Dear OHN, When it still hurts.

crying

Last week on Throwback Thursday I found myself completely fucked up over a picture that was posted on facebook by an ex of mine.  It was a photo of my ex and his girlfriend which was taken 10 years ago where they both look so utterly sultry and happy that the picture looks like it belongs on the cover of a most tawdry and amazing erotic movie or novel. Everyone loved the picture and talked about how amazing and happy the couple looked but what angered and hurt me so deeply is that the picture was taken a week after my ex came to me and told me he had a change of heart and that he couldn’t be with me any longer because he had fallen in love with someone else.

He told me this a week before we were to be married as a matter of fact.

Since then the two of them have gone to create a fairy-tale life with a fairy-tale romance and have a love that we should all be happy that two human beings can find. But the fact of the matter is that I never truly recovered from the hurt and embarrassment of losing the man I loved to another woman, having had to cancel a wedding and for everyone to look to me with such pity and sadness. Try as I may, I found myself feeling as if the woman in Eryka Badu’s “Bag lady” was a song written about me directly. I was never able to give my heart to a man as deeply as I should have for fear of being pushed to the side and disregarded again and I have never been truly happy since.  Then to see the two of them flaunting their “amazing” life for all to see, a life that should have been mine, makes me so angry and hurt that I now find myself so very angry at the fact I have not been able to move on. Matter of fact, I wouldn’t have even seen the photo if not for a mutual friend tagging me in her comment saying: “Wasn’t this taken a week after you ran out on XXX before the wedding? In bad taste XXXX”.  I wish she had kept me out of it and I wish i had known better than to go read the comments because the fact many of our old friends were giving positive comments about how happy they looked in the picture, only made me more irate because they KNEW what happened.

I need to get over it but I’ve sat here now for a week hurting as if it all just happened all over again.

I could use some advice from my OHN fam on the steps I need to take or what I need to do to “woman up” because that is what I need to do.

But it still hurts. Even after 10 years.

I guess I know what I will sing about this weekend for open mic night. :) Maybe I can channel this like Adele and Taylor Swift, right?

Help me out here, OHN.

It all feels like too much and that makes me feel so utterly pathetic.

fake_smile

Slaus
When not responding to the dictate:" Will the Defendant Please Rise.." CEO and Creator of OHN;Slaus, is a comic illustrator and Social Media whore who spends his free time building legos, playing video games, drawing fantasy characters and being abused by his wife, two sons and cat.

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  • JustSlaus

    Man… I know lots of people are gonna tell ol girl to build a bridge and get over it but…..damn. this isn’t some oh you got dumped and can’t let go shit. A week before the wedding????!!!!

    If dad paid for it all, i dunno how ol boy Is alive.

  • Beffa

    Wayment your so-called friend tagged you in that photo. First of all fuck that bitch. She is not a friend. That was foul on top of foul! She just brought up old wounds. Fuck that bitch. I hope she reads this.

    Secondly, sis you have to find a way to let this go. I can only imagine how painful that was to go through but it has been 10 years now. I think it is time to find peace with this and find happiness of your own.

    You are not pathetic either! This was a very hurtful thing to have gone through

    • CaraQ

      YES!!! That friend is shady as FUCK! WHY would you do that?!!!!!!

    • nosrednakal

      Fuck that bitch. Word.

  • AshMi313

    I don’t see why your friend tagged you in her comment. She could’ve made the comment with no mention of you, everyone would’ve known what she was referring to. I’m sure as your friend she knows how that would’ve affected you.

    You may want to consider therapy. Maybe talking to a professional who can give you ideas on how to move on will help and they aren’t judgmental or biased.

    • SY

      That was going to be my suggestion. A non biased 3rd party to speak to objectively. I know black folks don’t do therapy… but I find it helps more than people give it credit for

      • AshMi313

        Honestly I had to go to therapy this year after a break up. Dealing with work stress, school stress, home stress and then the break up. I truly was drowning and had to figure out someway to get out. It has helped to put some things in perspective.

