They glued ass glued pubes on their FRIEND’S face!

I love practical jokes. I love a good practical joke as much as the next person who doesn’t have any gatdamn good sense. You know…good jokes like jumping out from the dark yelling: BOo nigga boo! Letting the air out of someone’s tires so they end up sleeping over and you end up having sex which was easier to do than just asking for sex. Or when you tell a guy it’s his baby, collect child support like a slag ass slag then he finds out 20 years later: Psyche!

Ya know.. jokes all in good fun.

But this shyt right here? This is how friends become victims of a most horrible misunderstanding.

In what’s got to be the worst makeover ever, Mark Longley from Crawley in Surrey, spent his bachelor party (also known as, stag do or buck’s night) with pubic hair literally glued to his face.

pube_face

Photos uploaded to Facebook by best man Steve West explain that the ~pube beard~ was made possible thanks to donations from Mark’s best friends.

Pube_beard

In addition to the man-made mask, Mark wore clown-shoes, was taped to a wheelchair, and was decorated with permanent marker. He was also given a cabbage “best friend” to hold on to at all times.

Pube_beardassmufugga

source

Let me just say that if any of you guys out there are reading this and for some reason we end up partying together (hell to the nawl) and one of you gets the bright idea that every should glue their pubic hair to my face ass face, I just want you all to know that after you do, you should probably also kill me.

Because please believe I am going to do shyt to you that isn’t legal to do to farm animals.

ALso, let me just say what everyone else is thinking here, ok? Something that no one wants to say out loud because they don’t want to be viewed as a racist but… let’s just be honest with one another.

white_people_are_crazy_yall

I know I know… Slaus that isn’t a very nice thing to say! Some of your best friends are white! Some of your relatives are white? fifty gazillion of your exes are white. How could you say this about white people????

Because…

White_People

Because they are always doing some ol shyt ass and shyt -shyt!! If you have every partied with a group of young under 35 year old white males and lived to tell the tale, you know good and damn well they act like they have NO fear of consequences!! NONE!!!  Just doing shyt all because reasons. Reasons that only make sense to other white males.   Every time a white dude says: ” You know what would be cool??” Negroe, call your next of kin and let them know you more than likely won’t live to see tomorrow because you are about to go do some truly dangerous but cool shyt. Oh it will be fun. It will be the most fun you have ever had in all of ever even. But it WILL be some shyt that almost gets you killed all in your face by some shyt you had no business doing.   Hell I remember catching a ride home from work back in San Francisco thinking we are heading over the bay bridge to Oakland. Nawl. These pale booty bytches got on the 101 freeway talking about: ” You know what would be cool, if we just went to LA for the three day weekend.” No one stopping off at home to get clothes or nothing!!! Bytches kidnapped me, son!! Ok I went willingly…. but shut the hell up. This isn’t about me being stupid, this is about them.  How dare you use me against me.

Oh and we did have one of the best weekends ever ass ever…. still. We almost died a total of 4 times that weekend doing shyt I can’t put into writing. Because I’m not sure the statute of limitations is up after 16 years.

Still….. they glued pubes to his FACE!!!???

I can’t even grow facial hair and then you rub in the fact by gluing dick follicles to my face!??

THis would be me dumping all my life savings into a wishing fountain just to wishamufuckawould.

wishing

 

 

 

Who hasn’t wanted to shyt on everything of an ex’s. Like…for real for real ass real.

shyttin_on_bytches_jenkinsORANGE COUNTY, Fla. —A family of four had a rude awakening Friday morning when the homeowner’s ex broke in and defecated on several of the family’s belongings, according to the Orange County Sheriff’s Office. (Translation: THIS negro shit on em,son!!! He literally shit.ass.shit on them!)

The victim was asleep at first, but at least one of the three children inside the home allegedly witnessed Michael Anthony Johnson, 27, of Apopka, break into the home and defecate on things, deputies said. (Translation: THEN one of the gatdamn babies woke up and witnessed this cretin doing the damn dookey all over the house! The baby woke up like Cindy Loo Who in the Grinch Stole Christmas n shyt! Oh the humanity, people!!)

"The Fuck is he DOING?"

“The Fuck is he DOING?”

Johnson is accused of defecating on the victim’s bed sheets, a glass kitchen plate, a wallet and a dresser. (………. this negroe shit on a plate. A damn Plate. THIS FOOL SHAT ON A PLATE!!! Who shyts on a plate!!?? It’s one thing to shyt all over the house but…. shitting on a PLATE!??? That’s just disrespectful as hale. Bruh.. you’re a savage. That’s the kind of ish you do when the devil is on your shoulder telling you to do things unhindered by the interfering Angel because the little angel that’s supposed to tell you all the good things to do is too busy smoking crack ass crack!)

Johnson was arrested in January for domestic battery, criminal mischief, and resisting arrest and was not supposed to be at the home, deputies said. A court order was issued banning him from returning to the home.

“The defendant had only been out of jail two days before violating the no contact order,” investigators said in the arrest report. ( He couldn’t WAIT to shyt on a bytch!!!!)

[source]

 

In all fairness though, if you look in his eyes you can clearly see the soul of the type of person who WOULD shit on a plate though.

Bruh…. I just can’t with these sleestak looking ass fools.

There are better ways to handle a situation rather than shitting on a person’s personal property! I don’t know of any but still. I’m not exactly a role model though.

This post finally gives me a reason to post this meme.

dhitonem

Busting a nut in my coffee and living is what you’re not gonna do. bruh.

