Last week on Throwback Thursday I found myself completely fucked up over a picture that was posted on facebook by an ex of mine. It was a photo of my ex and his girlfriend which was taken 10 years ago where they both look so utterly sultry and happy that the picture looks like it belongs on the cover of a most tawdry and amazing erotic movie or novel. Everyone loved the picture and talked about how amazing and happy the couple looked but what angered and hurt me so deeply is that the picture was taken a week after my ex came to me and told me he had a change of heart and that he couldn’t be with me any longer because he had fallen in love with someone else.
He told me this a week before we were to be married as a matter of fact.
Since then the two of them have gone to create a fairy-tale life with a fairy-tale romance and have a love that we should all be happy that two human beings can find. But the fact of the matter is that I never truly recovered from the hurt and embarrassment of losing the man I loved to another woman, having had to cancel a wedding and for everyone to look to me with such pity and sadness. Try as I may, I found myself feeling as if the woman in Eryka Badu’s “Bag lady” was a song written about me directly. I was never able to give my heart to a man as deeply as I should have for fear of being pushed to the side and disregarded again and I have never been truly happy since. Then to see the two of them flaunting their “amazing” life for all to see, a life that should have been mine, makes me so angry and hurt that I now find myself so very angry at the fact I have not been able to move on. Matter of fact, I wouldn’t have even seen the photo if not for a mutual friend tagging me in her comment saying: “Wasn’t this taken a week after you ran out on XXX before the wedding? In bad taste XXXX”. I wish she had kept me out of it and I wish i had known better than to go read the comments because the fact many of our old friends were giving positive comments about how happy they looked in the picture, only made me more irate because they KNEW what happened.
I need to get over it but I’ve sat here now for a week hurting as if it all just happened all over again.
I could use some advice from my OHN fam on the steps I need to take or what I need to do to “woman up” because that is what I need to do.
But it still hurts. Even after 10 years.
I guess I know what I will sing about this weekend for open mic night. Maybe I can channel this like Adele and Taylor Swift, right?
Help me out here, OHN.
It all feels like too much and that makes me feel so utterly pathetic.