        • Baegatha Christie

          I’m totally glad that you were able to get over that stigma. Kudos to you for doing what you needed to do to help yourself <3

          • AshMi313

            Thank you. Took me a while to accept I needed to go. I didn’t tell a lot of people I was going because of the stigma. Like my mom doesn’t know. I could only imagine what she’d say about it. I need to go back and have a talk with good old Phil. Lol. I haven’t been in a few weeks.

            • Mr. After Dark

              I am available for chats M-F and some saturday nights.

              • AshMi313

                Are you certified? ????

                • Mr. After Dark

                  Just a certified Phil and a great listener

                  • AshMi313

                    Someone who is willing to listen to me talk about myself… Hmmmm

        • SY

          I am still in therapy after my divorce which won’t be finalized until next month. My in laws and parents all thought I Was insane for SEEKING professional help, but I knew what I felt in my heart and it didn’t feel right… talking it out with the right people always helps

          • AshMi313

            I felt I needed that person who didn’t know me to listen. That person who could be sympathetic and not because they were family or friends. People don’t understand your struggle. And I’d rather go talk to a professional than have completely had a melt down which I was very close to.

          • Leo the Yardie Chick

            Man, why are people so resistant to therapy? >_< You say you're getting treatment, and they look at you as if you said you want your baby cousin for a sacrifice.

        • Beffa

          I had to go to therapy after the break up with the last guy I was serious with. I really did think I was going crazy.

          Add to that, that I’m a single mother and folks automatically think you are super strong. I couldn’t shake the feeling of failure. I went and got some help and thankfully my family was very supportive of that.

          I believe wholeheartedly in “professional friends”

          glad you did the right thing to take of you

          shit I’ve been thinking I need to go talk to my Dr. again…

          • AshMi313

            That is exactly how I was feeling. I’m always the strong one that everybody falls back on and I had no one who truly understood my pain. I had people telling me a week after the break up “you need to let go and get over it”. Needless to day haven’t spoken to that person in a while.

            Sorry the person I fell in love with and thought I would marry and I broke up and my pain is bringing down your day. ???? how dare I!

          • nosrednakal

            Girl, I feel you. Idk how ANYONE deals with a breakup! I’ve only had several serious relationships & each ending was devastating. Like 9 months or more of mourning smh

        • nosrednakal

          I did too & it helped

    • DameloSuave

      This was gonna be my suggestion – therapy…it’s definitely needed here. Also, your friend isn’t worth a $3 bill for that shady mess…you might wanna consider cutting her back.

  • Baegatha Christie

    I’m very sorry that you had to go through that pain. I won’t even pretend that I know how that feels so I give you an eHug.

    Secondly, your friend is a big ol’ bitch. I hope she reads this because…REAL FRIENDS DON’T DO SHIT LIKE THAT. Raggedy moon cricket heaux.

    Thirdly, I am not versed in this but I personally think that after 10 years, you may want to go see an actual therapist. The minority community has stigmatized seeing a shrink when it may actually be the best thing for you. Reach out, let all that hurt go.

    Fourthly (is this even a word? I didn’t get a red squiggly line so I assume it is lol)…that life that they have may not have been the life that you would have had. As much as it hurt to have to cancel a wedding the week before…better than filing for divorce a week after is all I’m saying.

    LASTLY, You can’t compare someone else’s reality to your “what may have been” ideology because that’s just not realistic…in ANY situation. I really hope you get over this and allow yourself to find love again. Namaste

    • Boo Radley

      MOON CRICKET?

  • MilaXX

    I say dumped the so called friend who tagged you in this. She ain’t a friend. That was some passive aggressive shade right there. Then get yourself into therapy so you can process and move on. You deserve better friends and lovers.

  • Unckle_Ruckus

    I was about to blast you for still having him in your Facebook feed, until I read how you were tagged by a third party. I guess in her snide way, she thought she was backing you by throwing shade in the comments. O-o…If anyone needs help, it’s her silly azz. With Friends like that, you’d be better off joining a terrorist organization. I wont toss you any unneeded pity, just some good karma. God knows I have enough to spare right now. Peace to you.

  • Baegatha Christie

    Oh. And…not saying this is what you should have done…and the statute of ability to do this may have expired in terms of it being a crime of passion but…you shoulda had a cousin or someone fade the shit outta him after the wedding was cancelled. That might have made you feel a little better for the moment lol

    But sometimes my petty leaks out so there’s that.

