hey… pssssh… hey… can you keep a secret? no? oh fvck it and listen up!
throughout my life i’ve seen the evolution of myself through the reflection of those who raised and inspired me. in different phases and aspects i can see them shine through like a radiant light. this is not good or bad. it just is.
so its no fvcking secret that i’ve been having issues here and there with self, work, and me relationship. that relationship deal has so many spokes and tenants that it is a jumbled mess of… well… stuff!
but i want to focus on me, not the relationship or her. this is about me.
my grandfather was one of the few males in a world that was full of females. he was quiet… well… not really. see he was only quiet around the ladies at home. away from them, he was full of jokes and humor. at home? reserved, still funny and happy but reserved and quiet.
i remember this one episode where my grandmother was just fvcking livid for some reason or another. my grandfather quietly removed himself and me out to the back porch. i remember him saying that when “they get like that, just let them fuss and when you can walk away. its best for everyone. just keep quiet.”
well… that’s not how it has worked for me in my life. the women in my life raised me to be the perfect spouse to sacrifice self for the benefit of the union.
but then the ex happened and woke me up. i realized that i had to be myself. totally myself. unashamed of the person i had evolved into. love me or leave me as i am!
i thought this would be the way to happiness.
so i thought…
i know find myself at a new juncture in my life. one where im not the creation of the women in my life (the ex took care of that) nor am i the direct in your face take it, love me, leave me, fvck it! i now find myself… quiet. muted. in short, my grandfather.
and i’m okay with it. maybe its too much to ask someone to accept the raw inner beast that is best left to hide within the cave of oneself waiting for prey.
or… this just may just be another phase of my life, but it is a phase necessary in order to preserve what is left of my relationship that i have not thrown out with the bath water. …but the relationship itself is for next week’s discussion “M.A.D.”
In the interim, what influences in your life do you see in your daily interactions? who shaped them? what do you wish you can change?