Busting a nut in my coffee and living is what you’re not gonna do. bruh.

All week I have been thinking of something thought provoking for us to discuss this friday. Something that could be a preverbial meeting of the minds if you will. I had the whole idea worked out but then….. I heard about a bytch busting nuts in coffee and living to tell the tale.

That+stupid+everyone+knows+you+mix+semen+with+coffee+_1fc90683c8acfe3054a6d4d9a8b6961fA man has been cleared of sexual assault charges after admitting he ejaculated into a female co-worker’s coffee cup. (Cleared…of sexual assault…charges. Should he have hit her all in the forehead with his penis first??)

John Robert Lind was originally charged with sexual assault, but a loophole in Minnesota law doesn’t categorize his behavior as a sex crime, a judge ruled. (Man the law betta recognize! Dude jizzed in her coffee, man! He shot cock snot…in her coffee!!) 

The victim, Pat Maahs, says she is fighting the ruling and hopes to close the loophole, which would require Lind to register as a sex offender.

According to Maahs, she and Lind worked together for 14 years at Beisswengers hardware store in New Brighton, Minnesota.  Over the past six months, she noticed her coffee tasted funny. (ok..I laughed.) According to Maahs, she caught her co-worker at her desk and noticed a puddle of fluid.  That’s when she realized what had been going on.

“Lind said that he likes [the victim] and is attracted to her,” court documents state. “Lind admitted that he ejaculated on [the victim’s] desk and in her coffee on August 26, 2014.”

When investigators questioned Lind about the incident, he admitted to ejaculating in the woman’s coffee twice.  He also admitted to ejaculating on her desk and belongings on other occasions, police said.

“When asked why he did this, Lind said he thought it was a way to get [the victim] to notice him,” the court documents state.[source]

BRUH!!!

man-ejaculates-in-coworkers-coffee

When investigators questioned Lind about the incident, he admitted to ejaculating in the woman’s coffee twice.  He also admitted to ejaculating on her desk and belongings on other occasions, police said. 

2015-Cadillac-ELR-Coupe-Background-WallpaperMULTIPLE TIMES!!! WHO goes around just..just jizzing on ish!!  What a really messed up way to run around marking territory on ish that isn’t even YOURS!  This would be like me going to the cadillac dealership, walking up to the ELR coupe, because it is by far the most beautiful thing on the road in my opinion, and then going over to the handle of the car and just…just wiping my penis on the handle. Why? Because It’s gonna be mine. Eventually.  Or.. because I just like it.  Because that’s pretty much what the hell he did. Can you imagine people just randomly putting their genital secretions on random ish or persons that they like?

Costco would be the most disgusting experience ever. Ever day would just be… be… ugh bytch ugh.

Let me tell you this though. You walk over to my damn cup of pumpkin spice coffee and you put ANYTHING in it that came from your body? Especially your genitals?

On every thing I love, there won’t even be a trial.

I sweatergod!!!

I’m socking you through your face.

Not sexual assault.

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

::stabbing motion::

Woman Divorces Husband Over Massive Penis.

oh-heeeell-to-the-no

A Nigerian woman filed for divorce from her husband because his penis was too big, according to media reports.

Aisha Dannupawa, a housewife and mother-of-three, asked for her marriage to husband Ali Maizinari to be dissolved due to his large manhood.

Their divorce was granted after just one week of marriage in a Islamic Sharia court in Nigeria’s Zamfara State.

She told the court she had married Maizinari after her first marriage failed.

As part of the local tradition, before settling into her husband’s home the bride was invited to move into his parents’ house.

But it was only when the couple first had sex she claimed that the trauma began. (Bruh..she said the dick caused Trauma, son. Did y’all read that Planet Earth? Trauma.)

‘When he came, we had sex but the experience was a nightmare. Instead of enjoying the sex, it turned out to be something else, because his penis was too big,’ she told the court, according to Nigeria’s Tribune.

After their first unsuccessful attempt at making love, she took medication given to her by her mother. (Her momma gave her some damn chemical X, y’all. Momma tried to save her baby’s inside parts from the dick).

‘I told my mother the experience but she told me to endure and that with time, I will be able to cope. She then gave me some drugs,’ she said to Nigerian media. (Wait, nope. Momma just letting her baby get impaled, y’all… just skewered)

According to Dannupawa, the couple had sex again but it was ‘too much to bear’ and the couple concluded that no drug could help their sex life or their marriage.