    • AshMi313

      Man I glad I do have some of the friends I do have cause I wouldn’t have had to ask. Wouldn’t have been a fair one had that been me.

      • Baegatha Christie

        Child, listen. Had that been me, my brother would have made it a fadeaversary LOL

    • Kay

      Fade on sight…no questions asked…none needed….

    • CaraQ

      Shit, not only that, but you pay what you owe! Meaning you pay for some of this ish that can’t be refunded!

      • AshMi313

        Some? Negro you called it off you paying for it ALL! Think you not if you want to…

  • imagination1919

    Some pain has no time limits, and some wounds don’t heal until you treat them. consider counseling / support groups / something – that lets you heal and be a complete person again.

    I agree with the other folks – that person isn’t a true friend. We have a term around my office – “P.A.B” (punk ass bitch) and she is truely a PAB!

  • Djodeci Unsanged

    You need to tag your friend in the jaw for you tagging you in that Disney Romance ass fairytail ass yall make me sick ass sick ass photo.

    That was hella reckless of them (yo “friend”). FB really is a cesspool if ignant motives and motif.

    I don’t think it’s anything wrong with going to talk to someone about how you feel, because you feel how you feel. Period. It’s hard to be happy for other people when you’re in pain.

    Love is a risk — a big risk when you give it your all– and you got burned, and I’m sorry that happened to you. I hope you find the strength to give love a chance again someday and in doing so you have it returned.

    • nosrednakal

      I think I love you “Disney Romance ass fairytail ass yall make me sick ass sick ass photo.” THANK YOU

  • Omelette!

    Well of course you’re feeling a little raw emotionally, that’s a sad story, it’s always going to make you feel a little pain but, already, not enough to get angry, go hire a tank, blow them into Kingdom come and reconcile yourself to full public vindication with a side order of a life in prison, so what to do? No need to do anything about the friend, just let her fade from your life with the radiant insincerity of her concern. Those events are your history, but they aren’t your destiny. You can still feel so find other things to feel about. Anger is probably a move in the right direction but don’t make it your route to bitterness, Miss Havisham is a warning not a role model. Find a professional therapist, examine your wounds and let them become what they really are; just old battle scars. Until then, play the sad songs, sing them if you will, but they’re not the only possibility for you.

    • Beffa

      Those events are your history, but they aren’t your destiny. You can still feel, so find other things to feel about. Anger is probably a move in the right direction but don’t make it your route to bitterness

      *waves church fan*

  • Kay

    Baby, let me just say this…..#1, seek therapy!! Nothing wrong with talking it out…..#2, drop that friend like a bad habit…that was some foul ass, rotten shit to tag you in that mess…..

  • laddibugg

    I don’t think the friend who tagged her meant to hurt her feelings BUT she is not someone you need in your life. Drama Queens create drama to entertain themselves, whoever is hurt in the fall out be damned.
    And I think a lot of us have that ex that occupies a little real estate in our minds… Sometimes it’s our first true love, other times it’s someone who you thought was your soul mate.

  • JustSlaus

    Listen to these people…. seek help. Bunk that black folk nonsense about not seeking mental health proffessionals. Do it. You aren’t suffering from pain, you are suffering traaaauma. You’ve been traumatized. The fact that you haven’t really been able to function again in a desired capacity over what happened is a sign of trauma. Not just pain. Get….help.

  • Zuly

    This is gonna sound really cheesy but you not only need to seek help, you also need to shift your mindset and your words. One of my friends is a huge self-help/self-improvement nut and she drives me CRAZY sometimes with her “that’s not empowering language” bullshit, but the concept has some merit.

    Reading your letter, I could tell that you were framing the whole situation from a place of hurt and victimhood. Saying that they are “flaunting their amazing life for all to see” is not helping you let go of your hurt and bitterness, it’s helping you hold on to it. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be hurt, but the way you SAY things really does affect the way you view them, and the way you deal with them.

