my fb. Basically I took his answer at face value and turned my back on him, and yet He still seems to be struggling with his own words.
My suspicion is that one of his other “prospects” has fallen through and “second choice me” has become appealing again — which makes me feel like more of a fool for taking him back the first time around. So basically, I want to know if “I don’t know what I want” is some sort of guy code for “I want anyone but you”. And, absolutely, it’s for closure so I don’t make the same dumb mistake again.
Because as tough as I want say I am, I feel like he might eventually wear me down with his constant barrage of “I love you’s” and “I was confused”. I tell myself he chose against me and it failed…so he’s back to me again, but
Like a Gloria Gaynor song I want affirmation, but I don’t think he’s giving me a straight answer.
What’s he really saying?
– Blue Crush
We put this question to the OHN men’s roundtable and opened the floor to discussion. Guys from all over the country weighed in with their opinions, and some even offered advice from similar experiences. Here are some of the highlights:
She needs to run. Anytime I’ve said “I don’t know what I want” — I knew exactly what I wanted. I wanted to fuck and see other women, yet keep a certain someone in my pocket without being questioned.
If it werent for his cheating past i would say give him time. He may be second guessing his ability with regards to a long term future, not sure if 1 person for rest of his life is what he really wants — but since he has cheated in the past and has said this, yeah girl…RUN FOREST…RUUUUUUUN! Tell him “Don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!” and be done with him.
“I don’t know what I want” means he hasn’t decided which woman to choose to stay with and which to cut loose. He’s leaving his options open. He’s commitment phobic about a lot of things other than just women if he goes surfing in Central America every few months then overcompensates with the jealousy of other men in her life.
It means he wants to have his cake and eat it too, like all men. He wants to be with you. He also wants to fly off and fuck around occasionally. And I think — if he’s a good man — you should let him have that. You obviously want to be with him, otherwise you wouldn’t be writing this letter. I mean, (as long as he’s safe) is it really taking anything away from you if he fucks someone else? As my mother used to say, “You can’t miss what you can’t measure.”
Yeah, she likes him for something if she’s asking for the meaning of the statement. She probably already has an inkling of the truth but wants confirmation since women will tell you everything is fine when everything is wrong. She’s doing a cost/benefit analysis of this guy so maybe she thinks he may be worth the short term hassle if she gets him in the end.
I’d also like to add that if you’re going to a whole ‘nother continent to do your dirt and still can’t keep it on the low, then you’re just a dumbfuck.
The women in Central America don’t think like women in United States or ask these types of relationship questions, so he probably likes it better down there. And if you are not in committed relationship this woman should expect that he is having sex in Costa Rica when he goes.
But that’s just my point — I think she DOES expect him to mess around while he’s there and (on some level) she’s willing to accept that. She came as close to saying that as she could without feeling like she’s playing herself. “Despite the betrayal, I never questioned or spied.” Translation — As long as he leaves Central America in Central America, I’m willing bet she’d leave it there too. If he had the sense/tact to just get his side pussy and let it go, there would be no issue here.
Yeah, she didn’t hack his email or check his phone to see if he was still in contact with anybody from there. She’s OK with it as long as it stays there but if it comes up here she’s through. Dude probably posted photos on FB and that brought up the conversation. What you want to bet he doesn’t see women in Cen Am as side pieces, he sees women in both places as those he dates with no commitment to either location — He likes cake here and pastelas there, two desserts that he doesn’t have to choose one or the other.
To me, it’s easy — This isn’t his decision to make, it’s hers. If she has closed the door on his sometimey butt, then she needs to leave it closed. If she lets him back in, she already knows what she’s getting: a man that is going to be bawlz deep in Central American cootchie for half the year. And he’s at the very least a hypocrite. If I can paraphrase from Johnny Taylor, he don’t need to be worryin’ about who’s makin’ love to his ol’ lady while he was out makin’ love.
See, this is why relationships should be built on monogamy. Period. Yeah, I’ve heard about “open” relationships and threesomes and other freaky arrangements, but the fact is that Those. Never. Last. Sooner or later, one party in the arrangement will want to lock up the franchise and the other one won’t and that’s all she wrote. A person CAN NOT have a relationship without trust and monogamy. If I can’t trust a woman not to walk down the street, trip, and fall on the next n!gga’s dack 57 times, I can’t have a relationship with her.