Maizinari did not deny the accusation and told the court he was willing to dissolve the union if his dowry and money spent during the courtship was paid back. [source]

“According to Dannupawa, the couple had sex again but it was ‘too much to bear’ and the couple concluded that no drug could help their sex life or their marriage.”

Planet Earth, that heffa took in just the tip and her damn walls were like:
red_alert_hoThat brother tried to hit her off with that pure from concentrate-ass mandingo jibby. That fool was about to cause a home hysterectomy n ish, y’all.  I bet when he just whipped that thing out and it hit the floor with a loud thunk sound, she was like:
huge_mistake

Then after he put the first 2ft worth of penis in that azz I bet all bets were off and the poor girl was like:

regret

boarding up 1At that point I am sure she didn’t care HOW many goats and dollars that dowry was, she thought about a life of having to be utterly impaled by that demon dick-ass having ass fool and she thought HELL TO THE NAWL!! Girl was probably boarding up her vagina like fools do before a hurricane comes in.  Police tape all around the bed n ish. Chick probably tried to ward off the demons in that penis by putting salt around her door and windows and all around the bed. Burning sage and cilantro all around the house. Sacrificed 4 goats. ANYTHING to help!

Now I know some of you size-queen azz heffas out there reading this right now and are like: Jibby too big??
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Maan sit your ol Open Hippo Mouth sized Vagina having azz down somewhere. Ol bottomless pit-ass heffas. You get aroused and your damn Vagina starts up like a damn Stargate n ish.

stargate
I don’t know if I’m seriously jealous of this fool or if his life sounds lonely as hell. Sounds like his penis causes instant friendzone for women. She lets you try to put that ish in and then is like: “Let’s just be friends!!!!”

Daaang.

All of his exes are somewhere in body casts n ish

 

Maaybe God is trying to tell you something. Woman thrown from rolling car, through a church window.

A Texas woman is lucky to be alive after her rolling vehicle threw her through a church window into a pew early Tuesday morning. The accident happened about 4:30am near Highway 19 and F.M. 1617 in Trinity in east Texas.

The Trinity Police Department says the woman was a passenger in the car with another man and an infant when the car left the roadway, flipping several times. Neither the man nor the woman had seat belts on and both were ejected from the vehicle. The infant was in a car seat and loosely seat-belted in and remained in the car unhurt.

The woman could have been thrown into the side of the church, but luckily, went through a stained glass window before landing on the floor in front of a pew. The woman suffered only minor injuries, not even getting cut when thrown through the glass. Trinity Police Chief Steven Jones said the Trinity Chapel church is an historical building and thinks the brittle wood and stained glass of the window broke away easily.

The male passenger was able to walk away after the accident and all three occupants of the car were taken to East Texas Medical Center in Trinity. The cause of the accident is unknown but the accident happened near a fork in the road and the pavement was slick.

The Trinity Chapel African Methodist Episcopal Church building is 125 years old and traces its origin back even further to 1882. [source]

tumblr_mzz5pmLV5C1sgxceqo2_400Hey I am not the most religious man in the world but I do hold a HIGH respect for those of true faith. With that said though? I kind of feel like if you are in a car accident…and you flip ass flip over and over through a field… get ejected from the vehicle…FLY your ass through the air… THROUGH ass THROUGH a gatdamn window and not into the wall but get this, bytch…THROUGH THE WINDOW… and land on the floor with NARY ass NARY a cut on your person…even though your ass just flew through a window….. Maaaaybe just maaaaybe … SOMEBODY is trying to tell you something. iii’m just saying.

I don’t believe in coincidences… and I am a man who highly leans towards science and facts and examples. But let my big ass go flying through the air, into a window and unto the floor of a church with nan cut. Bytch I’ll be in that church every other evening. I’d run the building fund with sister Johnson, read the bible front back and side to side, learn to play the organ so the gay guy who always plays can get some rest.

Maaaaan.. this was wild.

And kudos for having the damn baby in a car seat.

 

Stop posing people after they are dead ass dead, please.

....bruh.When I first thought of this post I was going to approach it as: “Dear Brown people, stop posing your relatives after death.” But then I remembered that actually this is a tradition that goes back to the first days of the camera. It was quite common for people to be photographed with their deceased children for one (shudders) as well as other close relatives. So this is not at all anything new and in some cultures it has a deep meaning.

But i’m not a member of ANY of those cultures soooooooo I”M about to be judgmental and ignant ass ignant!!!