    When I read about your situation, I think, “Wow! She really dodged a bullet!” You know why? Because he could have lied to you, let you go on believing he loved you, and married you all while living this fairytale life behind your back. It’s fucking HARD to do the right thing in these situations. Nobody wants to be seen as the “bad guy” and nobody wants that “left her at the altar” stigma attached to them. It’s much easier to lie and pretend. Even though it sounds awful, he did the honorable thing by letting you go and giving you the chance to find someone with whom you could form your own fairy tale. Maybe he waited too long, maybe he did it at a terrible time, and maybe he made many mistakes before doing that honorable thing, but he still did it.

    Don’t think about the life that could have been with him, because clearly he was not the one for you, and your life with him would not have been a fairy tale, it would’ve been a nightmare. I’ve been in a relationship where I knew for a fact that the person didn’t love me, and it was HELL. Absolute hell. The alternative that you’re yearning for is not as rosy as you think it is. Start framing things differently and see how that changes your perspective. You’ll be surprised at the results. Or maybe it won’t help at all, but it’s better to try and see than do nothing and stay disempowered.

    As for your FB “friend,” she’s clearly a dramamonger. Why would she bring up a situation that happened 10yrs ago and didn’t involve her? She wanted drama, and she didn’t consider your feelings at all. That is not a friend. Fuck that bitch. Defriend her immediately. (I’ll also point out if she was really that “mad” at him for doing you dirty she wouldn’t be friends with him on FB, so yeah, she was trying to incite.)

    • Beffa

      I love you!

    • originalwharris

      ALL OF THIS!

    • notconvincedgranny

      This. Right here. And don’t forget that living well is the best revenge. Get to work on your own fabulous life.

    • iamtmonie

      Gospel!

    • nosrednakal

      Brilliant.

  • hexacorde

    Not everyone looks at the world the same way — but it’s been my experience/observation that when some folks have what they feel is a clear vision of certain goals — whether it be things like “I’d really like to have kids before I’m such and such age” or “No matter what it takes, I’m going to find a way to be my own boss and never have to rely on someone else’s money or let other people’s pressures dominate my life again” and then those things DON’T happen, or alternately the path to those goals is filled with unexpected delays and roadblocks, it can be a really hard thing to deal with.

    Like people who struggle with their weight or quitting smoking, there’s something about the lack of “little victories” versus just how easy it is to slide back into bad habits that makes it tough to see things in a clear perspective.

    Events like your so-called friend tagging you into that memory might as well be getting caught at a party where the only available food is donuts, or going to the gym an feeling like you’re the only one in there who isn’t fully toned or musclebound. Avoiding situations like that might seem like the best path, but ask any alcoholic how easy it is to avoid places where there’s booze.

    So lets say you eat that donut, or stop going to the gym because it makes you feel insecure, or you get really depressed at the memories of what “could have been” for a past relationship when a tagged picture unexpectedly shows up — because THOSE THINGS ARE GOING TO HAPPEN.

    No one’s saying it doesn’t hurt. But you can’t blame that donut for making you eat it.

    I see you making really measured statements like: “Since then the two of them have gone to create a fairy-tale life with a fairy-tale romance and have a love that we should all be happy that two human beings can find. ” — Statements that show signs of true growth and understanding of the situation. Acceptance that *their* happiness isn’t the enemy, or that they shouldn’t be able to have their fairy-tale romance because it isn’t fair to you or whatever.

    Now your task (and it’s certainly not an easy one) is to apply that same viewpoint to your own life.

    Because as crappy as their behavior was at that moment, these two people didn’t steal your fairy-tale ending. They just found their own. They did it in a shitty way, and you got burned in the process — but that’s in the past.

    Congratulating them on finding their happiness is good. Feeling like they made the most out of a happiness that should have been yours is assuming that there is only one version of happiness available to you.

    And that’s really not how it works.

    Whether it’s talking to a professional or taking some time to really examine how you holding on to negative things and where that habit comes from (hint, do your parents/relatives also do this?) — finding a way to see things in a better perspective where you aren’t the victim/loser and the game is all the way over might just be a really constructive step towards being able to let this past hurt go and find the good things that are still out there in the world.

    • iamtmonie

      I should have just said, SEE ABOVE. Lol!