Totally untrue. There are people living all over the world who find their happily ever afters in unconventional relationships. You’re simply spouting what you’ve been trained to believe. “A person CAN NOT have a relationship without trust and monogamy?” Trust, sure. But monogamy is not a prerequisite to a good relationship. If YOU are a person who values monogamy highly, then monogamy will be a must in YOUR relationship. But there are people on planet earth to whom sex is just sex – both men and women. People have been trained to believe that there is only one way to love. The same mentality will have people telling you that homosexual relationships are doomed and can’t last. It’s crap. Different individuals have different values.
I think it says a lot that he presented it to her that he wanted a ‘normal’ relationship, when it seems that what he really wanted all along is her AND his tiger women both. But the simple fact is that if he’d said that from the get — she probably would have turned him down. For me, honesty is paramount, and if he can’t give you that – let him go. Yes, it was four years, and I bet she doesn’t wanna throw all that away, but hey — it happens. But above all that — his jealousy towards her is just dumb. It only makes her focus MORE on his infidelity.
She needs to leave this dude. Period.
Classic case of a woman not listening to what a man says. Heffa he said he don’t know what he want and it means exactly that. He don’t know what he want. It’s evident from his on again off again behavior. Past exploits and fuggary. Let’s also point out you are once again proving women don’t listen to themselves and those instincts. You know what’s going on — you said it yourself. You was secondary coochie. Coochie on deck. Next up at bat. If that is not the position you wish to play on his field — then leave the stadium. And don’t return no matter how many free turtle wax cases are being given away.
One of the interesting thoughts this situation raised in my mind was that old idea of “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.” Not that any kind of cheating is ever cool, but if this were an old novel, whatever happened in Central America would have been just that, something that happened “over there” (or at the convention, or while I was deployed overseas, or whatever) to be forgotten when you get back on the boat to come home — do you guys think that mindset is still there? That sort of “boys will be boys” attitude that makes women hate what they think happens at bachelor parties or roadtrips with the fellas? Or is that something that largely has gone the way of the dodo?
That mindset is and always will be there. I’ll tell you why, too — Women are nesters. They are genetically inclined to create and maintain a stable home environment. That’s why an indiscretion that happens somewhere else and IS LEFT somewhere else is easier for a woman to forgive or overlook. Aside from safety concerns (did he strap up?) it’s not a threat. The real betrayal comes when a man starts having a RELATIONSHIP on the side. That’s when your main chick has to start sharing resources (time, finances). That’s when you’re putting the nest at risk.
This woman has already decided that she can live with him getting the occasional piece of strange while he’s gone on his surfing trips, as long as it’s limited to just that.
He, on the other hand can’t read between the lines. He’s jealous now because he’s afraid she’s gonna fuck around just for the payback. When he says he doesn’t know what he wants, what he means is he wants it back the way it was before he got caught out there.
The basic answer to what ‘I don’t know what I want’ means is that we haven’t decided who we’re choosing yet so we’re going to try to fugg all y’all until the time comes. She is questioning male behavior and the interpretation of their words since women can say one thing and mean the opposite and she doesn’t understand male reasoning. There is no ulterior motive or double meaning in his statement, it is what it is. If he has been banging both chicks for the same amount of time in his mind there is no designation of who is main chick or side piece since he fucks both equally. If she doesn’t want to share she should leave. Thanks for playing Win Lose or Draw, your parting gift is a case of Rice A Roni.
Funny choice of words considering dude he knows eaxaaaaaaactly what he wants. He wants to fuck and frolic, pure and simple.
Any time a man say that, it’s because we have options. Women always have options too, but they tend to chose the best one for them early and for the most part are better at sticking with it. Men see options and have a field day like we are kids in a candy store. I know when I have said those exact words it was to buy time. This chick is probably a great option, but is lacking something that his other options possess. Like she may be pretty and nurturing, but the others get down in bed, etc. he may not know what he wants, but what he DOES want is to still play the field a little while longer.
Guy is in a foreign land surfing big waves, conquering like some hero in an old movie — of course he wants to celebrate that with some local flavor. To me the real question is why he isn’t bringing his main girl along with him. Like she wouldn’t want to go to Costa Rica and see her man conquer like a champion? The fact that this is some sort of side trip for him means the whole experience is probably some big adventure in his mind — and what’s a good action story without the hero getting the girl in the end?
But that’s just our opinion. What do you think?
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