Yaaaay_ani

Heeeere we go!

dead_ass_puerto_rican_green_lantern

An eccentric South American man known for his Green Lantern costume ended up wearing it even when he was dead, after being embalmed and dressed in the outfit to welcome guests to his own funeral.

Renato Garcia, 55, had found the costume in a box next to be a bin in the city of San Juan, in the north-eastern Puerto Rico and was known for wearing it around his local area. When he died last week after suffering a severe asthma attack, his family decided it was appropriate that he was also buried in it. So after he was embalmed, his body was then propped up in the corner of the hall where the funeral took place under the instructions of his sister Milagros Garcia, 51, who said: ‘It is what he would have wanted.’ [source]

THIS is the line that messed me up….

“…his family decided it was appropriate that he was also buried in it”

NO IT GATDAMN WELL WASN’T APPROPRIATE!

Man it wasn’t even appropriate to wear around town for errands, fool! Let alone this boolshyt.

Now I’m not one to speak ill of the dead but…but…this muhfuh walking to the post office as the damn Green Lantern, son! GREEN….LANTERN.  And I know it wasn’t as if he was hurting anyone or anything but that isn’t the point. There is a time and place for everything and traipsing ass traipsing about in a damn Green Lantern costume is appropriate at Comic-con, Costume Party, freaky time in the bedroom and children’s parties. Preferably not freaky time at children’s parties either ya nasty bytches.  If I said right now that I’m about to go to the store for some kale, quinoa and green apple Nowwwnlaters ( Now n Laters candies,ho) and you saw me get in the car whilst dressed as a damn Dalek from DR WHO, I give any of you permission to run out there and slash my tires and fight me in the face.  Can’t have a Slaus driving around town looking like:

dr-who-dalek-talking-clock-l2

“Baby i’m just about to go to the store right quick. You want some funyons?”

Bruh… they got his lil narrow ass in the corner like the most fuck-ass lamp ever imaginable!!

dead_ass_green_lantern

Man you see the kid’s just standing there at a safe distance just in case some shyt pop off! Look at lil Alejandro’s face!!! You can visibly SEE the NOPE in his eyes.

 And you know the other kids are talking shyt and daring him to go stand next to the body like:

green-lantern-wake-2

Kid: ” Hey n*gga Hey. I bet you won’t go touch Mr Garcia’s belt.”
Kid 2: ” I bet you’re right, ol hook head fool.”

JUST because our relatives loved certain things whilst they were amongst the living does not mean we need to feature them doing that same ish in death.  Man I love the shyt out of Grilling, Dungeons n Dragons, Anime and Sci-fi but if y’all EVER hear about my next of kin wanting to pose me up at one of my BBQ Grills dressed up as a dead ass dead Voltron, I want you to fly a plane into their faces. Everyone who had anything to do with that decision, I want you to fight them.

All in their face like this:
lucy_punch_by_zombiegirl01-d4isxbn

To be fair to Mr Garcia’s friends and family, it isn’t like they are the only recent mofos to have done this. Look at this shyt here…

Georgina Chervony Lloren
HOW the fugg are you gonna pose Meemaw like this! I don’t care if this was her favorite thing to do, son!! This shyt is savage! They got her damn face looking unfortunate as fugg! If this poor woman wasn’t already dead I would swear she was saying: “kill..me…and don’t let them pose me in my chair after I’m gone..”

 dead_ass_dead_on_a_bike
Sure it’s a really nice bike and sure…I bet he was a BEAST on that thing and he loved it like no other thing or experience could be loved. But no. Then again..this is kind of majestic…I can’t lie. But this next boolshyt….

dead_ass_dead_pimp
This is really how y’all are gonna do Cat Daddy n’nem?  Realy?? Man.

dead_ass_dead_at_the_table
They..posed..this..damn..woman..with a glass of whack-ass beer, an ash tray and a box of new ports!???  And got the nerve to have her looking like a mufuggin SLeestak from the Land Of The Lost!???

sleestak
YALL PLAY TOO DAMN MUCH!!! She didn’t deserve this. EVERYTHING about this is unacceptable!!

Puerto Rico Standing Wake
ok but…as far as production values go? This is pretty damn impressive.  But this last one.. still takes the cake..

Dead_ass_dead_int_the_corner

Bruh….. just stacked lil Joker up in the corner behind the piano??  Where is the love…..

prince