  • iamtmonie

    I feel for you. I really and truly do. I’m so sorry that this happened to you. Coming from a person that gave up their entire lives to marry someone that dumped me 9 months later, let me say this to you: he did what was best for him.

    He did not marry you. He told you the truth. It was his truth and he decided to take a chance and make himself happy, something we should all strive to do. And by all accounts, he did the right thing for him. He’s happy. But in the wake of doing what was necessary for his happiness, is you. You were the one that was hurt. But that doesn’t make his decision wrong.

    Your pain is legitimate. You should feel hurt by what happened. But he has the right to post whatever he likes to his FB page.

    That’s the truth.

    As for you, don’t apologize for your pain. The worst thing you can do is hide it. When you hide it, it extends the life of the pain. Cry. Scream. Be sad. Take the time to grieve. So what if it’s 10 or even 20 years from now. You went through some shyt. Be sad about it. But the key to proper grieving is confrontation of the absolute truth of the source of your pain and a resistance to wallow in victimhood.

    He did you wrong. True. He did right for himself. Also true. The life he lives now IS NOT THE LIFE HE WOULD HAVE HAD WITH YOU. Maybe it would have been better, who knows. You will never know. How much time are you wasting on wondering what could have been? Will you wondering about it change it at all? No ma’am. The time you need to spend on wondering about it is as long as it take to realize you shouldn’t be.

    Dude made a ballsy, gutsy move to cancel his wedding a week before. Somewhere deep down inside, you have to respect his decision and (gasp) be thankful for it. And move on.

    Moving on means counseling, prayer, meditation or whatever you feel the prescription is to aid your particular ailment. But when you go to counseling, you have to start with the absolute truth. You may as well begin by telling the truth to yourself, first.

  • BSmuv

    You know, I have read this post. And then I read it again. Then I came back and read it a third time and I just have too many questions floating around in my mind.

    I mean for this guy to come to you a week before the wedding and say ‘he had a change of heart’ leads me to believe he was put under pressure, enticed or straight up given an ultimatum to either marry me or kick rocks. I mean it sounds like to me that you were SO focused on having a wedding verses having a marriage that you missed a whole lot of red flags that this man didn’t want to to begin with as a wife.

    Maybe, just maybe you need to be hurt and pissed off with yourself because you lied to yourself because someone finally woke your ass up from that dream with a hammer. I’m just saying, maybe you need some therapy to help you to come to grips with your delusions and join the rest of humanity in reality.

    But hey I’m not a psychoanalyst, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

    http://i1192.photobucket.com/albums/aa321/bsmuv/Athens_GA_Hotel_zpsab2ea6a0.gif

    • iamtmonie

      “I mean for this guy to come to you a week before the wedding and say ‘he
      had a change of heart’ leads me to believe he was put under pressure,
      enticed or straight up given an ultimatum to either marry me or kick
      rocks.”

      What is it in what she said makes you think she gave him an ultimatum? He couldn’t have just told her the truth without her being aware of any outside activity? She couldn’t have been blindsided completely?

      Even people that go through with getting married ask themselves questions before the big day. You start to question EVERYTHING. Everything starts becoming a red flag. 70% of the time its just jitters. So if she did see something, she could have written it off to jitters.

      I don’t understand your tone.

      • BSmuv

        99% of you heffas lie to yourselves about not seeing a man for what he is when he reveals himself to you. You either tell yourself that he is just in a growing period and it just is a bad time or you tell yourself that you can change him. [Cause deep down you think for some reason YOUR ham wallet is gold plated and Trump tight *FOHWTBS*]

        First off I gotta give credit to the guy in this situation because he manned the fugg up before they got hitched and told her the truth about not wanting to marry her. Instead of marrying her and then cheating his ass off until he was ready to leave. So “hats off to you bruh” I wanna buy you a beer for being decent and standing up.

        Secondly, I don’t know a man alive that has made it up in his mind that he wants to marry a woman. Then goes out and picks out the ring. Then plans the right way to ask for the woman’s hand in marriage. Then goes all the way through the planning stages and gets to the home stretch and a week before says ‘I had a change of heart’. That statement right there leads me to believe, this was not a choice of his own volition to begin with. It sounds like he was given a choice you can have A or B but not both. You can continue to have this nappy dugout by marrying me or you can put an egg in your shoe and beat yo dyck along with it.

