SSC: GrandpaFolk, Folk, and women

hey… pssssh… hey… can you keep a secret? no? oh fvck it and listen up!

throughout my life i’ve seen the evolution of myself through the reflection of those who raised and inspired me. in different phases and aspects i can see them shine through like a radiant light. this is not good or bad. it just is.

so its no fvcking secret that i’ve been having issues here and there with self, work, and me relationship. that relationship deal has so many spokes and tenants that it is a jumbled mess of… well… stuff!

but i want to focus on me, not the relationship or her. this is about me.

my grandfather was one of the few males in a world that was full of females. he was quiet… well… not really. see he was only quiet around the ladies at home. away from them, he was full of jokes and humor. at home? reserved, still funny and happy but reserved and quiet.

i remember this one episode where my grandmother was just fvcking livid for some reason or another. my grandfather quietly removed himself and me out to the back porch. i remember him saying that when “they get like that, just let them fuss and when you can walk away. its best for everyone. just keep quiet.”

well… that’s not how it has worked for me in my life. the women in my life raised me to be the perfect spouse to sacrifice self for the benefit of the union.

but then the ex happened and woke me up. i realized that i had to be myself. totally myself. unashamed of the person i had evolved into. love me or leave me as i am!

i thought this would be the way to happiness.

so i thought…

i know find myself at a new juncture in my life. one where im not the creation of the women in my life (the ex took care of that) nor am i the direct in your face take it, love me, leave me, fvck it! i now find myself… quiet. muted. in short, my grandfather.

and i’m okay with it. maybe its too much to ask someone to accept the raw inner beast that is best left to hide within the cave of oneself waiting for prey.

or… this just may just be another phase of my life, but it is a phase necessary in order to preserve what is left of my relationship that i have not thrown out with the bath water. …but the relationship itself is for next week’s discussion “M.A.D.”

In the interim, what influences in your life do you see in your daily interactions? who shaped them? what do you wish you can change?

Folk

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  • Jonesey

    Unfortunately, I have a lot of my father sometimes. I tend to be a bit volatile/short-fused. However, unlike him, I won’t dwell on anger for eternity, when it’s unjustified or useless, it usually passes as quick as it came. Then, there’s a lot of my mom in terms of constantly second-guessing whether I might be too loud, too dominant or “unpleasant” in certain situations because she tried to raise me to be a more… “agreeable” and “modest” and “girly” woman than I became. Conflictingly though, she is now rather proud of the successful, belligerent monster she helped create. Still, I have her voice shushing me in my head sometimes and I’m trying my hardest to silence that “shhhhhhh!!!” and replace it with my own judgement.
    The people I see most of in myself though are my grandparents. As most of my appearance, I get a lot of my character ambitions from my grandpa. He was just, generous and had quite the sense of what to say to lighten a situation, soothe someone in trouble and always took a rational approach to difficult situations. Up until the point where he was almost blind, totally deaf in one ear and nearly unable to speak after his 3rd stroke, nothing escaped him. People might have thought they got away with something or he didn’t notice but he always did. He was simply very selective about letting on and picking his fights. I strive to be like him and so far, I think I’m doing OK on that front.
    My grandma is another matter. She’s very sharp. She moves at lightning speed. Meaning – she is 88 this year and still walks faster than me sometimes. She may seem doddery sometimes but I’ve come to learn that’s mostly deliberate – she is the biggest calculator I’ve ever met. See, had she been born… say, in the 60s or 70s instead of the 20s, I’m convinced she’d have become either head of state or at least CEO of a MAJOR global player. She’s always been too smart for her village, too smart for the lowly jobs available for a country girl without an education and sometimes too smart for her own family. She can be mean as fugg when someone is moving too slow for her taste or is wasting her time. She won’t have it and she’ll let you know. With me, she lets that down because we understand eachother. When it’s just the two of us, she’ll suddenly become all cute and giggly and even sometimes teary when she talks about her youth and her crush on my grandpa and other girly stuff. However, as soon as a third party enters the room… WHOOSH iron visor down. Still, she will never turn down anyone in need of her help. She’ll give an arm and a leg to help you out… however, she WILL judge you in the back of her head for not being able to do it yourself. She is HARD. And that right there is a trait that most people who know me will be VERY familiar with… and one that I’m trying like hell to make amends to because while it is an immense rush to be the hard one, it makes you rather lonely. My grandpa on the other hand was every bit as smart as she was, he was just way, way more relaxed about it and that generally made him more likeable all-around. I mean, my grandma is popular and the village loves her for her energy, but you’ll never find anyone act on a whim around her. She makes you weigh your words and watch yourself, just by the way she looks at you. I know and everyone who knows her and me knows who inherited that (mom doesn’t have it, my uncles don’t and my cousins sure as ish don’t either) and has told me and sometimes. I want to get rid of it… but then again that special kind of vibe has helped me avoid a looot of stupid shit and stupid people in my life. I hate/love it.
    Fascinating thing, personalities…

I dunno what i'm putting here yet. It'll be something ignorant though.
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