All week I have been thinking of something thought provoking for us to discuss this friday. Something that could be a preverbial meeting of the minds if you will. I had the whole idea worked out but then….. I heard about a bytch busting nuts in coffee and living to tell the tale.

That+stupid+everyone+knows+you+mix+semen+with+coffee+_1fc90683c8acfe3054a6d4d9a8b6961fA man has been cleared of sexual assault charges after admitting he ejaculated into a female co-worker’s coffee cup. (Cleared…of sexual assault…charges. Should he have hit her all in the forehead with his penis first??)

John Robert Lind was originally charged with sexual assault, but a loophole in Minnesota law doesn’t categorize his behavior as a sex crime, a judge ruled. (Man the law betta recognize! Dude jizzed in her coffee, man! He shot cock snot…in her coffee!!) 

The victim, Pat Maahs, says she is fighting the ruling and hopes to close the loophole, which would require Lind to register as a sex offender.

According to Maahs, she and Lind worked together for 14 years at Beisswengers hardware store in New Brighton, Minnesota.  Over the past six months, she noticed her coffee tasted funny. (ok..I laughed.) According to Maahs, she caught her co-worker at her desk and noticed a puddle of fluid.  That’s when she realized what had been going on.

“Lind said that he likes [the victim] and is attracted to her,” court documents state. “Lind admitted that he ejaculated on [the victim’s] desk and in her coffee on August 26, 2014.”

When investigators questioned Lind about the incident, he admitted to ejaculating in the woman’s coffee twice.  He also admitted to ejaculating on her desk and belongings on other occasions, police said.

“When asked why he did this, Lind said he thought it was a way to get [the victim] to notice him,” the court documents state.[source]

BRUH!!!

man-ejaculates-in-coworkers-coffee

When investigators questioned Lind about the incident, he admitted to ejaculating in the woman’s coffee twice.  He also admitted to ejaculating on her desk and belongings on other occasions, police said. 

2015-Cadillac-ELR-Coupe-Background-WallpaperMULTIPLE TIMES!!! WHO goes around just..just jizzing on ish!!  What a really messed up way to run around marking territory on ish that isn’t even YOURS!  This would be like me going to the cadillac dealership, walking up to the ELR coupe, because it is by far the most beautiful thing on the road in my opinion, and then going over to the handle of the car and just…just wiping my penis on the handle. Why? Because It’s gonna be mine. Eventually.  Or.. because I just like it.  Because that’s pretty much what the hell he did. Can you imagine people just randomly putting their genital secretions on random ish or persons that they like?

Costco would be the most disgusting experience ever. Ever day would just be… be… ugh bytch ugh.

Let me tell you this though. You walk over to my damn cup of pumpkin spice coffee and you put ANYTHING in it that came from your body? Especially your genitals?

On every thing I love, there won’t even be a trial.

I sweatergod!!!

I’m socking you through your face.

Not sexual assault.

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

::stabbing motion::

Who hasn’t wanted to send a bag of dicks to someone. Now ya can!

Ok to be fair they don’t have to be enemies. They can be friends, family, countrymen whomever. Anyone whom you would like to anonymously receive a bag of dicks can now have just that happen.

Dicks.

All kinds of just..just dick.

According to the company’s website, Dicks by Mail offers a service whereby you can send some edible dicks to “anyone in your life that deserves [a] feeling of sadness, disappointment and betrayal.”

all_types_of_dick

It goes on: “In only a few minutes you can send a literal Bag of Dicks to that special asshole in your life. You know the one. The annoying guy at the office. Your Ex who decided to see other people before telling you. The Teacher that doesn’t care about your dead grandma. The person that murdered your grandma.” [source]

Man I wish I had taken advantage of the dickatry before doing this post because I would have sent Bef and Ambz as much dick as dicks by mail could ship at once. I’d pay extra to have the dicks delivered whilst a singing telegram guy does a song and dance about the ish.

singing-telegram“How many dicks could a Slausbytch ship, if a Slausbytch could ship dicks. ”

Why?

Just because.

Because I can. And because we live in a world that makes it possible for you and I to be able to passive aggressively annoy one another with …with dicks, Planet Earth.

I don’t think you get the beauty of it all.

I…I’m gonna need a moment.

single-tear

If you could anonymously send  bag of dicks to anyone, who would it be and why?

These spiders cause either death or 4 hour erections.

wandering-spider

A BRISTOL mum has revealed her shock after she found a bag of bananas her husband had bought from Tesco were infested with spiders – which are known to give men erections.

Maria Layton, 43, mum of Siri, aged six and Phoebe aged three, made the frightening discovery after opening the bag of bananas bought from Tesco.

The Tesco bananas were exported from Costa Rica – home of the world’s most dangerous spider – the Brazilian Wandering Spider aka Banana Spiders whose Greek name means “murderess”.

They are aggressive and venomous spiders which can lead to death and serious injury – including a painful four-hour erection. [source]

Bruh… let’s back some ish up right now.

Bruh.

– the Brazilian Wandering Spider aka Banana Spiders whose Greek name means “murderess“.

The Greek name on record for this spider leaves NOTHING to be misinterpreted or misconstrued. The official name of this damn spider is The Murderess. What more do you need to KNOW, planet Earth?!! There are spiders out there with names like “that which will fuck you up” and “The spotted you gone die, bitch”.

F everything about this spider.

And then that awful ass awful bytch: mother nature, decides to give this thing a side effect that would make a fool debate whether or not risking a bite is worth it. Because on one hand it’s like: Death. But on the other it’s: 4 hours of demon dick at your disposal.

Damn, Y’all. Decisions decisions.