        You heffas is FAMOUS for giving DJangos ultimatums when shit is not happening on YOUR timeline. So umm yeah that’s where my TONE is stemming from.

        • AshMi313

          Sooooo how many chicks have you chucked the dueces to because of this? *just being nosy*

        • iamtmonie

          Allow me to kindly point out that your use of “YOU heffas” indicates to the reader that they are included in your generalizations, which is offensive.

          • BSmuv

            Only a kicked dog will holla. And by extension I bet you ten dollars to a bucket of mule shyt, at least one of you heffas swears I just called ya’ll bitches.

            • iamtmonie

              Continue to be classy, bruh.

        • JustSlaus

          A man really will show you how fugged up they can be with some early warning signs. Then again you can be truly taken by surprise by someone’s actions.

        • JustSlaus

          Lmaoooo B you know I love you my dude, but you know you have the WORST delivery ever in a blog convo. You just say the shyt how you want to say it and not for it to actually be heard. You have some solid points of logic every time but deliver it in a way that just makes folks shut down and not hear shyt. So you end up just saying ish but not being heard nor move the conversation how you want to.

          I know from experience. Had to ask: do I wanna fight or do I want to have a conversation. …

        • notconvincedgranny

          Baby, who pissed in your kool-aid, scorched your scrotum? Kudos to this guy for cheating ahead of time and calling it off late? I’m not mad at him for doing what he always wanted to do, but he could have done it a smidge sooner than he did.

          As for your “second,” you obviously don’t know many men. He obviously asked two women to marry him, and decided which one he would follow through with at the last minute. If a woman can make a man do something, odds are this would not be it. I refuse to believe all, or even most men, are this weak. Yes, weak because apparently honesty requires courage, a commodity with which dude doesn’t have a nodding relationship.

          An excuse is a lie trying to go legit; this guy didn’t even have an excuse good enough to carry the lame label. And for the sake of your blood pressure and general welfare, please address the source of your anger toward women in general. Just as men sense desperation, intelligent women can sense misogyny within a 5 mile radius, which explains why you may be surrounded by fools and assassins.

          • BSmuv

            I’m just gonna sit back and wait for my spokeswoman/ PR rep Chocl8t to come in and say the exact same thing I’m saying in the sugary cinn-a-bun buttery way you heffas need to hear it as usual.

            *sidenote* Misogynistic….. well if we can throw out the ‘women and children first’ and the ‘you go check out that strange noise coming from the basement in the middle of the night’ type guidelines, mayhaps we’ll be even. Until then, keep yah sammich making skills up and pass me a beer out the fridge.

            • notconvincedgranny

              You’re confusing understanding and agreement. I understand your point, and I don’t agree with your conclusions. But in the meantime, I guess a man can satisfy your needs and desires, since women – or in your common parlance, heffas – can’t cut the mustard. Why would you trust a woman with the knife used to make your sandwich?

        • ToodySezHey

          It’s obvious you have anger issues with women

          Bitter Barney for real

    • Beffa

      “I mean for this guy to come to you a week before the wedding and say he had a change of heart’ leads me to believe he was put under pressure, enticed or straight up given an ultimatum to either marry me or kick rocks.”

      But he’s still a bitch ass for agreeing to it and then backing out of it last minute.

      “I mean it sounds like to me that you were SO focused on having a wedding verses having a marriage that you missed a whole lot of red flags that this man didn’t want you to begin with as a wife”

      *sigh* I hate to even type this…that is an interesting and quite valid perspective.

      • JustSlaus

        Quite valid. Unless he was just a fuckass from the go. Still…. b has a point.

        • iamtmonie

          I could see his point if she gave ANY indication in her note that she was focused on the wedding and not the marriage. She said absolutely NOTHING to lead to that conclusion.

          • Beffa

            but lets be real here T.

            She’s extra broke down…at this point she’s not seeing straight and looking for a way to get over the hurt

            she’s nowhere near the point of admitting her own fault in this…

            hence why she said nothing of the sort in the letter.

            As much as I fight with B on every single thing he says…this point is very valid….

            • iamtmonie

              I analyze shyt all day so forgive me for delving too deep. I agree that she probably has some culpability in what happened. Its the statement “it sounds to me like” indicates she gave some sort of information to indicate that she was focused on the wedding only. But she didn’t. But ignore me. It’s not that big of a deal.

              • BSmuv

                I analyze shyt all day long for a living. I have to analyze what people say and what they don’t say. I have to look at information presented, present, and absent and then take into account human nature and make an educated guess on what is the truth of a situation.

                There is ALWAYS three sides to every story, this letter gives her perspective and her perspective only. It is full of emotional bells and like Pavlov’s dog you heffas is all in your feelings cause you empathizing/ sympathizing with this woman cause reasons. Maybe not willing to acknowledge his side and him being manipulated into marriage. Cause I mean woman have ALWAYS been on the up and up about not trapping a guy in marriage. It’s got to be his fault right, he has got to be the weak bytch in this store cause again.. reasons right.

                • iamtmonie

                  You OBVIOUSLY didn’t read my response. But you keep being classy.

                  • BSmuv

                    I did read it.
                    THIS:
                    “Its the statement “it sounds to me like” indicates she gave some sort of information to indicate that she was focused on the wedding only.”

                    NEGATES THIS:
                    “I agree that she probably has some culpability in what happened. ”

                    Because you are basically saying because she made no mention of pressuring him or giving him an ultimatum so that couldn’t be true.
                    I am saying based on human nature, ‘the absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence.’ -Gin Rummy

                    • iamtmonie

                      Sir, my point is this. Your response was harsh and full of assumptions. To be as harsh to say”

                      “you were SO focused on having a wedding verses having a marriage”
                      “maybe you need to be hurt and
                      pissed off with yourself because you lied to yourself because someone
                      finally woke your ass up from that dream with a hammer”

                      seems like you’d have some actual indication in the note that some of that was true. You made your assumptions based on what she didn’t say. Fine. I said she PROBABLY had some culpability in what happened. The difference between ‘yeah she probably did it’ and ‘its the bitches fault’ is tact, which you very often lack and therefore your point, which may be entirely valid, is lost. She wrote the letter and subjected herself to our input so you can say whatever you like, however you like.

                      And based on this: “you heffas is all in your feelings cause you empathizing/ sympathizing
                      with this woman cause reason…got to
                      be his fault right, he has got to be the weak bytch in this store”, you CLEARLY did not read my original response to the letter.

                      But whatever, dude.

    • AshMi313

      And then there’s the other side of the coin….

      • BSmuv

        What’s the other side of the coin? Or are you stating and there IS the other side to the coin as in from the Guy’s perspective? Or is there a third side we are talking about? Just curious……

        • AshMi313

          I meant your viewpoint/assessment of the situation…

          • BSmuv

            Gotcha ;)

    • Baegatha Christie

      You know…there are times when I think you’re tolerable. And other times when I want to stab you in the dick and eye with a rusty steak knife and pray you get tetanus and rabies and they have to cut your dick off.

      I’m not sure which of those time this is yet.

      • Beffa

        ummm Twink….you good sis?

        you went way left with this one LOL

        • Baegatha Christie

          Yeah lol. I just wanted him to know the extremes of where he takes me with his posts sometimes. Dick injury seems to be the only thing men understand LMAO.

          I can see where he’s coming from with his point…but it’s the wording that really irritates me and makes me want to go the opposite just because his wording is terrible

      • BSmuv

        Wow yo really rabies and fuggin tetanus with what I am assuming a side of lock jaw too huh.
        Got to the damn woman…..

        • Baegatha Christie

          Aye…sometimes. Just sometimes…you deserve it lol

    • DameloSuave

      B, didn’t we just talk about this? Didn’t we? Daggone fire starter …. Lol

    • wildwhuck

      *sigh* that delivery…But I do have a friend that was in a similar situation. She has a strong personality, him… not so much. Well she brow beat him about marriage (and truth be told he allowed her too) and he finally proposed. Fast forward 4 months before the wedding they break up. Me and other girlfriends talked to her previously about her tone and pushiness with him, but she didn’t believe fat meat was greasy.

      As it turns out that breakup was the best thing for her. Now she is a much better relationship with someone that won’t allow her to run all over him.

  • JustMe81

    Talk to someone who can help you come to the place where you can be ok with the realization that it wasn’t meant to be. I know it hurts like hell and that kind of pain never truly goes away, it just dulls over time. But put it back on the back burner, as hard as that may be, don’t let it live in the foreground of your mind. These kinds of triggers will happen from time to time and those old feelings of anger and hurt are valid (you are not pathetic for being human and having feelings!), but don’t let them rule you for more than a moment, be mad then be over it again. And tell your friend to never do that messy tagging shit again. *hugs*

  • wildwhuck

    A picture is not an indicator of happiness. Folk be lying and perpetrating on Facebook for likes and comments (see the video meme about this).

    I agree you need to seek help. 10 years is a long time to hold on to hurt. Regardless if he is truly happy or not, shouldn’t matter to you. YOUR happiness should be paramount. I would hate for you to miss out on happiness because you didn’t let go.

  • Keke

    I agree with everyone here. Please get some help. We all go through emotional hardships and need support. There is no shame in that. Second, ask yourself if you are hurting because you still love him after all this time, or the IDEA of him? Cuz in your mind he was this great guy…..who it seems to me was cheating way before that week. Cuz I just don’t randomly fall in love with mofos. I have to consciously make an effort to call them, spend time with them, etc. That shit is premeditated. That’s called DATING. Which you aren’t supposed to be doing if you’re engaged anyway. Even if he just decided that this wasn’t what he may have wanted, you may have dodged a huge bullet. And not everything you see on social media is truth. I’d venture to say that about 80% of it is bullshit. And last, sometimes the best revenge is letting go and being happy. You have given him so much power over you and who you are. Take that power back and live life to the fullest. Oh, and that “friend” of yours is a drama inciting heffa.

  • MirenB

    A heart felt shout out from what I’ve read… and I think many have already touched upon the subject that as bad as it is, it has been nearly a decade that has passed. This is a very long time to still dwell on the small details and linger on their meanings in relation to your world and how you precieve it today. You could have found a new man that brought all the joy and feelings of a healthy relationship by now and had about six volumes of pictures that could be used in a popular magazine…or not even a new relation, maybe a new career path — a hobby — a personal/spiritual pursuit.

    You sound smart and intelligent and by some of the references you give within your blog, it would also seem that you are a thinker. Madam you need to disconnect and find an alternative tier of friends to follow or perhaps just leave it all alone for a while. Take a vacation somewhere relaxing. Participate in life and leave the anchor wedged into the old ship that it came from — at the bottom of your soul’s sea. It’s understandable to claim that someone else had stolen a life you should have had but is that really the correct view? He was obviously involved with someone else so I think it would probably been a lot worse if he went through with such a marriage and have you locked into a sham marriage where nothing you thought it would be came to pass. As time passes you find that time is far to swift of an avenging instrument from God to dwell, this is if anything else, a test to see if you can inherit the slings and arrows of misfortune, only, not making your own hamlet-esque stage left exit…. but becoming a happy woman with her own aggressive pursuits and in time — the man and life you were destined to have.

    And… as fortune would have it… you are in control of how it goes in the end so I wish you luck but do indeed change the course because time is being wasted while they whom are the reason for this lost time aren’t even aware of it… their busy living theirs so why don’t you start living yours?

    Blessings to you.

  • nosrednakal

    Lose that “friend” as for the heartbreak, it only goes away when you’ve received the unconditional love and support of your family, friends (of course) & a new partner who knows your story and is willing to earn your trust. I know we’re told not to tell stories of our past relationships but if you’re being seriously courted that partner needs to know what they’re working with. If they come for your heart-let them. If they run, do the same. But please forgive yourself. You did nothing wrong. Love should always be given without expectation of a return on investment. So you did the right thing to love, and so did he by leaving you. The ensuing wedding would have been nice, but the life that “should have been” yours wouldn’t look anything like theirs. I speak from experience. Best wishes.

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